9. F. I stepped outside and the sky was a deep blue with a good number of stars for this neck of the woods.
8. F. Mmmmm. This afternoon giddy and tonight down. What is this roller coaster?
7. F. F. I am tired now
6. BrM.
5. F. pause. OK. Time to go.
4. I wonder if……if there is something else there that is emerging, should I be sailing again? For now I must watch my thoughts and move beyond the self stuff.
3. Gr. Interesting in that my usual list seems to be missing something important this morning. It is inadequate somehow.
2. TGT. I remember that it is enough to be alive, quite a thought considering my dreams last night. Here I am back in my routine and maybe it is the best place for me now
1. Last night I had numerous dreams of being murdered, seemingly in Asia, or in danger of some kind. The one I remember best was sitting in a lotus position and strangled with a silk cord. Also I remember watching a spider drop from the ceiling into my shoe; I was too fascinated watching the spider dropped to move my foot.
The coolness of the murders suggests some residue of reading parts of “In Cold Blood” after seeing the Capote movie on DVD. I also wonder about Doug’s comment about terror on the bottom layer. Yet it wasn’t so much terror as just coldly witnessing my murder.
I have an important meeting this morning which will either alleviate some of my stress of increase it. I’d rather be out walking in the woods.
Last night I commented on an incident in July. I had been thinking about it primarily from the standpoint that my first reaction was that there has been no change in me. I was wrong about at least one thing. I know now that the opening the door was a beautiful metaphor for letting my selves go so I can truly see and listen. My resulting “vision” back in July was one of being comforted rather than knowledge of what it meant to just let go of all the pain and hurt. The change part then refers to the fact that it always has been there for me. Still I needed to LEARN to drop the selves just as I had to learn to walk at some point. I guess that is the “knowledge” part.
There is another aspect to this. I can relate to July because a couple of weeks ago I decided to start over and try to approach PaB with a “childlike” mind. n neither case did I achieve it but that, along with my reading for the Chronicles is shaking up my view of things. Maybe that is part of the layers too. Is this just another way of looking at selves or am I looking at something I’ve never seen before? Why am I happy on the surface and anxious underneath? there have been suggestions in PaB about dreaming which suggest most of what is going on is unconscious.
