Nothing is Permanent (#99)

5. F. Quiet descends upon the neighborhood.

4. F. No Thoughts. I walked home tonight and I am a bit surprised to find that everything looks different to me now, more beautiful.

3. Walk. On the whole my mind was incredibly quiet today unless stimulated. Walking along a path along side the river across from the city. Smells are very vivid, the dominating one being a semi-sweet smell that is familiar but I can’t place it. I later realize the breeze is blowing across the marsh toward me. The sky is again a deep blue with big fluffy clouds. I am conscious of being open to outer space, the cosmos. It the earth wasn’t spinning, my body would float away. Would my body stay together and just float for light years or would it just disintegrate into the atoms and they would float away in a cloud, or disperse like seeds from a dandelion?

I cross a bridge over an opening to a cove that is wetlands. The tide is moving out very gently. The bridge goes nowhere (Hmmm. sound familiar?). At the end is a steps down into the marsh with a pile of wood and plant debris; it is unappealing. There are no paths from the pile, it is all closed in by trees, bushes and vines. Of course there is a wonderful view of the wetlands from the bridge. I sit for a while and write some note and have a drink. When I get up and turn around, there are three egrets in the water; a monarch butterfly floats by and then is gone, leaving me looking at the egrets and they eyeing me warily. I think this is the appearance of being and think about the note Pema wrote about the atoms and how they are rearrranged to make the various elements. The atoms are atoms. The way they are arranged is appearance. Hmmm. Thinks seems less permanent when one thinks that way. So much of what we see is transitory.

I continue to walk along the river. For some reason, this part of the shore is covered with stones rather than the loomy soil of most of this stretch. I start to get very melancholy looking at the stones. I think about geologic forces lifting rock and crushing it. I feel I was there then suddnly, I realize it is something different. Many of the rocks have fossil-like scars which are very dark–blackish against the whitish surface. This has appeared to me on some level as a Byzantine ossuary where the skulls are piled up. Death is making me melacholy. I feel death looking over my shoulder like a northern Renaissance painting, drawing or print. Nothing is permanent. Seems to be the theme of the day. Then I snap out of the melancholy and enjoy the rest of the walk hearing the birds and crickets, enjoying the many appearances of Being.

2. Gr. It’s enough to be Saturday

1. TGT. Alive again for another adventure in witnessing on this planet which also is alive for another day

**************

Last night I was still dreaming about SL, PaB and Adams. I was in some conversations as a RL person and observed an unfortunate, involuntary facial expression that I have. There seemed to be a certain amount of turmoil over the night. It may be I am taking on my functioning in RL groups and interpersonal relationships. Why do I feel that this is only the beginning.

Suppressing Adams (#98)

15. F. Help me to see what I am not seeing. Hmmmm. There is something I am missing. I believe I have found my inner self. I know there are still many clouds but I can often clear them. I have not made the connection to other beings, i.e. that I am Being and they are Being. Help me to see the Being in others that inspires compassion. Is it simply a matter of exercising the compassion like I exercise to see thoguths and actions? Time for sleep.

14. F. pause.

[long pause here]

13. F. pause. Good working day

12. F. pause. NN

11. F. pause. NN

10. F. pause allowing music to caress me

9. F. pause. NN

8. BrM. Hmmm. no thoughts. What is my “self” doing during this time?

7. F. no thoughts. Note that Adams is changing the way I look at art and history

6. pause. feeling good

5. pause. almost done first task

4. pause

3. F. Pause before digging into work. I have always know that tiredness affects my performance and that has been in evidence this week. But I am well rested this morning and there is a task I must tackle head on this morning. I would roll up my sleeves but notice I am earing a short sleeved shirt.

