Let’s Talk (#191)

6. Pema spoke to me tonight about my selves tonight, most of which I had heard before but which I had forgotten over the past couple of months. The most important element was at the end and I want to start at that end tonight. I must leave my selves for awhile in order to be with God. There is a parallel story with Jesus and the apostles in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus leaves them to keep watch while he talks with God and they fall asleep. If I leave my selves, I suddenly feel free to pray. This is going to take a little bit of practice again. Help me to remember to come to you just as I AM. Help me to remember to drop ***, and former self, and the Adamses and any other self or former self who may arise. I don’t have to pick and choose from among them. I don’t have to be without them, i.e. no self. But I do have to be able to put them aside and speak to God as I AM. I have been there before but not consciously in this way. Please come back through the door and help me understand what I do not understand.

5. Two thoughts: 1) harnessing negative thoughts to complete a project is a bit like a Faustian bargain. 2). The Adams of late summer is also a former self

4. BrM.

3. Gr. The sun has just come out….what a beautiful sight

2. TGT. Remembering it is enough to be alive.

1. Time to talk. I start with Z-self.

***: Do you have any idea of what is going on? I am very confused.
Z-Self: No I too am confused. I seem to see former self receding and Adams speaking more strongly
***: Yes I have noticed that. People have said that I need to embrace these parts of “ourself” more
Z-self: OK, let’s get this thing started
Former Self: What! another meeting! For crying out loud! The last thing I need. Alright, you want to hear what I think? I am under appreciated. I slave away and no one ever notices what I have done
***: Former Self, you did one hellava job. No one else could have done it
Z-self: Yes, when there were distractions that could have derailed the project, you just redoubled your efforts when you could have given up. It is finished and you deserve the kudos
Adams Rubble: I was impressed. I would have had no idea how to do such a large project
Former Self: OK, thanks. It was nothing. I do it all the time and no ones notices. Adams, when I have been in PaB, people seem to like you. You seem to have learned so much in a short time
Adams Rubble: Thank FS. It is just not me doing the learning, *** and I have learned everything together and *** has turned so much around
***: No, some of the memory is still in you Adams.
Z-self: Speaking of memory, do any of you know what happened with the two remotes?
Adams Rubble: not me
Former Self: Hmmm. Do I know? I don’t think so.
***: Not me….I have found I need you Adams especially when Former Self is dominant. You seem to be able to bring us back into balance. You set a tone that carries with me over into RL. Also it is you who is teaching me to open my heart. But Former Self, you are teaching me to focus on a task and carry it to completion. The other Adams may need you on the exhibit yet.
Former Self: That actually sounds like fun
Z-Self: I like what I am hearing from you all. You have battled each other but I am hearing some love. No talk of suppressing selves or killing them off
***: At the same time, Steve made a very good point about not trying to redo what is past
Z-Self: Yes, we must focus on the present, on the moment, the timeless moment. We need to find a way to retain your contribution Former Self without starting all over in PaB
Adams Rubble: Pema keeps talking about starting at the end or skipping steps. I will be talking to him more tonight
***: Yes, there was that vision of of the closed spaces from the exterior and that glimpse of the bright light at the other end. And the vision of the great space…
Adams Rubble: We shared some of those experiences ***
***: Yes and now Former self, has become part of the equation. I can’t keep track of it any more which is why I am confused.
Z-self: But Adams seems to be working on a way back
***: Yes, out there sailing again, not worrying about making mistakes, just taking what comes
Z-self: Great job Adams!
Former Self: I have to agree. I am not the most fun self. I like your light-hearted approach Adams
Z-self: We may be learning that both of you are necessary to work with ***. *** will have to learn to accept the zig-zag nature of listening to both of you. Thanks all for coming together.
***: I’m looking forward to learning more and finding ways to be a better person
Z-self: That still leaves the question “What about God?”
Adams Rubble: I’d like to work on that question with the other Adams too as the exhibition of sacred places progresses…
***: Go Adamses!

Icy Melodies (#190)

7. F. I see a line there waiting for me to cross it…

6. In the afternoon session we discussed Crusty’s statement about the deities and Storm had a very different take on it. One calls on a Buddha to share in his experience.

5. Listening to Carl Sagan say that the stars in constellations are in constant motion and demonstrating how the big dipper would have looked 1 million years ago, and how it will look in the future. Another illusion to add to the list of things we see.

4. In this morning’s PaB session Fael brought up a metaphor of mirror fragments in relation to what we see as self. Fael noted we often get stuck when something goes wrong in one of the fragments. Finally Fael equated all of the fragments coming together as “enlightenment”. That is somewhat parallel to the way I am thinking of things now although I have grasped at the yin yang concept.

