Oh my, Wandering Selves (#140)

9/ ZRM. OK, I see now. I must look for facts. I must see. I must observe. Assumptions will not do. What have I seen? What are the facts? I am waking up in the middle of the night and lay awake for an hour or more. I am not upset; I am calm. I have very few thoughts. Concentrating on my brath or doing a body scan usually does not work. This is a new phenomena for me having the wakeful periofd without accompanianing distress. I have had periods where I imagined many things about both my SL selves (avatars) and real life selves (me at different times). I began to feel anger that I could not shake. I began to forget things. I am working on a work project that requires a big effort and I have engaged memory that I haven’t used for a year. I became confused about priorities. Also ZI have not done most of the PaB exercises including watching my thoughts. I wonder what I would see? I am very tired so I am going to try again. Good night world.

8. F. pause to reflect a little.

7. F. There is some strong force drawing (or pushing) me along too. Is it curiosity to know? curiosity to feel? curiosity to connect? I again want to feel the exhilaration of great space.

6. F. It has not been lost on me that Pema pointed me more to the exploration than the results so far. These results then are illusions also? I am wishing I had some firm ground underneath my feet. At least I used to know where the ground was.

5. F. Maybe because the weekend approaching, but more from the past few sessions I attended I am beginning to feel more connected with the group.

4. F. In addition to Halloween it is Reformation Day today and I am thinking of the effects Martin Luther had on Europe, most of them unintended. Luther had a role to play that went beyond anything he could have imagined. Once he started things, he had to go with that role. In Christian terms there would be a side to take on Luther. It appears Luther never intended to be a divisive person. In the Being I think I began to see and understood yesterday, it appears Luther connected with Being and was guided the rest of the way by the forces he unleashed/tapped. the changes I am considering for myself regarding the church are far more radical than anything Luther proposed; Of course I have the freedom to pursue those, I am not out to change the church, and no one there knows or cares what I think. That seems a good place to be.

3. Gr. Good to remember this morning

2. TGT. Alive again but very tired and confused. I remember it is enough to just be alive

1. Last night I asked for a clue as to what was causing my sleep depravaration and in answer I remembered two dreams, one which answers the question directly and then a second one that answers it indirectly. The first was after about two hours of sleep. The second came after three periods of being awake, after the first two I went right back to sleep, but after the third I was awake for a few hours. I had fallen back to sleep right before morning and the dream came at the end of that.

First Dream: I was the guardian at a PaB meeting and we were having a discussion. I asked what they would like to talk about and I received an IM message (it came across in the chat log) from someone named George (the name has possible implications to me). George said he wanted to talk about “selves”. I woke up thinking this was my clue that I had requested.

Second dream: I was visiting my old elementary school where I went as a child. The first thing I noticed on entry was that there was something wrong with the stairs – each of the steps and risers were tiny, out of scale. I somehow managed to get up them and then turned down a familiar hall and met someone with whom I used to teach. I was surprised he was teaching here and he told me he usually taught on the eighth floor of a new school and I should stop by there. I did so and was instroduced to the school body at an assembly by a principal I also knew but as a parent). I went to the first classroom on the ground floor and met the teacher I knew and he told me he would be on the eighth floor by the time I worked my way up. The classroom (and subsequent ones) were very crowded and I had to make my way down an aisle and across the back to exit. Each classroom had many fish in many tanks and lots of potted plants and I got lost for a time trying to get my camera through the plants (hmmm). I visited a few classrooms and each classroom had many tanks of fish. In one classroom one of the baby fish was eaten as I looked at the tank which initially upset the teacher. The teacher said they would have to have ******* supply some more baby fish. Outside the exit was a room where two people were raising fish for the classrooms (one of the people looked similar to a RL picture one of the PaB avatars had sent to me). The teachers told me they were going out to lunch but that I could continue my tour if I wanted. I decided it would be better to see them at lunch than wander all day around the school. Besides we would have a better chance to talk and I would be free in the afternoon to do something else (I forget what). We were wandering around and a group of us sat down in a restaurant but nobody else was coming. Somebody told us they were in a different restaurant and we grabbed our stuff to go. There was a mix up with gloves as we were packing up and I ended up with the wrong gloves which upset me because mine were expensive and I didn’t want to lose them. I finally resigned myself to that but then a woman came running up with my gloves. She told me that these other gloves that I had mistakingly received were a special invention and told me what they were used for around the house but I forget that part. I decided I knew a shortcut so I set off alone. It was Princeton and I had a guidebook written by Piet to the sights of Princeton. The book was hefty and hardbound (about 10×7x3″) with beautiful red line-color drawings of all the buildings and interiors and a good bit of text about each building. It also had numerous line-drawing maps but I couldn’t find the map for the area was in. I flipped through furiously looking for the right map. I woke up still wandering around princeton trying to find the restaurant and I had used up all but 15 minutes of the teachers’ lunch time.

