Waves (# 169)

3. Thinking more about space today. I have no words for what I see and feel. Once again I find myself in awe of the beauty and power of all I saw today.

Cloudy night, ghostlike waves crashing against the sure, clouds making subtle patterns in the dark sky, stars appearing here and there through the few breaks in the clouds, reflected light from two planets, one above the other, penetrating through the clouds, lights from two lighthouses creating long beams sweeping across the sky, one behind me and one far across the bay on the far shore.

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Alive another day on this beautiful planet

Thanksgiving (#168)

3. F. Standing on a dark beach, listening to the ocean, near a lighthouse, watching the beam sweeping across the ocean, the real show is overhead. It has been years and years since I have seen so many stars. Even the milky way is dimly visible overhead. Once again I think about space but the primary thought, as my gaze sweeps around this vast space, is “behold his works”, an act of appreciation. I am in awe.

2. Gr. It is Thanksgiving, in some ways the best holiday of the year, and not for the eating, but for the fact that we stop to recognize all the bounty of the earth

1. TGT. Beautiful sunshiny day in which to be alive on planet earth.

Cold Sunshine (#167)

4. Standing at the ocean, in a large open space, the first that is big enough to try to imagine the giant human being mentioned in the TSK book. I am able to carve out an imaginary space for it and can even imaging the size of the feet, like a big rock, but that is as far as my imagination will do. While there I ponder the shape of the earth and the fact that Europe is not straight out but somewhere below what I see as the ocean’s edge. Funny that I never seem to have had that thought before.

3. Cold sunshiny day.

2. Gr.

1.TGT. Enough to be alive. Tenuous internet connection. Wakeful last night.

Drifting (#166)

17. F.

16. F. pause

[long break here]

13-15. F. pause

12. F. The ringing summons me once again

10-11. F. pause

9. F. long pause, listening and watching

8. F. How quickly one can move from drifting once when wonders “way?” Forgetting about time for now.

[break here - longer than expected; lunch with a former and valued colleague]

7. F. pause

6. F. Forgetting time and just working between stops

5. F. Is it time that I am struggling against as I approach the last stages of the project?

4. F. Digging into task for day

3. Drifting in placid waters. Sun beating down. Drinking water low. No sign of land or other ships. Just the steady rising and falling with the waves

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Enough to be alive

#165

24. End of day. Nothing to write

23. F. pause

22. F. pause

[long break here]

20-21. F. pause

19. F. Quieter now. I still feel the stress.

17-18. F. pause

16. BrM. A true stop, taking myself out of time’s restraints, I reflect on Being and myself. I am a child of….of what? of the world? of Being? of God? All beings are my siblings? What is the difference between me and the turkey I may be eating on Thanksgiving? I pause a little longer to appreciate this moment away from time. I do not want to go back.

15. F. pause

14. BrM. I am feeling great stress as I try to pull all the pieces together today. I spend a little extra time trying to look for the source of the stress and watching myself deal with it. I think the stress is related to anticipation of the end against very tedious, repetitive checking procedures. I also am beginning to think about the things I need to do when the project finally is finished. Ah, transitional stress. I’ve seen you before. I remind myself that the causes of the stress are all illusions.

5-13. F. pause

4. F. The past couple of weeks have been a bit different for me. I am watching my “self” be itself, able to moderate it. Everything else is moderated too. There seem to be no new ideas about myself or reality or Being. It is quiet on that score although productive in other areas. It was the first weekend for a long time seemingly without some kind of significant event although there may be some unfinished dream business. As I watch myself, I am conscious that each of these little periods can be appreciated for what they are. I am learning about “not doing” or wu-wei.

3. Gr. Another thing to remember

2. TGT. Just getting around to remembering that it is enough to be alive today. I try to grab that thought and hold on to it. Yes, everything seems to be functioning

1. New pattern of wakefulness seemingly due to project stress.

Start Today Again (#164)

7. F. pause

6. Going back to #4, there certainly is a difference between PaB and SL. Hmm, as I try to explain, I realize I don’t have this all thought out. The important thing is to keep stopping regularly and let this just happen. I feel a little down this weekend but I think it is where I left the project on Friday. It was a bit disappointing and it is a short week coming up.

