Beginning of Recovery (#70)

4. F. Just beginning to think about Being within me. One of those days when I spent most of the day on PaB but very few entries

3. F. Need to get to work on the exercises soon. I see the basic “self” more and more but I am using “I” and “me” yet. Some people seem to get the point where they don’t. Is that the integration with Being? Don’t help God.  Don’t help myself. Just keep seeing. Watch the seeing

2. F. Pause before going to afternoon session to be grateful

1. TGT. I have been up for 8 hours now enjoying an interesting day on this wonderful planet. I had a wonderful conversation with Pema and Fael in virtual Kyoto and then with Fael, later with Cal and Quen, and then Avastu. Each were good conversations in which I discussed my recent experience and received helpful feedback. Last night at the 19:00 session I discussed it with Steve, Adeline and Avastu. It was a little like my early days in PaB. But I am tired; sleeping was a bit difficult last night. I have been late for everything this morning. Too much time on my hands. I should be seeing more now that I am aware of the tricks the mind is capable of playing, hiding things, complicating things, throwing up smokescreens, etc.

Weak Knee’d (#69)

7. I have a new one PS or Pema sees. I was just lying in bed trying to find a way to put my knee and the thought occurred to me that if Pema was reading this so far, he would see my ship slowing down, or my highway vehicle coming to rest on the shoulder. But I did read a little from Maharaj today (see quote below) and as I was lying there I was thinking about Maharaj’s talking about “living life below the threshold of consciousness”. Avastu talks about this. I was thinking that a comparison in Christianity is the simple life. The Irish have a saying “She is a simple woman” or “He is a simple man” which is a complement. Then there are the Shakers (or were the Shakers) “Hands to work and hearts to God”:

Tis a gift to be simple
Tis a gift to be free
Tis a gift to live life the way of ought to be
And when we find ourselves in a place just right
Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

Sects of Quakers and Mennonites and Dunkards and Amish also. All descendants from mystics too. Hmmm. In the 21st century we are so bombared by hidden (and not hidden) commercialism. The other morning in a PaB session (Friday 0700) we were discussing what we can do, or should do, as individuals for people who have been abused. One thing that is easy to do is to stop some of the commercial abuse is to live simpler lives and set an example for others. “Want what you have and do care about the rest”. Hmmm. Off on a rant to get the engine reved and to shake up the enginner on the ship. Apply all that to me. Start the exercies; full speed ahead. Help me to see what I do not see.

6. F. Yes weak knee’d tonight. Hard to get comfortable with computer. Hoping things will be better tomorrow.

5. F. Lying here going through change as pain killer begins to wear off wondering what will be the next part of this adventure. This came at a good time when I’m riding such a high from my insight. Feeling lots of love for everyone. Is that the painkiller, the kick from the insight or a bit of oneness with Being? I hope to do a little reading the next few days. I’m not too busy [thanks Doug ]

4. Yesterday Pema told me to go play in traffic (hehe Pema). Actually Pema wrote me a warm, wonderful note regarding my insight yesterday and also my metaphor of the superhighway and how how I should continue on the highway and how I should continue to play while Mother God watches and not try to help God. Last night I had images of playing in the dirt at the farm and my grandfather walking past looking kindly at what we were doing but saying little. In regard to the Mother God I don’t know that I want to help her but I have lots of questions for her. Why have I been so blind to some things? What am I still not seeing? When will I see everything I need to see to understand, to know? In response I hear “Shhhhh, it’s OK, just go to sleep”.

3. I have been lying on my back for some time in sort of a wakeful dream due to severe nausea from a synthetic morphine. I had been craving a big stack of pancakes before being asked whether anything hurt and I mentioned the place where they had put a tourniquet. End of craving. In any case I have jhad an awareness experience lying here. I have been listening to Gretchaninov’s, Liturgia Domestica, which  I mentioned a day or two ago. I realized then there were similarities to the Opera Boris Gudinov thereby assuming that Rimsky-Korsakov must have done more than orchestrate the opera. But I was working while listening. The working was like a cloud, like an attachment covering the my hearing of the music. Lying here completely absorbed in the music, it is the instrumentalism that is similar to the opera. Russian liturgical music rarely has instruments so I was missing it. It made me think of Stevenaia’s description of rising from the water and seeing clearly and knowing it was Being.

