Week Ending (#227)

3. F. A moment to step away and listen

2. Gr. Much. So many people pulling together, friends, loved ones, those home for visit…Spring less than two months away! For music to help pass the two months!

1. TGT. Reminding myself it is enough to be alive

Remembering (#226)

4. F. I feel that I need to ready myself tonight. I don;t quite know why.Steady me…keep me straight. I realize that I have dropped some my load tonight and I am ready to listen.

3. NLT. The earlier entry here got lost. I was thinking about trying to navigate between the highs and the lows. The highs raise too many expectations and the lows are self-defeating.

2. Gr. Going down my list…things I take for granted

1. TGT. Late in the day but reminding myself that it is enough to be alive

Checking In (#225)

3. NLT. If I can go through the next too weeks and avoid the highs and the accompanying lows, I will have learned a bit about the neutral level I think.

2. Gr. For loved ones and friends. For the opportunities I have.

1. TGT. I remember to think it is enough to be alive and to enjoy this very cold day as a gift. I remember my happy thought too and smile.

Taking a Break (#224)

4. F. Feel need for stopping. It was a busy day, a good day.

3. This blog is on the back burner so to speak right now as I work on other projects. It is a simple matter of keeping windows open in my browser of my very challenged computer. There just isn’t enough RAM in this little thing…but how wonderfully it performs otherwise.

2. For loved ones and friends. For the beauty of this day. For the ability to work….and play. For the opportunities offered me.

1. TGT. A cold but sunny morning in which to “take in” another day of life on this hopeful planet.

Here Again! (#223)

6. NLT. Remind myself of the neutral level. A lighter part of my personality emerged for a time today: the positive level. It was nice while it lasted but it could not sustain itself.

5. WT. Breathing…series of images of what I had just been working on…images of avatars….thought: Lord Grant me Peace…the last thought makes me note there is a lot of thought dealing with anxiety about what there is to do…the barking dog catches my atention…hmm  reminding me of compassion.

4. F. pause

[long  break here]

3. F. pause. Busy day again today but need more progress.

2. Gr. For the appearance of Spring in my brain (if nowhere else) this morning.

1. TGT. Another day before me to experience watching and playing at my various roles. It warmed just slightly today…19 degrees felt good early this morning.

Cold and Hopeful (#222)

4. F. Pause after a busy day. I close my eyes and watch thoughts…think about the exhibition…I didn’t have time to work on it tonight…ah an image of a Harbison milk truck…and it is time to go to sleep. …the greatest of these is love.

[long break here]

3. NLT. Hmm. Hard to see that this morning

2. Gr. For loved ones, friends and co-workers. For the warmth of the office. For the presence of the appearance of hope with the  change in government

1. TGT. Remembering I am alive again for another day on this cold morning. While biking in I was thinking how nice it will be if I am alive on a much warmer day.

Unsettled (#221)

6. F. A quiet moment to end the day. Today did feel like a gift. I haven’t felt the fear or unsettled for most of the day. I wonder if it will return. Help me in whatever way is best.

5. F. Like many others I took in extraordinary  events today. I feel like a bit of the weight has been lifted from me. It has been a drain for eight long years. Interesting that I feel it personally.

4. NLT. I wonder if the most important part of the neutral level is dropping the “self” or is finding the balance between the “selves” in a yin yang way.

3. Gr.

2. TGT. It is another day to be alive and there is no snow in the forecast.

1. Having brought out the fear and seen it for what it is, I am left feeling unsettled. I wonder how much of this is task related and how much is comparable to my experience with sleeplessness last fall. There is some reason for me to be a little anxious the next few weeks; I have some challenges before me.  I just need to do my best to remove my “self” from the equation.

Correction:

It was pointed out to me that, a few days ago in this blog, I misinterpreted Paul about being saved by faith alone. Apparently there is no inconsistency in Paul. It was Martin Luther who added the “alone”.

Fear (#220)

8. F. At the southwest end of one of the great harbors of the world. It is snowing furiously. It has seemingly snowed for days now although it has been 1/2 inch to an inch at a time. It has not melted much so it is starting to accumulate. I am not thinking all that much, just enjoying watching the snow and the birds..waterfowl and gulls. The water is quiet too.

Two swans feed in a corner of a jetty protected still body of water. I do think a bit about fear. I did once have an incident that was truly worth the fear. I can not talk about it here because it involves other people. This current fear is fairly baseless in comparison.

7. NLT. A new element introduced to play with here…fear. How does it, or does it, relate to my search for the neutral level?

