3. Thinking this morning about sin being the moving away from God’s Love. What would feel like to be in theis state of sin? Would it make one feel very angry if one felt separated from God’s Love and thought that it was because God was not  there or that God no longer cared?

2. Gr. Nods.

1. TGT. Beautiful cold morning. Watched a squirrel leaping from branch to branch with apprecioation for its skill. Remembering it is enough to be alive.

1. Two night’s ago,  I died in a dream while on a retreat. It is somewhat  gruesome but the dream is suggestive on a number of levels , so I have decided to recount it. The methodology was suggested by the way that I had witnessed the killing of chickens for a dinner when I was young. For some reason I had recalled this scene with some deep sadness and empathy a few nights earlier. Two chickens were killed and I was present to pluck the feathers afterward. The chickens were dipped in warm water while alive so that it could be plucked easier. Then they were hung by their feet and with a pen knife was thrust up into their throat and twisted. The blood then drained into a pan below. recalling this scene, I thought of the terror and pain the chicken must have felt.

In my dream I was in the old south and young slave boys were being arbitrarily killed this way. I was appalled by the practice but felt powerless to stop it. I was dressed in a very light colored suit and hat which contrasted to the bloody scene. At some point there was a parade and the killings were taking place on a float. Boy after boy was having his throat cut in this fashion. All of the sudden, I was a young slave on the float with my hands and feet tightly bound and the knife was thrust into my throat. I felt a sharp pain and could feel the warm blood gushing out of my mouth and then things went black. I thought “I am dead”. Without someone to dream, it ended.

6. F. pause. Hmm. Good to have a break from multitasking while learning ancient Persian history in German. Elamites, Kassites, Medes and projectors and websites. breaths…time to go home soon

5. F. pause and thinking about first entry this morning

4. BrM. See that I have been trying to go in too many different directions this morning

3. Gr. Remembering

2. TGT. Beautiful coloring this very cool morning.

1.

***: Hey Adams, wake up
Adams Rubble yawns. Whassup?
***: Do you know the story of the Pharisee and the Publican?
Adams Rubble: Well I know about the new Publican governor; is the Pharisee a Democrat?
***: No no. It is a parable of Christ and I have some thoughts about you and I, and what you do so well. I am a bit nervous about winging it without you this weekend. I am seeing three aspects this morning that may or may not go together. This morning the thought popped into my head that you are the “publican” and I the pharisee while I was thinking about what I seem to lose.
Adams Rubble: Hey watch your mouth. I am a radical liberal or liberal radical.
***: Heh. Well maybe it is more that I am a Pharisee.
Adams Rubble: Hey watch your mouth. I am a radical liberal or liberal radical.
On another note, the difference is all illusion, you know.

***: Yes, thanks for reminding me. Hmmm. That’s a pointer. The Pharisee is the “self”.
In the parable, the Pharisee is trying very hard to get to God. In the process, he prays very earnestly “Thank God that I am not a sinner like all these other men”. The publican, a tax collector for the Romans, and so seemingly low in God’s estimation, prays “God help me I am a sinner”. In the parable the publican is seen as higher in God’s estimation.
Adams Rubble: Eh? I don’t even like the word sin
***: No, not about  sin, hmmm. Depends what you mean by the word “sin”.
Adams Rubble: Ack. Depends what you mean by the word “mean”
***: Well, if sin is moving away from Love…
Here’’s the way I am seeing this this morning. The Pharisee is doing two things wrong in addition to being arrogant. He is trying to hard, thinking that it is up  to him to get to God and, at the same time, is separating himself from the human race.
Adams Rubble: You mean we can’t find God. He is there. We just have to accept God’s grace. That’s a bit like the the Tao wu wei.
***: Yes, that’s one of the three things my mind is trying to put together this morning. Jung talks about needing to feel part of the human race to reach God. I have experienced the connection to larger humanity in thinking of timelessness but I think it is connected to Love. Although it is not part of the parable, the Pharisee is clearly missing Love and separating himself from the rest of mankind.
Adams Rubble: Hmmm. It is like God is all of humankind. Jesus said something like doing it to the least of these, you do it to me. Sounds a bit like Pema’s Being. God is everything. What is your third point?
***: Love was the third point. No wait. I am confused now. 1) We can’t strive our way to God. It is a mistake to try too hard. God is there. We must fall into God. 2) Love is a necessary ingredient. 3) We need to shed the things that are in the way, including preconceptions. It is similar to the idea of coming as a little child. In the parable, the pharisee is rigidly set while the publican is open.
Adams Rubble: The story turns our preconceptions about holy people on its head. In a way it is similar to the first shall be last and the last shall be first.
***:  Hmm. I have to think more about the Pharisee being the “self” that is in the way. Is “self” ***?
Adams Rubble: This is all very scary for “self” and you.