2. Gr. Add the blog to the list. It has been good for me

1. TGT. Alive again, a tiny speck on this little planet in a far corner of the Milky Way galaxy somewhere in the expanding universe

**********

Last night I found myself dreaming about work and Adams the avatar. The work dream was perplexing. It involved a big, very, very long hallway/plaza type of space that was uncomfortably large especially in height. I had been in this space sometime before while it was being built and found it uncomfortable then. I don’t think I have been in such a space in real life so it must be an SL reference. The dream mixed up my role on a building committee over 15 years ago with the demise of slide projectors and graduate students’ space. the area of the hallway where I met graduate students was much like one in my high school. What is my mind doing? This looks like an unloading of random images.

The avatar dreams may come from a conversation with Gaya in which she said she saw different aspects of me in my different avatar characters. I was inclined to dismiss it and saw myself naturally merging with the Adams character as my “self” played a less of a role. In fact last night most of my thoughts about Adams were about what to do. But I had allowed the character a little more free rein and yesterday saw some a difference in the way I viewed some things at work. I hadn’t really taken note of it yesterday but it had an edge to it. The other thing I am noticing is that I have merged more with Adams, her role as a “spirit guide” has decreased. I thought that was because the role was completed. This needs more experimentation.

I thought this whole process would be simpler. I thought I would find my inner self and everything would fall into place from there. Instead I have found more attachments and identities, some of them in places where it is difficult to observe them. My “self” seems to be as strong as ever although it easier for me to see what it is doing.

Thoughts are on Vacation (#97)

18. after ZRM. I am falling asleep quickly. Very little thought while at ZRM. Nisaragadatta says that even a small desire can start a long line of action. I think of my desire to learn more about Buddhism that brought me to the Zen Retreat where I found the PaB group. Nisaragadatta also mentions good desires and bad desires. Usually when we think of desire we think of bad ones. I wonder if I will have any dreams I remember tonight.  Help me to see what I am not seeing.

17. F. Looking over old logs, being reminded of what a ride this has been

16. F. Thinking about today – not my best of days but I am a bit tired out. It is hard to react well when tired and cranky. Things begin to look bad.

15. F. Hmmm. Still no thoughts

[long break here]

14. F. Pause. No thoughts

13. F. Pause. No thoughts

12. BrM. Mind at rest

11. F. pause. my mind seems to be on edge. There may be something I am itching to think about

10. F. Pause. No thoughts but I feel a little turmoil around the edges

9. F. Pause. No thoughts. Workflow purring along now

8. F. Pause. No thoughts

7. F. Pause. No thoughts

6. F. Pause. No thoughts

5. F. I stop and close my eyes and the thoughts seem to fade out toward the bottom and I am left with a black screen. I am conscious of the music playing. If I think about it, I can concentrate on the music. If I stay like that longer, thoughts seem to be flashing here and there around the black screen but never become clear enough to see them. Are they thoughts or just lights? I could go to sleep

4. BrM. I think it was Nisaragadatta who said that we die with one last exhale. I am alive then because I am still inhaling

3. F. Sometimes when I stop the mind just seems to go dead

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Another day to be alive and try to learn to better appreciate the presence of Being

*********

One one stays in the same job for years, annual patterns begin to emerge, and yet often we have forgotten, and are surprised at some. Here I am through the first initial organization and training time and I am looking to letup a bit. However, once again I forgot about the readjustment due to changing people, people not able to do the jobs they were trained for and changing schedules. All the carefully put together plan now needs a major readjustment which will take at least two more weeks. Hmmm. If I had had a blog earlier this all would be clear.

Remembering to Watch (#96)

11. End of day. I close my eyes and start to drift off but I want to close things out tonight. Start to drift again. What have I learned? I have learned that my “self” has been a bit compartmentalized but is thriving.  Just too tired to do this. Help me to see what I don’t see. Help me know transitory thing from what is permanent.

10. ZRM. Didn’t have many thoughts tonight. Card talked about watching ourselves.

9. F. Remembering to watch thoughts and actions. It is hard to remember all of the time.

8. F. pause

7. F. NN.

6. F. pause. I am alive

5. F. pause. feeling a bit overwhelmed this morning. Who am I?

4. F. needed pause

3. F. pause. big sigh

2. Gr. If I think a little, there always is something new to add to the growing list

1. TGT. Here I am world for another day to witness the appearance of Being, and if I am lucky, to learn something new about myself and maybe shed a thing or two

*********

Looking back over past logs I am in awe of the patience and kindness with which I was treated when I was asking rather simple and ignorant questions. Often the questions are treated as if they are the most important question in the world. Of course, at the time they were for me. It was in a way a group embrace. Then too there was gentle prodding so that I would always know there was more.