Still Missing (#139)

10. F. Help me to remember whatever it is that I have forgotten that is important to understanding what is happening now. Help me to understand this. I began to see today how Being is different from my Judeo-Christian understanding of God. Human beings are connected by their actions as well as by their love for one another. Deeds and actions echo in others and then to more “others”. For the first time I see a different importance to “work”. I have been focused in the physical collection but my work has a greater effect on the individuals in ways I have never realized. Ideas learned now may surface years from now and then affect or even inspire others. What an interesting thing to learn today. If I should wake up in the middle of the night, please help me see what it is that is doing the waking. Then please help me address that in a way that makes me a beter person. Amen.

9. F. I have been somewhat confused about the timing of the events since my experience with the great space. I read back over the blog and it started much earlier than I thought. I haven’t been sleeping right for almost a month. Her is the chronology of what I think is important:
10/2 – Vision of Great Space possibly in response to Pema’s suggestion of a fourth time; woke up in middle of night for the first time in this stretch
10/4 – Dream about parallel selves – had been doing APAPB up until this time – In the dream both my real self and avatar selves react badly to the situation. I note that I am feeling uneasy. Up until this point I had assumed I was wearing Adams lightly as an example to my real self
10/6 – Adam’s suggests a conversation between my real self and the pre-PaB self (I never get this done); I note that if this is a ship, things seem to be getting thrown overboard; I note that I am forgetting to think about Being. {So I am thinking about what I had been earlier]
10/7 – complain of waking up in middle of night again
10/8 – complain of waking up in middle of night again
10/9 – record being angry and unable to shake the anger – [old self beginning to emrge?] (still doing Being Seeing exercise)
10/14 – three dreams remembered; I note memory loss which I connect to not using Adams and dream about forgetting a formula for finding a beautiful place; I am rejected in second dream for touching someone; third dream is about hurt [I assume it is not mine but need to consider otherwise- is this some connection with an earlier self, a memory?]
10/15 note pattern of dreaming about PB and not sleeping; I went to Princeton-temporarily gained some energy from it
10/17-10-/19 – Princetont fest – real self mixes with real selves of other avatars; on Saturday night I dream about the spaces and openings – after Pema’s drawing and related to my earlier experiences
10/23 – Moses and Joshua; I am thinking of changing avatars
10/25 – have dream related to work situation – frustration with being thwarted

I see a number of patterns here. Could there be multiple reasons why I am having this sleep issue. Obviously work is an issue. I stop doing the exercises related to Being. There are personal issues. I am playing with my avatar identities. Hmmm. As I do after recording a dream, I need to let this go for a bit. In the next couple fo days can I finish the dialog by trying to explain about Being to my former self. that may be a useful exercise.

********************

8. F. Actions can have unexpected consequences as we are interconnected with fellow beings and Being. In the Mahabharata, the “good guys” are punished for having mercy on the “wicked” who are rewarded for ahving carried out their intended role. That implies a kind of predestination but the fact is we have roles and people have learned to depend on a certain behavior from us. When we do the unexpected it creates a bit of chaos. It happens often in politics. Today listening to Boris Godunov I was thinking that Pushkin was demonstrating the chaos that might be created by neglectful government. In a more contemporary setting, political leaders who appeal to fear may unleash powerful forces that can end up in tragedy. A couple having a bitter divorce try to hurt each other and thus affect their friends and acquaintances who in term get upset and either ignore or take it out on others, and so on. Hmmm. I think I have stumbled on a way that Being is different than God.

[gap here or rather, a change of scenery since there are big gaps in the preceding)

7. F. Note to myself: Go back two weeks or so on the blog and find out what I was thinking before this happened. Have I veered off course? Is my ship taking on water?

6. F. I have this image of someone just grasping at whatever is around hoping that it will be the answer

5. F. Listening to the powerful end of the Boris Godunov opera (interrupted yesterday), I wonder what I might regret if I were on my deathbed now. Might that be a clue to what I am missing, or a clue to what I am NOT doing? Not easy to imagine though.