1. I have been alone with my thoughts much of the evening; I wonder if that can be considered meditation. I thought of Tara and Guanyin and compassion. I thought of APAPB. I imagined space looking at me. I imagined Christ knocking at the door and myself saying “come in” (Why didn’t I think of answering the door?). In short I thought of all my deeper experiences of the past year and a half.

Last night I visited places in Second Life at which I had shared much of the above. Hmmm. Interesting summation tour I appear to be on.

1. A familiar voice:

Adams Rubble: I appear to be in your way.
***: I honestly don’t know
Adams Rubble: there is an easy way to find out.
***: Yes, I know.
Adams Rubble: I am here if you need me.

3. Gr. Yes!

2. TGT. Cool again this morning to remember that it is enough to be alive.

1. Last night I dreamed about what PaB is. I don’t remember too much about it except that for me it is a bit similar to a Quaker movement in that we often sit around and I often speak when I am moved to speak.

3. Gr. Remembering…

3. TGT. Cloudy and warm and humid but not raining to be alive and it being enough

2. For the past couple of weeks I have felt that I set out what I had intended to do when I started PaB. In thinking that I forgot my goal to become more compassionate. I have not reached the goal that I set out to do then. I know, no “path”, no goals. They do help motivate. I think it is another way of looking at ourselves. We look at ourselves and sense on some level what is missing. One can not just go out to the store and buy it. We need to open up and let it happen to us.

1. I had a dream in which I was replacing something very large and complicated with something much smaller and simpler. Then I was helping someone move and replacing their own same object with the simpler object.

11. F. pause. I am having a hard time I missed so many bells. I must be concentrating. In stopping I realize I am tired

10. F. pause

9. BrM.

8. Ton.

7. BrM. It is hard to stop every 15 minutes some days

4-6. F. pause

3. F. The bell signals the first stop.

2. Gr. yes!

1. TGT. A cool, cloudy autumn morning and I am alive; it is enough

3. F.

2. Gr. Yes!

1. TGT. Another rainy day to remember it is enough to be alive even if you are wet

5-6. BrM.

4. Gr. <smiles>

3. TGT. Rain this morning. Alive then and now; remembering that  it is enough. What am doing now? What sould I be doing now?

2. F. Having gotten these dreams out of my head, I feel very peaceful. Of course the music helps.  It can be so easy to drop everything.

1. Last night I dreamed I was sitting in PaB by myself but seemed to be in some form of communication with others not present. Suddenly a large jetliner, passing overhead, took a nosedive and started diving right down toward me. Others saw the plane but did not know it was heading in my direction. The plane crashed very close by and the air was filed with smoke and flames.  I saw myself emerging from the smoke and flames and woke up with a start. Unusal for me, this dream was in the first half of the night in my deep sleep period. I usually remember dreams from later in the night.

The previous two nights I had a two part dream. First night: I had  a new job.  The person at the employment desk was very nice but was enforcing very strict rules of a person at a desk further in the distance. The first person with me was polite and kept apologizing. I could not answer all the questions satisfactorily but the person at the other desk nodded somberly and I was hired. I went about my business but later went to the original desk and did something unpleasant to the desk while the person was at lunch. The person at the second desk was watching me with interest but did not say anything or stop me.

The second night I was back at work and had to visit the person whose desk it was and the person was very angry with me. I had to fill out more papers and the person was very strict with me.  I tried to apologize but the person would not be mollified, rightly so. All the time the second person was watching. To my surprise, I was not fired but sent back to work.