Running Late (#95)

12. ZRM. The notecard tonight suggested we ask “What is it?” from our belly not our mind.

11. F. So there is more to subtract

10. F. pause. Thoughts churning. Tonight I felt the apprehension of facing the latest recognition of a huge “self” issue. I am somewhat fascinated with how this all has unfolded and how, at various times, I thought “now I understand” and yet I keep finding there is more.

[long break here]

9. F. pause from another hectic moment. Feeling nothing but maybe relief. I notice my mini-Buddha and mini-Ganesh are either askew or have turned away from me .

8. F. NN

7. F. NN

6. F. NN

5. F. A series of crises and now a pause

4. F. pause

3. F. pause.

2. Gr. In thinking about the things for which I am grateful, I realize that how I see clearly when identities and attachments are not clouding things over

1. TGT. I went through a good part of the day without remembering that it is enough to just be alive

* * * * * *

I often get a late start on weekends because I am doing other things. This morning I seem to be just a few steps behind everyone else. The funny thing is that I do not seem to be concerned.

One of the places where “self” can continue to thrive is in our relationships with those who are the nearest and most dearest to us. It is here that our expectations and desires get the best of us. It seems to happen between parents and children as well as with life partners. I wonder if this is an area where “self” might put up the biggest resistance to being tamed.

Who’s Typing (#94)

10. BS. Oxygen being released from trees absorbing carbon from carbon dioxide. Oxygen entering being and being exhaled as carbon dioxide. Plants rising from the earth, Consumed by beings. Beings releasing back into the earth. Cycles. Interconnection. All things connected.

9. ZRM. There is much to remember from the three months. During meditation the two visions come to mind especially the second. Much of the time there seemed be no thoughts at all.

8. F. In between stops I remember that over the weekend I found that what I have learned so far in  PaB is strong under my feet. It is OK that a layer of dirt is covering it during the week. Secondly I remember that Nisargadatta talks about not worrying about the world. One must save oneself. Lastly I remember talk of doing nothing. That things will come on their own.

7. F. It appears no one is typing today with only seven entries. Limke last week my mind seems to be going dead.

6. F. no thoughts

[long gap here]

5. F. Not doing well with pausing today. Other issues are on my mind today. Do I have my selfs too fragmented?

4. F. Watching myself go through the motions, mostly training this morning. Drawing from memory mostly. No time to analyze thoughts/actions.

3. Pause. It has been busy and I had neither time to stop nor did I remember anything I recently learned but applied myself to the tasks. hmmm

2. Gr. The reasons for gratitude seem to be plentiful this morning

1. TGT. Another windy, beautiful day in which to be alive and witness the appearances of my home planet

* * * * * * *

I had finished my morning routine and sat down in front of my computer all ready to get to work when I heard a small voice. Could it be? I looked around, and on my desk, behind some clutter, towering slightly over my mini-Buddha and mini-Ganesh was Adams.