4. F. When we fail to do our jobs, or intended roles well, there are consequences to other people. We are interconnected to/by Being.

3. Another night of broken sleep. I thought I had identified the problem yesterday and it still is not the reason I am waking up. I am getting so few clues at night. I do tend to be thinking about work so maybe it just is the stress of the magnitude of the project in the time frame. I realize that I did not think of talking to the former self about Being or God in yesterday’s dialogue. Maybe that is something worth doing. I have lost touch with things that I knew in the summer or earlier this fall. Maybe tonight?

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Another day to be alive; it is enough

Becoming Old Self (#138)

11. As the narrator, I am not sure who I am right at this moment, so I will just record the following conversation:

Z-Self:: We are extremely surprised that you emerged. We thought you were gone.
Fall 2007 Self: I feel a little like Rip Van Winkle. So much has changed. I get very confused.
Z-Self:: We’ll try to explain it to you as we go along. We think it is important that we try to get more of your perspective about some things before you disappear. We expect you to do some kind of merger but since this has never happened before, we are unsure
Fall 2007 Self: Sure, and I will have some questions
Z-Self:: We think you are a result of two converging events. Possibly you help cause one. Over the weekend, *** and the avatars got themselves into a labyrinth, each of them trying to lead the others out and emerge as a leader. This was all a distraction that we think started with the great space vision but now that you have emerged, maybe you confused them. Sort of like a person who comes up behind two people in a conversation and thwumps one of them of the head. That person thinks the person next to him did it and begins to question him sternly. While that is going on the second person gets thwumped on the head and partly due to that an the irritation of being falsely accused and thinking the person is up to no good, the two start fighting while the person who did the original thwumping supresses giggles. In your case, when you began to emerge, the others thought each of them were trying to take over. Instead it was you!
Fall 2007 Self: Well I didn;t ask to be here. I have two questions. 1) what is an avatar?
Z-Self:: lets get ***.    ***! Please answer his question
***: Hi fall 2007 self. You look very familiar
Fall 2007 Self: You too except you look so calm and seem happier. What is an avatar?
***: Do you remember early last fall, you went to a seminar on using technology to communicate with students and you were told about Second Life? And then at the Sakai, class, the instructor insisted you get on and check out the Sistine Chapel?
Fall 2007 Self: Ah, yes. I haven’t had time to do that. It seems silly to me. All this pretend stuff and what is this about being a different gender? That sounds a bit weird to me but for some reason fascinating. And this Sistine Chapel stuff. Don’t we have enough reconstructions in too many different formats. Art Historians and others are in the processing making collections of motion images of building interiors. How can this virtual stuff be better? It will become one other software to try to bring up in class.  Seems like a colossal waste of time to me. People always seem to want to get into some kind of new fad. I am tired of technological change. Let’s work on the content of what we have
***: Well, the pretend “you” on Second Life” is called an avatar. I just found out from Stim and Pema that avatar is Sanskrit for a manifestation of a god.
Fall 2007 Self: OK, who are Stim and Pema?
***: They are people also on Second Life but they told me in first life
Fall 2007 Self: My head is spinning. They are are avatars but told you in First Life? Geez, I am getting a little vexed
***: Well stay calm and we’ll try to help you. In Real Life they are people with avatars (wise people)
Fall 2007 Self: This Second Life stuff is suggestive of spiritual, you know heaven!!!?!
***: You made good use of that thought but that had to wait until you became less busy again in the Spring
Fall 2007 Self: What is great space? Are you talking about outrer space?
***: I have had some visions since I started in PaB…
Fall 2007 Self: Hold on, what is PaB? i hear so much about it. PaB this and PaB that. I don’t remember any PaB
***: Oh my, where do we start to have this make sense to you? PaB is Play-as_Being. It is a group that you began to hang around with in June. You came on to Second Life in mid November
Fall 2007 Self: Ah, that’s in just a few weeks. That is about the time I expect to finish this project
