Futile Effort (#418)

2. TGT. Remembering it is enough to be alive

1. I had a dream last night in which I was driving a car or truck and there was a steering whel problem. I was given various steering wheels by a PaB friend but they were mishapen or fell apart when I tried to use them. I seemed to dream about this for a good long time and remember various shapes and configurations.  Finally, we settled on one that was sort of trapezoidal with the small side on top and the two sides slanting inward toward the top. The people in the dream changed here but I don’t who the next ones were. We loaded  the vehicle piling things on top and wherever else there was room and began to drive toward the destination.  Someone stopped us and pointed to the top of the vehicle and everything was gone from the top of the vehicle, spread out over the road behind us. We drove back picked everything up and tied it on again and proceeded until someone stopped us again and pointed back at the mess of the road behind us. We drove back again and picked evrything up again and were once again when I awoke.

Who AM I (#417)

2. Adams Rubble: “I am the temporary manifestation of that self who would strive to live in timelessness”.

1. Last night at the mini-retreat I had a real insight. I had been latching on to my real life physical self as reality. Last night in a discussion, I realized that that there is the timeless person inside that never changes. It is this person who was there when I was born and who will be there when I die. My real life self is there too but always changing, now slowly falling apart, bit by bit. This timeless self can watch that process dispassionately, without judgement, without melancholy. There is an energy in the timeless I AM. It is enough to be alive.

Mini Retreat (#416)

1. I set up a little retreat area with cushions in the Retreat Center at Bieup to spend an hour each day while our colleagues are retreating in California. I want to think more about “letting go”. I am in a slight state of confusion that often follows an insight. I need to watch what my thoughts are and so this will be an important tine for me I think.

Letting Go (#415)

2. Two nights ago I dreamed of a house in which many things were coming together living harmoniously. Last night I dreamed, as an avatar, and also as my RL person, that I could do anything I set my mind to do. This morning I can see it was just not putting obstacles in the way, i.e. letting go of stuff..

1. Sometimes we find things we are seeking in unexpected ways. I have found one of the things for which I have been searching frantically. Finding it had nothing to do with the way I was searcching. That might lead one to think the explorations were pretty dumb. But no, I have been learning more and more about the power of Love, how to let go of stuff and replace it with Love.

Squinches and Pendentives (#414)

4. WT.

3. Not being very creative about titles this morning, I light-heartedly pull out some architectural elements. They both do the same thing but have a very difference appearance. They wear different kinds of decoration (clothing) too. Yet both support the part of the dome that comes inside the square. Hmmm. One can make an example from almost anything.

2. Gr. I still have more on the plus side when I think about it.

1. TGT. Hot, muggy day to be alive on this beautiful planet; remembering it is enough

Saturday (#413)

2. Gr.

1. TGT. A new day in which to be alive. It is enough.

Transitions (#412)

3. Vivaldi, Domine Deus. One of those pieces of music that grab my attention and stop me from what I am doing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQcXeqZe1Zo&fmt=18

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Martha has done her thing; the summer tasks are completed. Time to move on.

It was a beautiful morning here to appreciate and being alive is enough.

This is For You (#411)

10. ZRM. WT or Tourist Trip (Pema’s Description to me).  My mind goes and plays for a bit listening to music. My mind seems to move with each note.

9.  Comment bt Stim tonight at WoK: otherwise we get influenced in ways that say more about our unconscious preferences and fears etc than about our ability to learn

8. Last nights dream was like being in a play one was watching

7. F. pause. some breaths

6. F. pause. I make myself repeat after me “It is too early to panic about the fall”.

5. F. pause after working through a bunch of administrative issues waiting in my email dealing with things I’d rather put off for a decade or two.

4. Working through the chaos at my desk I again wonder what I am doing here.

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Very dark, humid morning to be alive on the planet earth. I had a thought of “what am I still doing here” on the ride in this morning.

1. I am wondering how this came about. Was this an imagined scene from an actual movie or did I conjur this up? It was about a mass murderer. Someone told me that there was a scene early in the movie in which the killer murders everyone in a courtroom. In my scene the seating was arrranged more like a funeral pallor room with rows of chairs on each side of the room. Each row had about 5 seats and there were about 10-15 rows. The chairs were all filled except for the two back rows. I was in the second row on the left side and the killer was behind me to my left. The discussion was very calm but was turning against the killer. He began on the far left of the front row and very gently started putting bullets into people’s brains. I heard him say “This is for you” a few times. He went across the front row and then started across the second row. I felt a hand softly on my shoulder and turned to a friendly smile and he saif “This is for you”. I started to protest that I needed to be able to watch but I felt a sensation in my neck and then all blackness.

I was curious about how he would be able to murder everyone and I trried various and numerous scenarios finally ending with a uzi type weapon in chich he mows down the rest but the intensity was gone and I was waking.

Stilted Conversation (# 410)

8. ZRM. [I like this story from Martie's notecard] There’s a traditional story about a man imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit who attempts to dig his way to freedom with a spoon—rather like the character played by Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption. After years of bone-wearying struggle, his hands calloused and bloody, he finally realizes the futility of his efforts and gives up. Tears of frustration and desperation streaming down his cheeks, he leans back against the door of his cell, only to discover that it’s been unlocked all along. As implausible as this story may seem, the point is clear—the prison that you imagine constrains you doesn’t really exist.

—Stephan Bodian, from Wake up Now (McGraw Hill)

7. ZRM. WT. I close my eyes and start thinking about a recent conversation. A sound of a fan and then an adjustment in the way I am looking. I have been trying to see an image of the thoughts all this time. The sensation of stopping that is like backing off a little. “Thoughts aren’t pictures” bounces around a  bit. APAPB.

6. F. Of all the things Pema has told me lately,  the one that sticks with me most  is the image of Mary smiling at Martha working. I do believe it is true.

5. F. pause.

4. F. pause. Resetting a bit. briefly watch thoughts

3. Gr. Yes!

2. TGT. Another warn, muggy summer day and I am here, alive, making lists of things to done. Hmm, being alive is enough. That always puts things in perspective

1. I had a strange dream about what I think was an engagement party early in the night. Either the bride or groom was from the British Royal family and the guests were seated at parallel tables. Needless to say the conversation between the tables was somewhat strained albeit polite. It did not seem worth remembering at the time but it would have been interesting to pay more attention to the conversation.

Benefits of Watching Thoughts (# 409)

6. ZRM. WT. Thoughts of things to be done keep popping into my head and I find myself going off with the thought. Then I remember and come back and it seems all blank for a bit until it ha[[ens again.There is a bit of negative energy in that I am feeling overwhelmed by the number of tasks before me. Finally a happy thought come into my head and I find myself smiling.

Hmm. seem to have lost a couple of entries. Must not have saved when I closed the  other computer

5. WT. My mind is racing; I am working on a number of tasks concurrently. While closing my eyes to watch my thougths, I become aware that my heart is beating very fast. This is the time of year I begin to remember tasks that must be done once a year. As I complete them, more seem to come. This morning I forgot where one of the computers had gone.

4. F. pause. A little Love would help on the bus

3. Woke up realizing that my two dreams were pointing to my outlook about things as much as the view of me by others. We can pick up negative energy and then things snowball. In this case it seems a minor adjustment rather than a new identity or self showing up. So all this IS related to the watching of tyhe thoughts. Who would have thought.

2. Gr. Much to be grateful for.

1. TGT. Hot, muugy summer morning to be alive on this planet earth,