Adams Rubble: Hi. Nice digs you have here but don’t you ever clean your desk?
***: Ah Adams. How did you get here?
Adams Rubble: You know they put the old campus on Second Life and you left a landmark in my inventory so it was fairly easy to find you
***: You crossed the street!!?!
Adams Rubble: Are you out of your mind? I would be road kill…flat as a pancake after it had been stepped on. No no. I slipped out of your computer while you were out of the office getting things ready
***: Well it is good to see you. Why the visit. I don’t have much time this morning
Adams Rubble: I know. I won’t keep you long. You did well last night getting over the Sunday night anxiety attack
***: Yes, it was surprising. Once I began to pretend it was Saturday night, it became clear how insignificant was the trigger for the anxiety. I slept well
Adams Rubble: Well good. I came because I thought you might be feeling down now that you are becoming detached and watched just like me
***: That is good of you. You have experience with that
Adams Rubble: Yes, I am subject to your whims and now you will be more and more subject to Z-self’s experiments
***: You know I feel strangely more free. I know no longer feel I have responsibility for everything.
Adams Rubble: It must have been very stressful for you to feel the weight of all the responsibility
***: Well, like last night. Feeling anxiety about what will happen next? feeling guilty that I did not perform up to expectations, I was letting down the team, what would people think? was there enough time to do everything? would I be able to get a good night’s sleep so I could be fresh in the morning? It goes on and on.
Adams Rubble: Well I wanted you to know we all love you just as much as before, maybe more so
***: Thanks Adams. You have lots of avatar friends
Adams Rubble: And you have “RL self” friends who are all worried about the same things as you. Now that you better understand yourself, you can relate better to their struggles and anxieties
***: Hmmm. That is an interesting thought. “RL self” friends!
A: So this is where you have been honing your “facade”
***: One of the places
Adams Rubble: When and where did you decide you were not good in groups?
***: Interesting question Adams. I guess it was when I began to realize I did not know as much as I thought I did. That may have been in college. Maybe I was afraid everyone else would find out. Hmm. I wonder if I am just trying to hide my ignorance from everyone. It is the same time that I accepted that had lost my belief in God too. There was a deep despair that came along with that. It was then that i thought I would have to do everything myself. Well Z-self can deal with that one now
Adams Rubble: Isn’t it nice? What a load of responsibility being lifted off your shoulders every time something is subtracted. No worries! You and I are a bit like a computer monitor. All of the thinking goes on in the computer box with a….., hmmm, yes Mother Bored or processor or something like that. You and I just appear on the monitor dancing our way through life
***: Or dragging ourselves along slowly
Adams Rubble: Don’t be a Puddleglum. I have one question for you
***: Yes?
Adams Rubble: Who’s typing this, you or Z-self?
***: Egads! What a question! Yes, there is a physical being….that is Being. Who is talking and acting through that body?
Adams Rubble: In my case, sometimes you let me talk and sometimes you take over. Are you doing that we Z-self too? Does Z-self act through the body and then you just but in and take over?
***: Are you suggesting that I am a rude, selfish oaf?
Adams Rubble: If the shoe fits…
***: For a cute little avatar, you can get pretty rough you know
Adams Rubble I do not have all the answers. I am only an avatar as you point out. I do not pretend to be you except when you take over and talk through me. I think you need to consider the question. You are watching actions. Actions are done by the physical person
***: Yes you are right. So what makes the physical person do things? Is it in response to thoughts
Adams Rubble: or anxieties, fears, misinformation, misconceptions, memory?
***: Thanks. I have to cut this short now
Adams Rubble: Sorry, I stayed a little longer than I had planned. Keep watching those thoughts and actions. bye
***: Bye Adams. Hmmm. Who is typing this? On my!

Dreaming away the surface dirt (#93)

9. F. Help me to see what I am not seeing. Help me to continue to subtract what I do not need. If and when it comes back, help to subtract it again.

8. ZRM. I reflect a bit on what I “saw” in #7. Somehow it seems wrong to me. It is focused on large scale materialistic things. But on the other hand it is seeing realistically. These things to are transitory too. But then the change-in-progress is what I am seeing. The transitory nature of the materialistic world. Clothing styles change. Transpotation styles change. All these things continue to change even when I am gone. Other beings will witness those change. Hmmm. It is Being which does not change. Like the sunset I saw tonight. There will never be one just like it but there will others similar.

7. YSBS. [YS] I am beginning to notice projects for roads and bridges that will be finished when I am probably no longer driving. When I die, the town is going to continue to grow, the house will shelter people, maybe a new family. Trees that we planted will grow tall. [BS] Being does not see the insignificant human being any differently than it did any other day. The earth revolves, darkness covers part of the globe, weather systems rush across the surface, interacting with each other and with cold and hot spots on the earth, cities are flattened by natural events, humans and other beings bask in warm sunshine in other areas.