***: Yes, that is last year’s project. Well you got on, checked out the Sistine Chapel (you liked it by the way) and then someone told you about the Dresden Gemaldegalerie and you checked that out too. That is a reconstruction of the old galleries and it is like having a membership in a German museum while living here
Fall 2007 Self: Well that sounds pretty neat. Then what happens
***: You get a little bored and begin to get things ready for the next load to the image base and also work on a big grant for A*******
Fall 2007 Self: Well, we’ll never get that
***: Surprise, you do. But in response the library decides to discontinue support for the image base software. This happens in March and you suddenly are without a place for the images so you slow down production and get back on Second Life
Fall 2007 Self: Wow, was there anything new done in the four months?
***: Well, you find some more sites and start learning to get around.
Fall 2007 Self: Do I find anything spiritual.
***: That’s the neat part. You start making some friends at those sites and then one day, hanging around a Buddhist garden, you find this play-as-being group and things begin to change rapidly. You had changed a good bit by the time this happened in June and then the changes become more rapid
Fall 2007 Self: Sounds interesting
Z-Self:: We are getting a little off topic here though. The PaB talk is one we should have with the pre-PaB self. As we have stated, you may have emerged out of the confusion of the weekend. Bit also you emerged because we had to call upon your memory to get the project underway. You and I had made a good team on those projects
Fall 2007 Self: Funny thing, I didn’t know you existed
Z-Self:: yes I was hidden to you but we worked well together and have been doing it again in the past couple of weeks
Fall 2007 Self: It feels good to work. What part do you do?
Z-Self:: I am doing the seeing and the thinking that goes into the color correcting in the editing process right now. You are remembering where things are and how to do all the tasks
Fall 2007 Self: And I thought I was doing it all
***: I have had to learn how to stay out of the way sometimes
Fall 2007 Self: Geez. That sounds tough
***: Not as tough as it sounds. There are rewards. I worry less and I don’t go around angry nearly so often
Fall 2007 Self: I don’t think I can do that
***: You learn to do it. You are laying the ground work for me
Fall 2007 Self: I am angry about alot of things. Those stinking dogs never stop barking for one
***: Haha, now the dogs make me think of comasion. Isn’t that a hoot?
Fall 2007 Self: You gotta be kiddin’ me. No way! Those dogs could drive a saint to cursing
***: Haha. It IS hard to believe.
Fall 2007 Self: Lots of things make me angry. Once I have an angry moment, it can stick with me the rest of the day unless I find a way to forget it. Just finding a way to deal with that would be worth alot.
***: Yes, that is how we figurd out you ahd returned. Yesterday we went home angry.
Fall 2007 Self: And you found a way to pursue the spiritual. I am convinced that I have lost that for good
***: You haven’t lost as much as you think. It is there waiting for you. You are hiding an answer that you don’t know you have. You do not have to grow old and bitter. Just old, if you stay alive long enough
Fall 2007 Self: I really can’t imagine this. It sounds so unbelievable. I feel even more like Rip Van Winkle now. I have been much blessed in this life and I know it should make me a happy person. But instead I can’t stop complaining
***: That part is much easier to fix than one would think. I start every day with a personal good thought about the one I love and then that it is enough to just be alive. Then I make a mental list of things I am grateful for
Fall 2007 Self: I remember a Thanksgiving service some years ago. I was siting there with a spouse who loved me and our first two children and the clergyman asked if any one would be willing say something for which they were thankful. It seemed as if he was looking at me and I just sat there. Of course so did everyone else but that scene has kind of haunted me
***: Keep up the hope
Z-Self: What we don’t know is what will happen now. Will you be staying for the length of the project or do some kind of merger with ***. But whatever happens it sure has been fun meeting you again.
Fall 2007 Self: Well you two are pretty neat too. It sure is an amazing tale. And you did all that without becoming a Buddhist?
Z-Self: Well the Buddhism part is another story but you did find a good number of Buddhist friends.
Fall 2007 Self: Well I always liked the few I have had in First Life. Do we get a Third Life?