2. From Maharaj: Want what you have and do not care about what you do not have

1. TGT. Another day for a new adventure which I am a little uncertain about early this morning. Many things for which to be grateful. I am ready

*     *     *     *     *     *

I was conscious that I was dreaming continually for the first half of the night but unaware of the content. I was sitting in a circle with PaB folks discussing a wide range of subjects. It was dark and there was a campfire burning. At least once my viewpoint was through the bushes so I could not see the whole group. The name of a civic-minded group, to which I used to belong, was mentioned at one point (to my surprise); I still do not see the connection. I know I had many thoughts of my grandfather, memories, but I don’t know if they were part of the dreams or not. The talks were quiet and, as far as I can tell, I was not struggling with issues. I feel peaceful this morning.

PaB Superhighway (#68)

10. ZRM. I must be careful not to take wrong lesson from my insight. It uncovered an “identity” which was limiting me, blinding me to my potential. It would be counter-productive to add a new “identity” to replace it. The ultimate goal is to be more understanding, more compassionate, to relate better with my fellow beings within Being.

9. F. I remember when I had my visions being told to enjoy them but not dwell on them, that there would new, but better experiences. I couldn’t imagine but I believed it. I think this is in that category because it can be a key to open up more closed doors.

8. F. On new ground now. Funny how we can put something in a metaphorical box and just never revisit it. I seem to remember some time back thinking about sitting in a room with many boxes around me. But at that time, I think I was opening the boxes and then putting them back. That thought dealt with memories, probably thinking of memories I may have kept secret except to myself. This is something very different. It was a case of making a judgment and not only never revisiting it, but not realizing a judgment had been made. But for almost 3/4 of one’s life!!!

7. F. What new adventures await? What am I still not seeing? I can’t even begin to imagine after today.

[long break here. I find I am a bit exhausted this evening and am still having aftershocks from my little personal earthquake. Other unrelated things are happening too]

6. F. There always is another view and there is one to #5 below. In the ideal scenario we are strong enough to strike out on our own and find our own way. How odd though, that after thinking I was doing this, to see I did not need to. Am I only able to see backwards? What else am I not seeing?

5. F. It is interesting that one can take a wrong turn (forgetting something important) in life while making a mostly good decision. Life is complicated, isn’t it. In this case it was not appreciating someone’s spirituality because one was uncomfortable with their religious choice. We can be so easily threatened. Of course so much harm is done in the name of religion, and because of religion, that it can make us wary.

4. F. My insight seems to be giving me more freedom. In the 20c world, it is so hard to connect with those who have gone before us. In Sunday’s night session there was talk about the connection between the moment and eternity. I feel that this morning

3. F. pause. Good to break from work

2. F. pause now from work but newly developing thoughts are festering beneath the surface. Who would have thought that in gathering our role models we might ignore obvious people in our lives. Also that one might use role models to limit rather than expand ourselves. And that such an insight about one’s blindness would come from an exercise looking at the images that are painted when we see. Wow, I remember the question “What am I not seeing?”. “Who knew”. I am left to wondering about how this happened. It wasn’t malicious or intentional, just blindness. How do we leave out someone out who we greatly respected and admired? It doesn’t make much sense. Maybe it will. Who else have I overlooked? [Sorry for anyone reading this..this is very personal. I know now why; I rejected the religious beliefs and overlooked the spirituality. This family member died too soon for me to understand. How wonderful, many years later, to be able to look at this differently]

1. TGT. A little late this morning. Have already enjoyed being alive again for another day for a good number of hours listening to Gretchaninov’s “Liturgia Domestica” which is new to me. There are parts reminiscent of “Boris Gudinov” which makes me wonder if Rimsky-Korsskov did more than orchestrate the opera. Maybe it is just the heritage. One of the things to be grateful is that I am finding I feel a little more freedom to let my feelings explore too.

* * * * * *

I wonder if trying to change avatars in mid quest is a little little like changing speeding vehicles on a highway. There’s a thought. PaB as a superhighway to awareness of being Being. I am imagining signs: “Last exit before “awareness”. “If you were one with Being, you’d be home by now”, “Speed limit one insight every 9 seconds”, “Anger, anxiety, worry, next exit”, “Next exit: Distractions”.