6. Gr. I think how grateful I am that my knee is healing so quickly. One week ago I was much more limited.

5. F. I pause and take a deep breath. It is Sunday night and my anxiety has been running on high as I gathered up my things from Friday. I had ridden the bike twice through the rain and was soaked through then. Also I was a little down from the way a meeting had gone. My biking things were hung all over the cellar. Over the weekend I had seen it all clearly and had been feeling refreshed. All of the sudden I am surrounded by dark clouds. I pretend it is Saturday night and it all clears, just like that. My sun is shining on me again. Then the clouds drift back. Thoughts coming from memory. Anxiety the result of the thoughts. Memories of past Sunday night anxiety also are there. I pull the Saturday night thing again and the clearing is briefer; my “self” is on to me. But the Sunday night anxiety is a little less when it comes back.

4. F. Went outside, thinking it was dark, and walked down to corner to exercise my knee. When I turned around the whole western sky was a bright orange-red. Wow! A glorious appearance of Being.

3. F. No thoughts, just a pause. Unusual for a weekend

2. Gr. I just came back from biking along the river which was at rest at high tide with wisps of fog hanging over the water. Also I am grateful PaB is there so strong for me (see opening statement)

1. TGT. Another wonderful hot, humid day to be alive as a witness on mother earth. Hey it’s a hard job but someone has to do it (hehe)

* * * * * *

An important dream this morning but not all that interesting in imagery. I was walking along a dirt road with a fellow human that seemed to be a bit of a spiritual adviser by the way I was talking. Other than nodding or affirming, the fellow being said nothing. “One can’t go by ***, <***> is just going with the flow” was one of my lines I remember. In other words *** is not a barameter). The second has more imagery. Kicking the earth with my feet, I noted that although I seemed to drift away this week, PaB has always been there right under the surface. I just needed to kick away a little of the dirt.

Last night at the 7 pm PaB session, there was some discussion of actions following thoughts. I realized then that while I have watched thoughts, I have never watched actions. Hmmm. I had a very good example with events this week. I failed a self-imposd test this week by not bringing any of what I learned into my ability to function in a group meeting in RL. I worked very hard to get in to the proper frame of mind before the meeting and think of Being and the transitory nature of the events. It worked on one level; I was focused on the issues. But I am lacking meeting skills; I was with people who have been attending these types of meetings for years and they were smoooth. In RL there are social nicities being used to make people comfortable. So RL meetings are for more than ideas, they serve a social function as well. So my unskilled “self”, ***, was working with what was available which was imperfect. Now I have to decide whether at this late date, I should work on my skills or just avoid these kinds of meetings.

The second part of the dream refers to my fears going into Septmber that I would lose all of what I had learned about myself in three months and revert to the old self. I have had some bumps and bruises the past two weeks and often have wondered whether it was still there. Often I could not see it. But just kick the dirt a litle and there it is as strong as ever. Having written that, I am sitting here much moved with gratitude. Out of the first two weeks of the semester, I have learned two important new things about myself.

Out in the Woods Again (#92)

4. F. Tonight at PaB the idea of watching actions as well as thoughts came up. Help me to see what I am not seeing.

3. F. When Pema read my dream about Carl Sagan last week, and “the infinite number of possibilities” he wrote to me reminding me that atoms are made from the same protons, neutrons and electrons but the configuration makes so much difference. I appreciated the importance of this to him and it was something I had thought about previously. But that thought did not ring any bells as to why Carl Sagan would be in my dream. But I do appreciate that this thought is related to Being and our being part of Being and Being being part us.

2. Gr. It’s a weekend to add to the usual list

1. TGT. It has been another day to be alive on this beautiful planet

*     *     *     *     *     *     *

It was my first day walking in the woods since the operation. I know because negative thoughts were crowding out seeing again as they were on that last walk almost a month ago. This time I am more aware of their coming and going and am able to let them pass, sometimes with a new one popping up as soon as the old one faded away. I tried to observe more of their coming and going but couldn’t do it. But it was beautiful there today, especially the golden light through the wet green leaves. It had rained most of yesterday and late into the night so everything was wet.