**********************

10. F. I am enjoying my job today. Where else could one lose oneself in pictures and listen to Boris Gudunov? And I love this opera. It is near time to go home and I don’t want to go home. (Well maybe I don’t love it that much!)

9. F. As it gets closer to the time for PaB I am having the urge to attend although I really am too busy here. I wonder if the six hours is becoming ingrained. Do I need another fix of love and fellowship?

8. F. While I was working I began wondering Who is writing this blog. Maybe that is one reason I still need to learn more about the heart. I realize some of it comes from there.

7. F. The words “O mein herz” drifts by (from Siegfried) while I am pausing

6. F. I changed my music listening too while I am working. I have been listening to Wagner and a few other things. The figures of the Ring Cycle are motivated so much by attractions and identities but there is life and death there too on a fundamental level. Such a different from the loftiness of Gretchaninoff. It makes one think about how illusionary are our selves tying together with the theme of today.

5. F. Thinking back to the post a day or two ago, we have a need to love and we need to be loved. It feels like I just realized that on some profound level

4. F. pause. I feel so much more relaxed since deciding to go with the flow but I now feel very tired. Hmmm. Need some adrenaline. Too bad I don’t drink coffee

3. Gr. Wow, where do i start this morning? My cup seems to be overflowing (Glad is not my job to clean it up)

2. This is not what was supposed to happen. For some time I have been thinking about my thoughts and hopes at the time I first found PaB and what PaB has done for me. This morning I realized I have been slowly morphing into my self of one year ago, right before my brief incursion into Second Life (7 months before I knew PaB existed…before it existed). I am drawing on the memory of that self as I immerse myself in this big project. Also by nature of the task, I have run into dates that told me what I was doing as I found time to enter into Second Life, had to give it up for a time, and then return in March with a new character and purpose. I have been more controlled by the flow of events than I realized. I am ecstatic in one sense because I have been worried about withdrawing into myself and feeling somewhat annoyed and confused about PaB that wasn’t part of my life one year ago. It is a relief to see why this is happening. So much is illusion. I also feel grateful for this unexpected learning experience, a presentation of the appearance of a self hidden away in the memory cells and I am living this self again. Yet I see now the illusions and that this will be a temporary metamorphosis and a learning experience. Through it all, I can get a glimpse of the z-self, constant and steady (while my selves flit around unsteadily), slightly the worse for wear, but alive again for another day. I am that

1. TGT. A beautiful cold, crisp morning after a day of cold rain and some light snow (all melted). The sky just beginning to run a lighter shade of blue in the east and the streetlights like gems. A solitary bird overhead watching me enter the building. Another day to be alive with the actual clouds lifting and the metaphorical ones seeming to to clear also.

Union of Love (#137)

5. F. End of day.

[big gap]

4. F. NN

3. Gr.

2. TGT. It is a dark, cold, rainy morning, the perfect morning to get ones senses all in working away to demonstrate how alive one is this morning for another day on the beautiful planet Gaya.

1. I started into another labyrinth last night but caught myself during my now regular period of unwelcome wakefulness. I am a bit down and somewhat discouraged at times now. This morning I picked up “I Am That”. I had stopped reading it because it had begun to either be repetitive or incomprehensible to me. This morning I ran into a gem “Unity of being is the union of Love”. Nisaragadatta explains in the passage that we need human contact for warmth. Yes we do. Now that is something to chew on.

Resetting Once Again (#136)

9. F. NN

[long break here]

8. F. NN

7. F. pause

6. F. pause. My mind seems very quiet today but aware in a way, listening….

5. F. pause. I feel a bit sobered by my weekend in the labyrinth of my mind…and tired

4. F. When I mentioned my connection with the “freeing” space and the then the resulting bout with sleeplessness yesterday morning in PaB, one of the suggestions was that I was frightened by it. I have been pondering whether that might be the case. it didn’t seem to fit. The contrast with the subsequent dream about real life and avatar selves though is very striking. In addition, something seems to be breaking down in me. I have wondered whether, having seen this vision of this wonderful space, maybe I am just not ready for it. In Judeo-Christian terms one might say “I am not worthy Lord”. Maybe I am just overwhelmed by the majesty or magnitude.

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Antoher day to be alive and I remind myself it is enough…it is enough.

1. My thoughts overnight were all over the place. I seemed to be sleeping lightly and woke up a number of times, but was not awake for extended times. Each time I tried to keep myself quiet by doing a body sweep and trying to find my calm space and calming my “self” (selves?). But my thoughts are somewhat troubled and I have lost some kind of organizing ability. I no longer seem confident about my priorities for the things that need to be done. I have had thoughts ranging from “this is not working” (meaning PaB) to “I am not putting enough time into this” (meaning PaB). My thoughts and dreams overnight seem to be entirely PaB related. The most interesting dream or half-dream was the last where there were real life pictures of various real life PaB members with Pema being the most animated. I was conversing vigorously with the pictures by typing away and they (mostly Pema) were typng back to me.

Not Resolved (#135)

11. F. Help me to better understand what is happening to me and to allow myself to be open to what is to come

10. F. What would I see if I had no identities or attachments clouding my vision? I have noted that it would be fairly easy to see nature and looking at other people, one would see them as they are without seeing how they relate to myself. It is more difficult to imagine what I would see if looking at myself clearly.  Thinking about that either last night or this morning helped me see what a muddle I had created for myself the past couple of days. A graphical description would be easy with or without the clouds.I would see a good bit of “self” right at the moment. I would see a person who trusts the head more than the heart but one that can be touched by kindness and feel compassion too. I would also see someone who all of a sudden is unsure of priorities. It used to be easier. I am going to leave this because it may be more productive to think about this than write about it. This is my focus point for now.