5. F. I have some thoughts about #4 but no time now

4. House Cleaning Meditation . We are searching for reality. While our avatars can shake things up, make us look at things differently, they also can be a denial of reality. Joseph Campbell noted that one thing religion or mythology did for is help us with age transition.

3. Gr. Among other things for the systems in #2 continuing to work today

2. TGT. It is enough to be alive and I can appreciate my body carrying on, the heart continuing to pump, the lungs, my own bellows, bringing in oxygen. Cells defending the body against pathogens and other attacks. All the systems continuing to be “go”. The presentation is modest, air going in and out the nose, feeling the heartbeat, the process of digestion, etc. Otherwise most things are taking place quietly. away from our minds.

1. There is a skipped number here. For the first time I am uncertain about posting last night’s recurring dream. Since this is my log of what is happening to me, it is important to record it but not necessary to tell about it. As I begin to understand it I may feel differently. Considering what I have written, this sudden hesitation is almost silly but this is another experiment for me.

There are two things which jump out at me.

Last night at PaB an analogy of a diving board and how important it was to jump in was brought up. I impulsively raised a “contrarion” view of appreciating the feel of the diving board with one’s toes. I also could imagine (not stated) the light playing on the water, the sun warming my skin, a bird flying by, and the view from the height. Of course, up there is a bathing suit is a bit exhibitionist too. In any case, one thread might be the dream warning me about the possible pitfalls of taking of a “contrarion” view. If one doesn’t jump in, then one can make it more difficult for oneself.

The dream changed in subsequent versions; the story was changed to facilitate new needs. Is this then a lesson for me about how the story is an illusion, easily rewritten to make it a different story. Are we constantly rewriting our story? If I am, this would be a significant insight.

Uncertainty (#162)

5. Looking around the room at each object and thinking of the space within the object. Then I look down at myself. Yes me too. It always is a but humbling to think at the atomic level. All of those complex carbon based molecules in me.

4. Watching myself walking on a very cold, windy day in the woods. The sun brightly shining, creating long shadows but providing little warmth on this winter day in autumn. I witness leaves dancing in circles on the ground, at one point seemingly stampeding in mass down a hill. Wind whistling in my ears. Ice crystals here and there on the ground. What a privilege it is to be here to appreciate the presentation of Being!

[long break here]

3. Gr. I haven’t put enough into these exercises this past week…sort of skimming over them. What a great one this is

2. TGT. A beautiful Saturday morning with a walk awaiting. What fun to be alive on a Saturday morning!

1. I woke up after a night of troubled dreams, unsolvable situations. Part of it might be due to the project. Two days ago  began to see the end and yesterday as I grasped at it, it proved elusive and seemed to move further away. Is the end an illusion? Is the project an illusion? The uncertainty seems to have carried over to myself. Yesterday I summarized what I believed and I am not sure it has any basis in reality. Is that what Pema means when he says we are an illusion. I also had two long conversations in SL yesterday in which we discussed ourselves; the second dream was triggered by one of those conversations.

Dream one: I was at a lecture with a composite SL/RL lecturer, in a composite room, very ornate, complex and large with balconies. The lecturer had moved into the audience and was speaking from the front right of the hall, with a row of seats up the side and lights above. The lecturer wanted to show something but the light wasn’t bright enough and complained about how awful the room was because he couldn’t see. I thought to myself that this is a beautiful room and it is a minor problem. Just not enough money for maintenance. I spoke up “I can fix that”. First no one heard me and I said it again louder. My voice seemed lost in the hall. Finally the third time I said it as loud as I could and was heard. The professor gave me a glare and then shrugged. I figured I would exchange a bulb from somewhere in the back with the one that was out. Was I in for a surprise!!! All the bulbs within reach were a different type. Only very high up on the ceiling were there bulbs like the one that was out. It would have taken a thirty or forty foot ladder to retrieve them. While I was wandering around trying to find a bulb that class ended and another was in session. The classroom seemed to have changed too.

Dream two: I was driving with a woman when she suddenly began to go into labor. It would be her first child. I tried to find the hospital. She had to go to the one where her doctor was. I found myself driving down beautiful country roads but the hospital was in the city. I woke up out this dream feeling the uncertainty I previously mentioned.