Going into September, I knew it would be a difficult period and I had thought it would be a test for me. So I should not be surprised that I am finding it difficult. I am still wondering too about the Carl Sagan appearance in my dream. Is it simply a reminder that I had looked at the cosmos through scientific eyes at an earlier time in life? Or is the clue my rephrasing to be “infinite number of possibilities”. For me?

Not Just Another Day (#91)

12. F. Help me to see whatever I am not seeing. Help me to remember what is transitory. Help me learn to be more compasionate

11. F. Difficult meeting for me although I set up someone else to get the message through. Why can’t I do this meeting thing?

[bit of a pause to ride my bike in the rain and be soaked through]

10. One more pause and I am off

9. F. I am a witness. I am a witness. I am a witness. I get to watch myself and others

8. F. I am finding myself self-evaluating the past two weeks from standpoint of looking from outside myself.

7. F. Looking from outside myself (not quite from Being), failure today will affect me temporarily and might shorten my tenure in the job. It will affect other people for some years to come. It is those people who I must think about today. This is a test for me.

6. F. pause

5. F. Pause. Help me to remember what is real and what is transitory.

4. F. Pondering a bit about the appearances of the virtual world vs. the one I am living in, the real world? The snow, the open church all experienced, although the idea of the church open to the freezing weather outside is impossible. Yet I feel I was there.

3. F. I stepped into Second Life and Adams is sitting on a bench outside a church surrounded by snow-covered pine trees. The walks have been shoveled but there is a light snow falling. There is a view inside the church. The three main arches are open. There is a Christ with his hands bound above and a Last Supper below. Snowflakes are falling in front. She goes into the church. An Annunciation is below the Last Supper, at eye level in the church. Mary being told she is giving up herself completely to God. No choice, no decision to make, no chance to refuse, just acceptance of the Holy Spirit, the consequences, and the task before her. With just a slight bit of imagination I am there in the church too, standing behind Adams, with my Gretchaninov CD choir filling the space with sound. A very peaceful way to start the day.

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Another day of life on this beautiful planet.

* * * * * * *

I need strength today. Ah, advantage of keeping a blog. I forgot the next part that I had remembered earlier this morning and li was able to lift it from an earlier log. Help me understand and then remember what is transitory and what is real. That is the key for me today. Help me to see the God/Being in others.

I Am a Witness (#90)

12. F. pause

11. F. Hmmm. Not able to do a Being Seeing exercise. I start to watch my bran but fall asleep until he back of my head bangs into the wall (twice to wake me up)

[long break here]

10. F. Continuing with #9, when I am working hard, I forget that I would rather be going home right now

9. F. Remembering the other statement from Nisaragadatta that all desire comes from memory. I wonder if that can be seen if one watches. If so I am constantly remembering the peanuts in my desk drawer. OK, I can see that we are hungry but we remember what there is to eat.

8. F. pause

7. F. Looking forward to seeing the sky, clouds and trees in just another hour

6. F. Pause

5. Pause. Eyes sore; close them and want to sleep. Hmmm. Witnessing sleepiness

4. F. Pause but many thought rattling around in the old head; but I can be a witness to my having thoughts. aha!

3. F. Like the Being Seeing exercise, the Witness mantra focuses attention away from oneself and what one’s “self” thinks is important at the time

2. Gr.

1. TGT. Limping along but it is enough to be alive.

* * * * * *

The next to last thought I had last night was the suggested mantra “I am a witness”. I repeated the phrase silently when I woke up in the middle of the night and became acutely aware of all around me. I repeated it silently again while walking out to put something in the trash and on the way up the driveway and witnessed a beautiful morning cloud formation with golds and reds in the folds around the edges against a deep blue sky. Then the little crab apples on the trees lining the driveway.