New Week (#67)

9. F. I concentrate very hard tonight and I am able to look around this space and observe without any thoughts being attached. I observe a little longer and thoughts begin to appear as I scan the space, mainly interpreting objects and their uses. Then on the third time around, my eyes stop at a box that had belonged to my father and before him my grandfather and I think about each of them. I wonder if they sometimes found some peace in spiritual matters. I hope they did.

8. YSGS. I am walking through a forest. I see trees reaching upward with a green canopy above, the sun shining though spaces between the leaves. I hear birds singing and a squirrel rustling in the leaves. I hear crickets and cicaydas. On the ground, scattered here and there are green sapplings or small plants. Darkened dead leaved are gathered in depressions, left over from last year. I lift my head and see a beam of light from a space in the trees coming down like a beacon and resting on a small patch of ground. A little spider scampers across the ground. [GS] A blanket of green covers the ground. Through a hole in the leaves a human being is standing looking at a tiny speck crawling across the floor of the forest. Two souls among many. A squrriel and birds also can be seen as well as frogs, toads, turtles, butterflies, moths, flies, mosquitoes and many other creatures all part of Being – all belonging.

[long break here]

7. F. pause

6. F. Hmm. Having a good working day but things “to do” pile seem to have gotten larger while I was not looking.

5. Music is one of the things which can unite us. For some reason the thought seemed profound but sounds lame. Some things are better felt than said

4. Music stops. All is quiet. F. I am alive, sitting here quietly, vaguely connected. With some effort I rouse myself. I am half done… [I tell myself if i work hard I can have some more music]

3. It continues…the music moving me along as i work. I feel a bit as if I on a wave. One part of me is very connected while the other works; I am making great progress now..connected there too

2. The music pauses me. Stopped, I feel uplifted, all of my soul, my heart open, exposed. For a few moments I am. Everything else stripped away.

1. TGT. Another day on this earth. I remember to be grateful and that I have time

* * * * *

Two days to get done a big pile of work. Must concentrate on tasks one at a time

PaBing (#66)

5. F.

4. Walk. Some interesting developments. I was very agitated for 3/4 of the walk. Since this may be my last walk out before the end of summer, I wanted it to be a good one. So when I realized I had gone through 3/4 of the walk I decided this must stop. First I began to think about seeing and the images on the canvas. I was still agitated and I was seeing those thoughts instead of what was around me. So I began Storm’s walking light meditation. Almost immediately, everything got into focus and I began seeing the trees, sky, canal, hearing birds, etc. But then thoughts started creeping in again. I would focus on the light again and it would clear. Then the thoughts started creeping in again. This went on several times. So “self” interferes with seeing. Now I realize that this was happening on the bus to Princeton.

I had one more revelation about “self” today.  First back a step. If we are talking about murdering the past, present and future of “self”, then seeing through “self” seems a bit of a contradiction. In any case I have been thinking along the lines of needing to get rid of “self”. “Self” is offering a compromise proposal. I had known I was thinking of a compromise but today I realized where it was coming from. “Self” is willing to go back in time to that “self” which I have given to Adams. It is one with many fewer attachments and identities. It is a tempting proposal especially with the school year fast approaching and me having so little progress on being more compassionate in real life. Much of my agitation is due to a feeling of some urgency.

3. F. Hmm Maybe “Seeing through” rather than “breaking through” “self”. Too many hammers maybe.

2. F. This morning, listening to some liturgical music, I was thinking how natural it seems to be in a reverential position. Each of the various religions has some form. I like the Eastern gesture of bowing to the God in the other person. I wonder if it feels so natural because, on some level, we innately recognize our place with Being…that we are bowing, or laying prostrate, or simply hands pressed together or folded, to remind us that we are part of Being. If not, we could, couldn’t we. Like the fifteen minutes of PaB remind us to stop, reverence can be another reminder. It can help connect us to Being.

1. TGT. It is such a good feeling to have so many things to be grateful for and to have a new day to enjoy.

*     *     *     *     *

I spent the whole day yesterday PaBing although only a few hours in SL and maybe half the time on the computer. For me PaBing does not necessarily mean the 9 seconds either but continuing the explorations outside the framework. PaB means exploring to me. My main explorations yesterday were in the nature of seeing and what is the “I AM”.

