9. F. Last stop before slumberville. I ponder some of my earlier cones, no koans 
Who is impatient? Who is angry. Hmmm. There were others. There are so many ways to look a these things. Tomorrow I face some physical pain in my guest house.
8. I watched my thoughts while at the Zen Retreat but WordPress lost it in the save. Nothing special…I was tired..I thought about Santa Maria le Blanca and how the more learn about the building the less likely there is evidence enough to speculate about the women’s gallery. I thought about my anger about work and wonder how much fear is behind the anger. So I am going from fear to anger to anxiety to feeling depressed. The Rumi poem is giving me the confidence to be open wih myself about awful thoughts. It is odd to think of welcoming them. Meanness, fear, anger a part of being human just as is happiness, peacefulness and love. But love is a step above. Where did I read or hear that? Love can transcend those. I remember now…my session with Stim and Bertrum when I talked about the dogs and anger. “And if I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profiteth me nothing.” I Corinthians 13:3. (The lesson for today)
7. BrM. I pause from working on the Chronicles just as a stop
6. F. This morning Pema sent me a poem by Rumi that I have posted on a page here. Every time I read it I seem to see something new. Can I learn to appreciate feelings of depression or anxiety.
5. BrM. Remembering Love. This morning I thought about how I am often so self involved and how different it might be to do self exploration away in a retreat or a monastery where one does not interact with many people. One would not have to be so aware of how badly one is acting with the people one meets. Growth in this area seems to come so slowly. Love needs to emanate from within. It can not be forced.
I thought of being a child this morning and watching an adult quickly change moods on a dime. For the first time I am witnessing the cause of that happening in me. I never before observed the carrying around of all these emotions together on different layers until now. Where have I been?
4. Still experiencing the layers and the resulting emotional changes I am experiencing. My outlook changes so quickly.
3. Gr. I think of my usual list first and then, as I often do, look for other things. I am grateful for PaB and all the opportunities that have come with it.
2. TGT. Alive again for another go of it. I wonder what wonders might be in store for me today. Each of the past few days has brought a surprise or two.
1. I am a little late recording this and have just a few disconnected images left. Last night in the dreams I was working hard on the Chronicles. It involved folders of paper and I needed large surfaces to lay out the papers. Pema came by from time to time to check my progress and I assured him I was rolling on the project although there was much yet to do. But I kept getting moved around. The places to write were familiar spaces in the RL workplace and faculty from other departments were coming into the room to teach and very angry about my work being spread on the table. Each time I would gather the work together and move to another location. At one point I was included in the discussion and at one point one of the faculty said “Does anyone feel anxiety” and looked at me and smiled. While I felt anxious, I did not raise my hand. The last place was in a dark room with slide viewers and two two students were working on the exhibition on the other side hidden behind the viewers. Then somehow I became entrapped in the body of a rhinocerous. Whether this was a transition or a completely different dream, I do not know. But I was human size so smaller than a rhino baby. At the time I woke up, the baby and I were snuggled up against the mother and I was desperate to get out of there.
While half awake I ha a thought which seemed important at the time. I do not remember it now but I hope it comes back. This is a reminder to myself