In the same session Crusty talked about how in Tantric Buddhism, during meditation, one calls up Bodhisattva dieties and then, after receiving their blessings or message, then dismisses them. I was very much interested in the relationship between that practice and my own visions, especially the one in which I actually felt I was being rocked gently. It is interesting to learn about calling for help in another tradition.

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Remembering that it is enough to just be alive (on this beautiful planet)

1. Ice covered everything last night. Fortunately it was a thin layer and a bit of snow covered the ice making it less a hazzard. It could have been much worse. I am itching to go for a walk.

Palmanova (#189)

24. Good night world!

23. F. Suddenly I understand that I had left part of me behind this summer. I have to learn to accept two opposite sides of myself. I see some of the yin and the yang in myself. I begin to see how they need to be balanced.

22.  F. Help me to see through my present confusion. Help me understand what it is I need to do. Open my heart and my mind.

21. F. pause

[long break here]

20. F. The weather outside is frightful…soon time to venture out

19. F. Feeling like things are beginning to return.

18. F. pause. Will my former self emerge as I pause only briefly in these stops. Or does asking “Who am I” keep me focused

17. F. pause. Clearing things off my “to do” list

14-16. F. pause

13. F. pause. Hard to stop, was skipping along through the work. Who is skipping? Who stopped?

12. “…bell, sings heavy music to thy timorous soul” [Henry VI]

11. F. Who is listening to the bell? Who is asking the question? Who wants to know?

10. F. Little bit of time lapsed. Who is this writing now?

9. Lots of help at PaB. Just talking about it helps bring things into a better balance.

8. Bell, this is not the kind of work that benefits from stopping every 15 minutes. But who is sitting here now? There is a PaB session now. Maybe I should go.

7. Called forth so soon? Nay bell, 15 minutes can not have passed so soon. Who am I?

6. F. So soon bell. Being careful to truly stop and letting work go. Who I am now?

5. F. pause. Who is stopping?

4. Last night Corvi asked a question that I could not answer. Who is talking about suppressing the “former self “? “Who” questions are always interesting and a great pointer at what to watch.

3. Gr. (smile)

2. TGT. Today is cold and gray but we are waiting for a big storm which will bring rain, then ice and then snow. It was a beautiful ride in this morning and I am hoping that I can still bike later. Thus I am experiencing a bit of nervous anticipation this morning as I remember that I am alive on this earth for another day, a day which will see grat changes in the weather.

1. Palmanova is an ideal city built in the late 17c in northwest Italy, ostensibly to defend against the Turks, but in reality it defended against the Austrians (Holy Roman Empire). It first had an efficient military plan designed by a military architect (Buonaoiuto Lorini) but was then tamed somewhat by Vincenzo Scamozzi, a former student and follower of Andrea Palladio. This made it slightly more livable but weakened the defenses somewhat. No one was really happy about it except possibly for Scamozzi. Palmanova is the title of this post today because of the inconsistencies and contradictions in the city and me at present. It was a little of this, and a little of that, and never that successful as a city although it did what it was supposed to do as a military outpost until Napoleon arrived in the early 19c.

Wrong Computer or Software? (#188)

5. F. There are different ways to approach the problem but it is clear something needs to be done.  There is an unwelcome guest in the house. Does one train the guest to live harmoniously, suppress the guest (look it in the basement?) or does one just decide it does not matter? The guest glances about very suspiciously and glowers. If visitors and fish stink after three days, what about three months?

[long break]

4. F. pause

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Another gray, cool, damp day in which to experience life for another day.

1. Last night I had a new dream. It seems to have been inspired by Maxine’s dream that she recounted in her recent talk, and reminded us in the yesterday morning session. I was with a friend (I think it was Maxine, present to tell me my dream is in some way related to hers) and we were going to go for a walk in the woods. For some reason I had to get my computer running first. I had two softwares, one already running, and a second one that had a really beautiful opening screen with a sunrise or sunset on it. Appropriately, it was similar to the Second Life screen. I knew the software is related to my PaB practice which was in recession. I started the software and it got to about 3% and stopped. I had to remain there until it started; I couldn’t go for the walk; I couldn’t restore the old, simple software back on the computer. I was very frustrated and was concluding this PaB software was just too complex for me now, that I needed something simpler now. On waking, I played with that thought for a while, wondering how I could synthesize this to my own needs. At the same time, I realized that this was somehow related to Maxine’s dream. How could this be? Also instinct told me the PaB software was not complex. I may have added to it but PaB was not that complex and should run on any computer. The answer may be that it may not be the wrong software, but a faulty computer. I could not run the software with the state I have put myself in. My old self emerged at the beginning of the big recently completed project; I think that moderated during much of the duration, but near the end, a couple of things happened as impediments, and I drew on some negative strength to plow through them. I call it negative because for hours I worked furiously, maybe even angrily, not caring about anything else but getting it done. Other things have happened during the duration of the project including my vision of the great space, and then the almost two months of waking up and then not going back to sleep (this is starting to happen again now).