9. F. pause but not ready to write

[long pause here]

8. F. I pause and then quickly write some thoughts. I am a bit rushed now. At the Sunday morning PaB session I finished out the thought process of the past couple of days and suggested in #7. I think my sleeplessness started right after seeing the great space. Immediately my selfs seemed to have started playing games with me and weaving an entangled web, or better still, a labyrinth and I have been wandering around trying to make sense of it all. It started with the dream, right after the vision in which I envisioned my rl self and sl self having parallel existences. Then they seemed to be struggling with each other. And yes ***, you are loved and everything is going to be just fine. And yes, Adams, everything is going to be fine and you too are loved. And suddenly I feel very tired but it is a long time until bedtime…things to do today. (yawn). Without sleeping it is time to quiet myself down and listen for the quiet voices.

7. I want to play with this thought. My selfs playing games. I had found the grand sapce and now I am entangled in a web of selves. It is time to rush to guardian duty.

6. F. Funny, some weeks or months ago my “self” seemed to be offering a compromise that I revert to my “Adams” self. Is this another “self” trick?

5. I don’t have this described quite right but I think I am in for some surprises as I work on the “Who am I” question.

4. Gr.

3. TGT. Well I am alive again to wonder just “Who am I?” It is enough to just be alive.

2. I am up again for a second time after another few hours of off and on sleeping. I know my dreams are about being in second life and that the conversations do not seem to be relevant. We are all speaking quietly. In fact I had the sense one might have been a rerun this morning. When I finally woke up I had a thought. At some point yesterday I seemed to recall that sleeplessness happens when one’s self disappears but it seems my “self” is very evident and that seems way to early for me. But does anyone know what it would be like if one’s real life self started to disappear and one’s avatar self started to run amok?

1. Awake again, more sleepless than before. Very little clue as to why I am not sleeping. I am not remembering dreams but I felt the beginning of the night was “dark”.  I have been trying to look at myself from the vantage point of no identities although I know that was not the case but I am seeing something different than I described yesterday. If anything, I have been to hard on the group I described yesterday. I have been a rebel and I am still rebelling today. I found my own moral compass and have lived my life pretty strickly by those rules. The conflict, that it seems I am discovering, might be come from the causes of my rebellion. Is it that voice that is speaking to me? Am I rebelling against myself?

Who is Not Sleeping? (#134)

10. F. End of day. Will I sleep tonight? Is this what has been lurking for two weeks or is this a side show?

9. F. Am I still asking “Who am I?” I will know better tomorrow

8. F. I am remembering I still have much work to do including imagining seeing without my identities. I think I may see nature without identities and ask myself what about seeing other people. Without identities I would see them as they are and not how I relate to them or them to me. That leads to some thoughts. My identity that I just recognized affects seeing and mostly seeing of myself. It is a judgmental identity. At this time there still is something I do not understand.

7. F. Now what? Maybe that has to wait for another day

6. F. There is so much to this new identity but it does not seem to have affected in me life as much as it could have but in others it has been important.

5. I have asked the question “Who am I”. Pema added the question “Who is asking who I am?”. I know the answer to both questions and it is so deeply personal I can’t talk about it now. I wonder if dreams have a way of softening things so they can be talked about. I once belonged to a tribal group. The group is obsolete and it no longer exists as a group. Few individuals are even alive now. At times I have bemoaned the breakup of the group. Today I realized that I had rejected the group a long time ago for various reasons including politics and religion but I also had a different philosophy. But the group has a tug on me and I never joined a different group. My ties to the group had cast doubt on other groups. In some sense it was a matter of trust; the parts of me that were tied to the group distrusted other groups. Most of the time I forget these ties and the tensions they create. It is a huge identity for me and right now I do not see how I am going to deal with it. I see that this is an issue with the RL self because it has not always hindered me. My inner self could function well. That in itself is information on my previous big identity because I see now, I sometimes was not hindered by that either.  When my “self” was not filtering, I could sense the spiritual in music and in nature. Now that I think about it, I don’t know “Who am I?” but I know a bit more what I am not. Now what?