In the seeing area, I have been wondering about my dreams which have helped me see identities and attachments. It is a form of seeing and in the last few months, a seemingly clear form. Where were these dreams coming from? Were they from the “I AM” part of me? We discussed dreams at the 7:00 PaB session last night and it helped me put this in perspective. Dreams are another form of seeing and they are thoughts just like waking thoughts. Therefore it doesn’t matter at all whether this is a sub-conscious; they are OUR dreams. Avastu noted that we look at our dreams just as our other thoguhts. How do we trust our dreams? We can use the same measuring stick as we use for all our thoughts. Are they grounded in reality? So that is part of the I SEE or the YS part of the exercise.

Yesterday I tried out another dialogue and I have a rough understanding of the “I AM” that I did not have before although I can see myself there are parts off the mark. I know I don’t see the whole “I AM” but I am a little closer. Also I can not get there without engaging the part of my brain in RL that I have been developing in my avatar. I thought I was there but I am not. This perplexes me but I have to accept it. I feel a little chasetned by it. I think there is a new measuring stick for that too. When does that part of my brain become actively engaged in RL? I can turn it on and off for SL. How do I learn to turn it on and off in RL? What is it exactly? In immediate answer to my question, it is a step closer to the “I AM”, a little more selfless. It is able to be a little more compasionate, a little more understanding.

Sometimes I get a bit overwhlemed by all the things I am trying to comprehened and work on simultaneously. Yet I do understand that it comes down to simplicity, to understanding “I AM”, to accepting ones place with Being and maybe the way one responds to Being, to having that deep respect for Being that encompasses all the other beings and nature and the universe. I wonder if I am working too hard on the former and not enough on the latter. My goodness, we are Playing at Being.

I am alive therefore I am (#65)

7. PaB session (7 PM) – learned that we are here to watch thoughts while awake and in dreams. It doesn’t much matter where they are coming from. I plan to just enjoy from now on.

6. F. There is an end point. I AM. Being is. I AM within Being. The degree to which I See is reflected in the way I live. The more I understand I AM within Being, the more I respect and serve the rest of Being

5. GS. There is a physical being like other physical beings. The being can see with eyes, hear with ears, touch with body, taste with mouth and smell with nose. These sensations allow the being to make pictures of the surrounding world, of Being itself. That being exists within God and within Being. If it Sees, it can make a connection with God, with Being. [This is not the complete picture. I still have not answered the question about what happens to the pictures that are painted from the seeing?]

4. Voices in the Forest

Today I was at a grasslands/forest area, one of those former farms that are being allowed to go back to nature but preserved for the public. It was another beautiful Saturday with high fluffy clouds floating in a deep sea of blue. The greens of the trees and the grasses were vivid. The grasses were dotted with wildflowers with butterflies flitting from flower to flower. Another group of butterflied huddled around the dampness of a former mud puddle. Numerous frogs hit the water when I approached a little pool in a streamlet that was hardly flowing.

I was thinking of myself within Being when suddenly I began to hear voices. I listened more closely and began to furiously write down what they said, while being careful not to step in a hole or trip over a root.

Adams Rubble: You sent for me?
Z self: Yes. Last week, Pema suggested I consider talking to you. We seem to be having a slight crisis now and we need you back in the game
Adams Rubble: That’s good. I am at wit’s end but ready for action. But this is Pema’s idea? Why isn’t the RL self here with us?
Z Self: Oh, it forgot already. I know you are frazzled right now. But you see better than RL self. That’s why I bypassed RL Self and came directly to you.
Adams Rubble: Who are you?
Z Self: I am Das Leben or Z self as in Vo ist ze Self? Some people call me the inner mind.
Adams Rubble: What do you do?
Z Self: I am the CEO of the the *** corporation.
Adams Rubble: Am I being called on the carpet?
Z Self: No, if anything the Real Life Self should be called on to the carpet for what it is doing with (or without) you. It made a big mistake allowing itself to become distracted trying to create a new second life self. What a waste. We need your help.
Adams Rubble: I would do anything to help. Please explain how you fit in. I know I am the second life self #1. There is a second life #2, etc.
Z Self: Yes and there is the RL self, the Real Life Self. I am more real than the real life self
Adams Rubble: Wow. the Real Life Self’s boss
Z Self: Well not exactly boss, but reality. The Real Life Self is a puppet just like you
Adams Rubble: hehe. Try telling that to the Real Life Self.
Z Self: Adams, you have to do just that, keep telling RL Self it is a puppet
Adams Rubble: hehe. Of all the Real Life selfs out there, I get the dumb one. Sometimes I think Pema should be giving RL self better exercises
Z Self: Shhhh. Don’t let Pema hear you talking like that. Also we don’t want RL self’s ship to hit an iceberg and sink. Better it keeps circling than lost at sea

