4. APAPB. Watching mallards in the rain swimming in close formation, one duck changing directions in the middle and then the whole group following him in graceful display. I wonder, were they playing? Was this a practice for some kind of defense? In either case it was riveting to watch and looked like fun. Being playing.
3. TGT/Gr.
2. APAPB. I close my eyes briefly and see trees with reddish brown leaves going by as if I am on a train. I open them to write this and when I close then again, they are gone. Just a brief appearance reminding me that I am in motion.
1. What if my avatar, or Tara, led me to Tantric Buddhism in order to show me how to introduce me to the idea of yidams? There are at least two things I needed to see. One, that one meditates as a yidam in a very controlled way. Two, that my avatar was perfectly suited to lead me through an exploration of my self, and even learn a good deal of empathy, but is less helpful when it comes to relating to the world going on around and outside the little computer screen. If a general of a large army begins to think like Napoleon (what would Napoleon do?), he might gain insights to help him win great victories; if he begins to think he IS Napoleon he will very likely end up in a very controlled environment with a very different uniform.
What if trying to find the avatar in me is the wrong way to be thinking? Hmmm. Not only the wrong way to be thinking but a distraction from continued growth.
Suddenly I think of the passage from Proverbs. “When I was a child, I spoke as a child but when I grew up I put aside childish things”. (Hmmm. I haven’t thought of that in a long time – why now?).
But there is another side too…coming as a little child. Being open to hearing, listening.
It seems I am back where I started in June 2008. I have come full circle. Nothing has changed except my ability to see things in a way I could not see before. I still am at some kind of crossroads. One difference is maybe last year I did not see any way forward. Now I know there are more than one. Which one is best for me?
I had a dream last night (actually two…I remember one, the first one). A friend asked me to create a garden at this friend’s house. I went and I saw some paths in the sky and nothing on the ground. I used my group membership to create a garden in the sky. My friend came back and liked the garden but it was not what was intended. In the meantime, other people came and enjoyed the garden and it became very popular. My friend kept the garden but this time made sure we worked closely toether and that I followed very specific directions. I was given permission to build just on this plot. The new garden was created in the ground. As time went on, my firend made changes to the house my friend had built and over time, took up pieces of the garden as other things were created. (The garden in the sky continued to be enjoyed by many others). Finally just one prim of the garden on the ground was left. When finally that prim was removed, I somehow ceased to exist on that plot and the gaden in the sky disappeared.
The second dream involved pirates and adventure and I can not recall any details. Maybe it was just a “B” movie.
2. For the past couple of weeks I have felt that I set out what I had intended to do when I started PaB. In thinking that I forgot my goal to become more compassionate. I have not reached the goal that I set out to do then. I know, no “path”, no goals. They do help motivate. I think it is another way of looking at ourselves. We look at ourselves and sense on some level what is missing. One can not just go out to the store and buy it. We need to open up and let it happen to us.