4. I am beginning to notice how often the Gods/gods of the current major world religions have replaced earlier gods who became obsolete. Often it required a mighty struggle to defeat the earlier gods. In some cases it was associated with the conquering of peoples by another people who did it in the name of their god/God. Is this somehow a metaphor for our own spiritual life?

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Another fine rainy day to be alive on this beautiful earth. I am looking forward to a walk in the rain.

1. I was feeling very peaceful when I went to sleep last night but I ended up agitated during the night and, continuing what has become a two week pattern, I woke up and was a wake for a few hours in the middle of the night. The one dream I can remember: I was part of a the planning committee for a reenactment of pioneers moving westward. I was driving a covered wagon pulled by two oxen, dressed in nineteenth century garb, with a family on board. Everything was going well but someone kept changing the route and finally I was sitting in a traffic jam in a city removed from the route. Hmmm, I remember more than I thought. The situation seems to be touching on a number of conflicts I am feeling. One at work is real but the others all are dealing with the question “Who am I”. I am no longer sure what I am professionally; the work situation is in transition. I am not sure what I am as a real life person. And since much of this is playing out in Second Life, I am having conflicting thoughts about my avatar selves too. Pema wanted to talk to me about this question yesterday and I did not give him the chance. If, on the other, hand, the conflict is about the work situation, then the solution might be to work myself out of it.

Christ as Avatar of God? (#133)

13. F. I am a wake some hours later and do not remember any of my dreaming.

12. F. I just spent about 15 minutes reflecting and wordpress lost it again. We are so used to software saving our stuff. This is like the 1980s all over again. Can I do it again?

It is the end of the day. I spent almost the whole evening in conversations in RL and SL, some of it about avatars. Today Pema talked to me about seeing as if all identities and attachments were lifted. How would I see? Sort of an enlightened being seeing. I know I still have identities..I can feel them sometimes clouding things. While Pema was talking I was looking out the window at the reflection of a red brick walk against the underside of a concrete walkway; the concrete was pink on the underside. That image will remind me of the invitation to try to see what the world would look like if I could see clearly.

I feel some connection to Being tonight for the first time in about a week. It is comforting, almost like being tenderly held. What dreams might I have tonight. Time to find out. Good night world. The earth is dark on this half.

11. F. pause

10. F. pause. I need to mention that Stim and Pema told me today that avatar is Sanskrit for manifestation of a god.

9. F. Filling conversation pauses with something new. Much like Doug’s idea to think that one has time instead of one is busy. How to replace the I negative phrases in conversation. “I feel great”. “I am so happy today” “Isn’t this a beautiful day?….OK except for the three feet of snow and the hail and the wind…and the dogs barking”

8. How many pairs of sunglasses will I have to remove until I see clearly?

7. F. Back from a metaphorical Mecca . I am finding it interesting at this moment that it doesn’t take much to revert back to where one once was, but, on the other hand, it doesn’t take much to bounce back to a feeling of connection.

6. F. Stop for a few moments to refocus

5. F. All this avatar stuff is a bit of a distraction

4. F. Is it necessary to identify with our avatar? Is it necessary to love our avatar? Does that have anything to do with love of ourselves? If the avatar has some kind of mission, then isn;t a good thing to wear that avatar lightly. In doing so we learn to wear our own skins lightly.

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Another day to be alive and limp through the world looking for new adventures. The first part is enough

1. Yesterday I explored the possible comparisons between the role of Moses to his people viz. Adams and ***. I spent a few minutes reading some of the account of Joshua last night and two things had struck me then: Moses died before Joshua became leader and the relationships with God was similar for Moses and Joshua but the tasks were different. Thinking about Joshua this morning I realized that Joshua was the military leader but got all his strategy and timing from God, through the “Captain of the Lord’s Army”. I began to think of Joshua as a translator and then it hit me. Both Moses and Joshua have the role of “spirit guides” Ahhh, familiar ground then.

I also partially read briefly this morning a brief (i.e. dumbed down) synopsis of Krishna’s life in which he battles a swan which is an “avatar” of the demon. My source was written long before Second Life was a thought. Is avatar a Hindu concept or is this a coincidence? The point here is that the avatar is a creation to do a specific task possibly in a different place or world.

Then the thought struck me that Christ was sent to a different world for a specific task (i.e. the saving of mankind). Was Christ an avatar of God? The concept of the Trinity might suggest such a connection, eh? This is kind of an “ouch” moment falling somewhere between an important observation, on the one hand, and irrelevant heresy, on the other. I’ll leave that thought for another time.