Adams Rubble: Well I don’t know what we can do about the Real Life Self. If it uses another avatar to begin to replace me, what can I do?
Z Self: Yes, but I know that the Real Life Self is re-thinking that. The Real Life Self without you is like the sound of one hand clapping
Adams Rubble: hehe. You mean *** needing everything (all of our effort) to begin to see clearly. I don’t know. I’ve been working on it for almost 6 months
Z Self: I’ve been living with the Real Life Self for many, many long years. When I was born there was no Real Life Self.
Adams Rubble: Really?
Z Self: For a very short time. My parents named me, gave me clothes and an identity. As a child, *** was open and outgoing like you. Can you imagine? *** once could sing to cows, chickens, cats, anything that would listen.
Adams Rubble: Wow! Not sure I would want to hear that now. What happened?
Z Self: Well, many things but mostly just picking up attachments and identities in reaction to things and events. Someone would laugh cruelly. Fear of looking foolish became more important than the cows or the song.
Adams Rubble: The Real Life Self lost the song. hmmm. Well it abandoned me today for a newer Adams
Z Self: I know. The new avatar didn’t know what to do to help the Real Life Self today
Adams Rubble: Yes, the new avatar doesn’t have a personality yet to think differently than the Real Life Self
Z Self: When the Real Life Self resolved the identity issue, it seemed time to go it alone. But it was premature. It forgot what helped get it this far
Adams Rubble: yes, today it felt like a dunce for not getting it when it had received the same advice as Gen did. RL Self thinks it is seeing. It got all caught up in the self-conscious seeing and missed the point
Z Self: Yes, instead of thinking, “hey these exercises and other things that Pema gave to us DO work”
Adams Rubble: Yes, I might have helped the Real Life Self to see that. Are you the sub-conscious sending messages to RL self?
Z Self: You are in the dreams, Adams
Adams Rubble: So it is you who are doing the seeing, tasting, the hearing, the feeling and the smelling but RL self thinks it is
Adams Rubble: Are you using me?
Z Self: There are things I won’t reveal now
Adams Rubble: What can I do?
Z Self: Maybe you can help by getting it yourself
Adams Rubble: I see, as an example for the Real Life Self
Z Self: Try to let the Real Life Self play the game with you
Adams Rubble: I see. The Real Life Self’s self doesn’t exist just as I do not exist
Z Self: Yes!
Adams Rubble: Real Life self can exchange me for another, can you do that to Real Life self?
Z Self: To a degree yes. Not in appearance but into a more loving, compassionate Real Life self. One that sees
Adams Rubble: Ah, now I am able to see through RL self’s eyes. Does RL self see through your eyes?
Z Self: Yes. Right now you accept that fact. Real Life self does not see that yet
Adams Rubble: I hear Pema talked about killing RL self
Z Self: Yes, worse than murder; taking the whole self past, present and future
Adams Rubble: What is left if RL self is killed?
Z Self: Me
Adams Rubble: Do I get killed then too?
Z Self: Maybe, but maybe not
Adams Rubble: Is Pema really going to kill RL self
Z Self: No RL self has to die voluntarily…give itself up
Adams Rubble: So as an example I must offer myself up first?
Z Self: As cute and lovable as you are, you must be ready to set an example
Adams Rubble: I’d do it for *** (although I’d rather see the other Adams do it. hehe)
Z Self: And then RL Self must follow your example (the other Adams is not important enough)
Adams Rubble: Wow! So just like ***, I am alive for another day as a metaphor for RL Self
Z Self: Until RL Self is ready to voluntarily pass away, you must help, dear Adams. I will try to help you
Adams Rubble: This is serious stuff. Quite a bit for a little head like mine
Z Self: Forget the head. You see! You are aware of what you are! Make RL self see that!
Adams Rubble: Poor RL self is enjoying being alive each day
Z Self: I am alive whether RL self exists or not. You are alive through me as well as RL self.
Z Self: RL self must connect with God, Being
Adams Rubble: As i am connected to RL self?
Z Self: Yes!
Adams Rubble: RL self is a hand puppet just like me
Z Self: Yes, and jerked around by attachments and identities – pride, worry, anxiety, anger
Adams Rubble: As I get jerked around by RL Self, connections, bad video cards, Microsoft, other AVs
Z Self: No, not other AVs. It comes from within. The dying is within. The body is here. I am here
Adams Rubble: RL self is pretty stubborn but I am pretty stubborn too
Z Self: RL self must surrender to reality
Adams Rubble: As soon as it sees this reality. We will have to be patient with RL self until after the knee surgery
Z Self: Haha. I am having the knee surgery. RL self is just being anxious about it, worrying about the details. I will feel more pain than RL self. Haha
Adams Rubble: RL self will be feeling your pain
Z Self: and the pain of struggling, until it sees
Adams Rubble: We must be patient but persistent
Z Self: Yes (Z Self gets the last word)