There were other similar dreams but I have forgotten them. I think of the Google search result. See all 34,702 similar dreams. Alas, the link has disappeared, my friends.

Who Am I? Summary (#161)

33. F. I have been focusing on the simple elements of who I am. There is a more complex answer. So many things have shaped us. There are things which have become a part of us that we would like to shed. All of these things are related to self however. Is housecleaning ones self an ongoing chore?

[long break here]

24-32. F. pause

23. F. This is one of those times when the bell interrupts a previous entry. Time to stop from that and return to my tasks.

22. I stop and listen to the music. I have never adequately described what i feel. Maybe I don’t know. I think I may have noted yesterday that I had learned to appreciate what it does to me as part of the appearance. Is that the sum. I feel like my whole body is reaching out to something as it listens quietly almost reverently. Although the music is written around words, it is the music that moves me. I know I keep coming back to this. It interests me. Like the visions, it is a pleasant sensation but unlike them, I can almost dial it up at will.

8-21. F. pause

7. F. Bell rings just as I hit a snag. Coincidence? Good time to stop

6. F. pause

5. F. Bell again . Whew, I must be moving slowly this morning

4. F. First bell here and gone already. Now to try to pick up where I left off yesterday. It seems a daunting task right at the moment. Sigh

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Another beautiful cold morning to be alive on the beautiful blue and white (with a touch of green) planet. Let us all hope we can retain the green. My coat was cold when I put it on this morning.

1. Yesterday I wrote a fanciful dialog for no real apparent reason (at the time) but it has made me return to the question of who or what I am. From what I have learned and experienced so far I believe there is an inner mind separate, but supported by, a self, that retains the memories and creates identities and attachments. I have learned (and am learning) the hard way that the body also is a separate entity with it’s own intelligence. Where does these leave this anti-self, alt self, extension of self, or voice manifested as Adams? I am not sure that is an important question except that it helps me wear self more lightly. Beyond that the body is real and mortal. There seems to be some question about the inner mind. The self can be suppressed but with consequences, i.e. no memory. Is that a reasonable summary?

A New Day (#160)

39. F. pause

38. F. pause. Hmm I had written something here earlier and forgot to save it. Now it is gone.

[long break here]

37. F. pause

36. F. Last delete coming. Don’t mess it up

35. F. pause. Big breaths

34. F. Needing a little extra pause to let myself relax a little. i wonder what I am witnessing. Everything starting to just fall together by itself…a beautiful thing to see. I am very much moved.

33. F. Things going very well. Everything working so far but I am shaking in awe. Another day like this and…….wow!

27-32. F. pause

Adams Comes for a Visit

26. I heard a wee voice and looked down and there was Adams standing between the mini-Buddha and mini-Ganesh.
Adams Rubble: Don’t you ever clean you desk?
***: Once or twice a year…I am able to just throw most of it away then
Adams Rubble: It’s quite a chore to climb over all these wires. Why do they have to be so big?
***: They are just appearances of wires
Adams Rubble: Hehe. that was quite a session today with Maxine and Pema, et al. Thanks for letting me attend
***: I thought you’d enjoy it. I didn’t think there would be too much evil talk. That was a bit of surprise the other night. Hi-yo Silver indeed!
Adams Rubble: You’d be surprised about what my voice may remember.
***: Voice or a self? That is a question, I wonder, hmmm…..I still have a bit of trouble with the movie analogy
Adams Rubble: Maybe you don’t go to enough movies!
***: Yeah, maybe. The SL analogy works better for me. I can easily understand you wearing your manifestation lightly, even overflowing into RL. Only once in awhile does SL come into RL. More frequently it seems though lately. Like now!
Adams Rubble: Yes, am I here or aren’t I here. Are you seeing me or am I back at the beach house? I do think SL is much prettier than this desk, that’s for sure.
***: Although my desk is not dependent on Linden servers or internet connections, or even electricity being available for its appearance
Adams Rubble: Just somebody to slop it up, eh . How are you doing with the sleep?
***: Off and on. The weather is changing so maybe the body will settle down. I am learning to see and accept things which seem to be outside the ability of my mind to predict or maybe even comprehend. None of that is easy to put into words
Adams Rubble: Pema was suggesting that the “I” doesn’t remember the timeless things today
***: That could be discouraging. It takes a good bit of doing and not doing to have these experiences and to see. One would hope there is some kind of continuity. My sense over the five months is that there has been although it sometimes feels like there are so many things to consider or ways of looking at reality. Is that the forgetting part, I wonder
Adams Rubble: I can’t help you with these things. Unless you have me do some of the exercises
***: Hmmm. I wonder if anyone has tried the avatar doing the exercises. Would we need a special 9-second pose ball?
Adams Rubble: I know some magicians who might be able to script one.
***: Everyone would be able to sit around the pavilion doing the exercise when the bell rings
Adams Rubble: I feel a difference in the way we are conversing
***: Yes, I was thinking that too. The dividing line is shrinking as we seem to be drifting into harmony. To tell you the truth, I miss our self battles a little
Adams Rubble: That surprises me a little since I usually got the best of you
***: It was always in my power to squash you like a bug
Adams Rubble: Hmm. here I am standing next to a Buddha. You seem to need some more learning on the ‘life is sacred” thing. I have friends you know. But let’s not start all that again. I accept the harmony. I feel that you just added this part because you wanted to show off the picture.
***: Haha. Maybe! Well good chatting with you. The computer has finished another batch for me to work with.
Adams Rubble: Bye for now (Ouch. %4u&#s@ wires!)