Moses (#132)

14. F. pause

13. F. pause

12. F. pause

11. F. Feel nothing when I pause

10. F. pause. pushing myself today

9. F. Hmmm. More chaos. I remind myself that none of this is important; the chaos is illusion

8. F. A few minor crises attended to and I am a bit off course; feel a touch of anxiety.

7. F. Another copying break.

6. F. an unexpected moment to reflect while files copying. Who am I as I try to expand my thinking to include new situations of my own creation

5. F. pause

4. F. Although there is some literature on the experience with avatars in the virtual world, a certain amount of this is new ground. Very little in moving with a group to real life

3. Gr. Yessss!

2. TGT. Another day to be alive on this beautiful planet and I can’t wait to get to work this morning

*************

1. Z-self had summoned me and so I grabbed my keyboard and rushed to *** Headquarters. Adams was already there.

Z-Self: Please sit down, ***. I have had some thoughts that I want to share with you both. I have been thinking of Moses as a metaphor for Adams
***: Haha, that’s funny
Adams Rubble: Shhhhhh ***. Let Z-Self talk
Z-Self: At a certain point it became time for Moses to relinquish his leadership. The story is contrived to be a flash of temper but there is a metaphor there too. It is unfair, of course, because the fault was with the people who set up the idols. But when Moses took it on himself to express the anger that should have come from God, I expect he lost the ability to lead in the crises to come. It also was a punishment to the people that they lost Moses and were delayed themselves
Adams Rubble: Have I done something wrong?
Z-Self: No Adams, of course not. But the “people” are a metaphor for ***. There may be a certain point when you cease to speak effectively to ***. Think of the promised land as real life. A Joshua may be more effictive in bridging the lessons of PaB into real life. But your role was the hardest and for that you are the greater. It was Moses who walked and talked with God and who we revere the most today
Adams Rubble: Joshua got a Book named after him
Z-Self: Haha. That little bit of vanity demonstrates your own “self”. Look up at the top of the page. Tell Adams about art, ***
***: Yes, it is Moses who appears in all the paintings and on the walls of Gothic cathedrals. The story of the burning bush and the ten commandments are major themes in religion too. Look at the St. Catherine Monastery at Mt. Sinai. It is those events which are revered.
Adams Rubble: hehe. OK
Z-Self: Adams, you have helped us identify and/or circumvent a great number of identities and attachments simply by being you. You have walked and talked with God and helped *** make those connections
***: yes, you have corrected some of my distorted views and allowed me to remove myself from Z-self’s way more often. So you think I need a Joshua to go the rest of the way
Z-Self: I am not sure yet. Joshua may provide more of a comfort zone. I am not sure if that helps or hurts you in the long run. It may be better to keep you uncomfortable
***: Great! Thanks!
Z-Self: I expect we need to experiment further with this
***: I am not remembering much about Joshua other than he was mighty in battle and either he blew, or ordered blown, the horn to bring down the walls of Jericho
Z-Self: We need to read up on that and consider his role and whether there might be a metaphor that fits
***: and we must prepare Joshua for his role?
Adams Rubble: What happens to me?
Z-Self: Even after Moses learned he was not to lead the people further, he continued to lead them for a time. The people had to remain in the desert for that time though while they waited for Moses to die
Adams Rubble: I have always worn myself lightly (well almost always)
Z-Self: Don;t worry, you will always be an important adviser to us, and a reminder to *** and I not to forget the lessons you have taught us
Adams Rubble: Hmmmm, Joshua….a mighty warrior? I can’t wait to see him in that role
Z-Self: Haha. Get to work you guys
***: OK boss.

(#131)

12. F. pause in work

[long break]

11. pause. Whew, almost done here for the day

10. F. pause

9. F. pause. good to stop. Maybe too few today

8. F. Thinking of Piet’s article as I catalog prints of japanese teahouses

7. F. I have been working with some anger today which gave me an edge and helped me get a good deal done but I just snapped at someone and it is time to let it go. It is rare that PaB is the cause…but once in a while .

6. F. Not stopping regularly today as I try to launch the new project

5. F. A good productive morning thus far. Good to stop

4. F. Feeling very much a part of my surroundings

3. Gr.

2. TGT. Another day to be alive.

1. For a while it seems most of my dreams involve the PaB group. I am not remembering the specifiics but I seem to be conversing away all night. That may change as I engulf myself in a work project.

Fael last night discussed with me being able to love one’s self. If we love Being and we are Being, then it follows.