Whitish Morning (#187)

7. F. A quiet moment at the end of the day. It has been a good day in many ways including getting a start on some of the things I had put aside.  There is something more though. I am feeling more peaceful than I have in a few weeks. It is time to tell the listless crew to make the beached ship seaworthy again. They seem to be relieved and coming back to life too. They push the ship off the sandbar. Set the course to go our and sail around and around in the circle once again boys! Huzzah! Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

4-6. F. pause

3. This morning I am beginning a list of all the things I need to do.

2. Gr.

1. TGT. It was a beautiful winter-looking, wet, gray morning. Snow all over roofs, grass, trees and cars but the roads clear so biking not a problem. Warm enough that though it is a damp day, the air is not biting. A winter wonderland without the inconvenience! And me….granted yet another day to appreciate its beauty.

Late out of the Starting Gate (#186)

2. Gr

1. TGT. Very late in starting today. Sitting in a warm house, looking out the window, at the snow falling furiously, remembering it is enough to be alive to appreciate this evening

Overtime (#185)

6. F. I am witnessing things slowly coming back into my consciousness as I separate from the big project. I seemed to have harnessed some kind of negative energy, or some kind of energy that has left negative feelings,  to wrap this up. Or have things just come together? How do I bounce back quickly?

[long break here]

5. F. It is finished!

4. F. pause

3. F. Slogging out the last pieces

2. Gr.

1, TGT. Rembering it is enough to be alive

Traditions (#184)

4. F.

[long break here]

3. BRB. Time to put on my guardian tag….

2. Gr. For a brief time I wonder of this should now be combined with #1, but then I know that this needs to be a second step. I slipped on the balance a bit last week. It is important for me to keep in mind all the things there are for which to be grateful

1. TGT. Beautiful sunny day, the wind had died down and temperatures are moderating. Here I am with a hole wonderful day ahead of me to enjoy my aliveness for another day.

Shipping and Arrival (#183)

7. F. There is something very compelling about the story of the new baby bringing hope to the world, to the angels singing to the shepherds. And then how the story has moved from the warm night in Palestine to the cold northern climate with the “moon on the crest of the new fallen snow” and the smell of warm holiday treats, and colored lights to brighten up the long winter nights. I can’t get the picture out of my head of the poor man being trampled to death by greedy shoppers whipped into a frenzy by store owners with shortages and price manipulation. I share the pain of his family. Their loss will be felt again and again in future holiday seasons. How we can twist our sacred traditions into something so ugly, and in this case, deadly.

6. I like the fact that we can mix other traditions with PaB. PaB seems a bit flighty; it is constantly changing. Sometimes we need something a bit more firm under our feet. There are things we already understand which are in the vocabulary, the metaphors, of the older traditions. For me, my spirituality, seems to be anchored in Christian imagery, symbols, language and music.

5.  Two long entries lost by this backward software were here. I keep forgetting to save the entries into a notepad before pressing update when I haven”t used the blog for a while.

4. This morning flooded roads forced a detour to a different location. The first trail was at the edge of a small marsh. It was very quiet, no sign of life. Trees growing at irregular angles seemed to present a twisted backdrop.

Water still rushing down the litle streamlet…

Then off to the woods, with the low winter sun sending its light sideways through the trees.

3. F. pause. Yes, there are inherent difficulties with the old traditions to speak clearly to the modern world.

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Alive on this sunshiny, cold Saturday. brrrr. This was supposed to be the day after completing the big project but there is more tediousness to go.

I woke up this morning thinking about all the talk about whether PaB is a valid approach and whether it starts at the end. I spent six months sailing around, my navigation aids telling me that there was no destination. I learned to appreciate the up and down motion of the waves and the taste of the salt air. Now it appears I have been here all the time. I am uncertain this morning whether or not I disembark. I look to the crew, and they look back, and shrug their shoulders.

Hey, it’s the beginning of the weekend.

Foggy and Flooding (#182)

26-30.  F. pause

[long break here]

25. F. I didn’t make it by my deadline. Hmmm. What now? No dancing on the way home I guess….

22-24. F. pause

21. F. pause…back on track

20. BrM. Found more problems. Ready to wite query to right some of it. Cross my fingers

17-19. F. pause

16. BrM.

5-15. F. pause

4. F. pause. A start and then pfffffffft. Try again….a new start…..

3. F. Pausing to try to get myself focused. I may just need one more good, clear thinking day but clouds have been building up as I have gotten closer to finish line.

2. Gr.

1. TGT. It was a foggy ride this morning; the river is over its banks. I am alive to witness this presentation. Is this morning a metaphor for my state of mind?