21-25. F. pause

20. F. Very good session on appearance at the 7 AM session.Came a little closer to understanding Pema’s movie analogy

5-19. F. pause

4. The first bell rings while I am being grateful. I pause for nine seconds and then resume. A week ago I passed, but never noticed, my first anniversary in Second Life. I never, never would have, could have expected what I found there. Soon I will have been in PaB for six months too, which, of course, is responsible for clouds dispersing and the sun shining brightly, warming me from afar in the big space we call the solar system.

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Here I am alive again for another day on this beautiful planet. This morning I reflect on people somewhere on the other side of the sphere just going to sleep. I wonder if they are sleeping through the night. Some are, some aren’t.

1. The opening of my blog this morning happily coincides with the beginning of Gretchaninoff’s Antiphonies and I have a feeling, i.e. the appearance of a feeling, that this is a special moment. I stop to breathe it in, to appreciate the feeling. I am on new ground this morning too; I will have to solve some problems that I have never seen before. I have a plan which may or may not work. I had a fairly good sleep last night as my body is reacting to the weather changes. Hallelujah!

Looking Too Far Ahead (#159)

38. F. Tired thoughts tonight. Wu-wei. Appearance. Sleep. Presence. Presentation. Being. Sleep. Space. Sleep. Body. Sleep. Sleep.

37. F. Trying to stop more often at home too

36. F. An Obama spokesman is on TV talking about the vetting process for the appointments to the new administration. Experienced people have been vetted on old scandals but know there are internet scandals. He suggested in the future they will have to look at AVATARS! Uh oh!

35. F. pause

34. F. pause

33. F. pause

[long break here]

32. F. pause

31. F. pause

30. F. O gentle bell, you call again….

29. F. I can appreciate not only the music but how it moves me, how it makes me feel connected. That is a new way of looking at it for me. I consider whether I can appreciate too how tired I feel at the moment having completed a big task. …..Appreciation of the presence of the appearance of the presentation of Being.

28. F. pause

27. F. This morning I had a thought about the energy and whether in some way it derives from Being. I don;t do more than record the thought here. I may be more interested in what else I can do if I remember to stop regularly.

24-26. F. pause

23. F. Moving ahead now

22. F. I have finished an important leg of my project way ahead of schedule. I feel drained. The next tasks are all new. How does one check over 100,000 images against a database? i can’t wait to find out.

4-21. F. pause

3. Gr

2. Another wakeful night! This time it may be that I started to think about the future and got myself all in a muddle. Actually thinking about being alive today helped me recognize that this morning. I seem to be working more productively than ever but the tasks before me still seem formidable. Could be I am all wrong again and just misunderstand what is going on. The sleeping did come around the weekend.

1. TGT. A beautiful, cold, crisp, windyish day to be alive on this earth.