6. Gr. For this day and its beauty. For the presence of an appearance of a change…of hope .  For this new experience.

5. TGT. It is a beautiful morning. Another light snow…we have had a series of them. This one was a warmer snow and stuck to all the trees and bushes and it was a real winter wonderland out there. And I am alive for another day, the lingering fear unimportant in the larger scheme of things.

4. I read back and notice the weak-hearted. Hmmmm. Courage often is associated with the heart. I have never been really comfortable with looking in the heart. I wonder then where is the fear? It seemed to come from my mind but I have the experience this morning that suggests otherwise. It seems the unconscious did not see this coming this morning.

3. Birds are a subject of which my ignorance is visible on a daily basis.

2. Part 2:

When I go back to sleep I find that my mind takes me back through the exercise that made we wake up in Part 1. It is a rather complex parable; I do not remember all the fine details. Fortunately the message [I inadvertantly type 'mess'] is not the details themselves but about their existence. I am making bird lores to trap different species of birds. Each bird requires a different  formula of lore. In the dream I am working on songbirds and the basic formula for songbirds in the dream is 5×4 which equals 20. The “20″ gets carried over to another task. However mine aren’t working.This is because on must make holes in the short side which changes the 4 to a lesser number 3.97-3.99. Learning that in Part 1 is what hit my fear button. This is extremely important and there are a couple of levels here.The parable seems to relate to the issues I am facing in the exhibition where I am reducing complicated concepts to simple generalizations. This is not a task for the weak-hearted or one lacking in knowledge. Which am I?…most likely both. Was the unconscious speaking to me on that level and unaware of the fear factor? The fear is a bit more complicated but for me is related to the details. Each of the tasks before me requires a certain level of expertise which I may not have; each could be done better by someone else. Is it the latter I am not accepting?

While awake between dreams and in SL  I  have a thought that my one AV so far has proved fearless and maybe should be here instead.

1.  Part 1:

I was dreaming of sorts, more working on problems, when I woke up. It was sudden and almost painful. I sat awake for awhile thinking about it, feeling very uncomfortable. I finally realized the pain was fear. Having recognized that the symptom and kind of knowing the cause it took a few more good minutes to realize the basic fear is one of failure. I feel very tested right now and I am not sure I am up to it. How much of this is real and how much imagined? Was my unconscious giving up? Was it warning me?

Pieces of a Dream (#219)

5. WT. Breathing…The thought “Be still and know that I am God”…images of churches and clergy [I had previously been looking at pictures of the Church of the Holy Sepulcher]…image of snow falling…shifts to starry sky…a shooting star…then work creeps in and work self. Work self is very unhappy tonight. I had forgotten and transcended it for a while.

4. NLT. I wonder if it is the peace I am feeling. Obviously it is not the chaotic activity in the background.

3. Gr. For the peace that I feel this morning that is only broken by brief intervals of panic. For loved ones and friends with whom I will interact today. For the appearance of the light snowfall out the window.

2. TGT. The day begins anew and I am alive to experience it

1. I am awake prematurely but having just experienced a vivid dream that seems impotant but I only remember bits. I think I was preparing a PaB-like activity. I was getting myself ready. I was creating very elaborate somethings. There was one main one and some smaller ones.  Somebody was suggesting that this was not only necessary but might actually be a hinderance; however they looked on upon my preparations with bemusement. I could see that others were preparing too. It involved my SL avatars, may have been the avatars. It also involved Christianity. I am struck by how much more effort I was putting into one as opposed to the others. My first thought on awakening was this was about spending time preparing my “selves”; my second thought was it was about the avatars. Now I think it is a bit about both. I may have witnessed me carefully arranging “self” into the avatars.

The Gift (#218)

4. WT. Breathing…Image of Mahatma Gandhi…Thoughts of Paul, Love and Faith…in Romans Paul says we are saved by faith alone…love is not the neutral level but there is a neutral level of love…love is important…mind wanders to impending change in this country (we got our last mail delivery today while George Bush is president…the next mail will come late Tuesday)…image of my mother…and after a while, my father…then my siblings…and a bowl of ice cream and I chuckle audibly but quietly…and I stop here because I am beginning to think about these things together: the selfless love of Gandhi, the love of God of Paul and familial love…and the craving for sweets.

3. NLT. It is easier to see the extremes, harder the middle.

2. Gr. For weekends (a little bit like the nine second stop, only longer). For friends and loved ones. For moments when I am able to drop selves and listen

1.TGT. A little late today…I remember this day is another gift.