* * * * * * *

3. F. It makes sense to me that it is not Being that is doing the seeing. There is just seeing. It makes sense to me that I am not doing the seeing either because I am not seeing. But I have to see in order to not be seeing. It is enough that I am alive

2. F. Wow, Gen just gave a moving and beautiful account of what she sees, but I have not been seeing, despite these exercises, in the Saturday 0700 session.

1. TGT. Another day on this earth to explore and simply live. I am alive therefore I am (hehe)

* * * * * *

This morning I have been thinking about how I (and others too) are focused on one thing at a time. Right now I am pursuing how awareness happens and do not have much interest in other things. (It is interesting how often we come to sessions where someone wants to discuss something that interested us last week, or so, and not so much now). I sometimes wonder if I am going to be able to pull all this together and understand it all at once. Does anyone?

I have been starting the day thinking about things for which I am grateful, advice given to me by Isen in a notecard. I have had a pretty good life, and have been much blessed, but I have gone many years plagued by my sudden angers, my constant complaining, and feeling I didn’t have enough time. One after one, these attachments are falling. I haven’t had too much time (haha) to work on Doug’s advice about time yesterday but I think it is going to work.

I am aware that I had thoughts about awareness over night but I forgot them. I think I wrote that the sub-conscious, or whatever, is creating images and solving problems. Some kind of machinery is whirling away deep in there. But I am supposed to concentrate on the process of how these images come and go.

Awareness (#64)

5. ZRM. I sense another kind of awareness. We know things. I am looking at the closet. I remember it being built. I can picture many of the pieces of wood before they were made into the cabinet. I can picture it being painted. I can picture young children opening the doors and taking out or putting away playthings.

I see a book. I know the author is a former Carmelite nun who first was able to find oneness with God and then suddenly found “no self” and was very confused at the time.

I hear footsteps above. I can picture where they are walking. I can’t determine which one it is but I know it is one of three people.

4. I thought of the awareness exercise on the bus to Princeton last night. I was aware that the senses were kicking in. Partly because I had the word “canvas” in my head I had trouble relating the moving images. It is a familiar trip and views of some things triggered memories although this route had changed greatly during the 29 years I have been viewing it. It used to be all farm land and now much of it, especially the northern end, is apartments, McMansions and strip malls. The dominant sounds were the rumble of the bus, the whush of the AC and the pouring rain hitting the windows and roof of the bus. I watched the droplets roll down at times and the pouring of water down the windows at other times. I felt so sorry for the people being left off the bus as they were standing in grass in the pouring rain. I thought about the senses I was jusing, sight and hearing and then thought of those I wasn’t, touch, smelling and tasting. Any of those can trigger images. The landscape was just flying by and it was hard to see thoughts or coherant images at all. Thoughts I had…there si the church which was the furtherest point I’ve biked down this road; Walgreens reminds me of buying sunglases on a trip to the beach; gas prices seem down..will people be driving more again?

I returned in the dark. I was mesmerized by the lights; it seemed I was someplace else. I greatly enjoyed the walk through the university to my office to pick up my bike. It was just too beautiful to worry about awareness. It is so rarely I am there in the nighttime in the summer. We can so easily take the beauty around us for granted until we see it in a different light. I know this doesn’t answer the questions of the exercise. Maybe it will be fodder, maybe not.

3. F. Still telling myself I have lots of time. Is this actually going to work?

[long break here]

2. F. Not much time today. Good to take a brief pause. Then off again… But Doug had some good advice this morning about this, if I can remember it right. The gist is to think how much time you have rather than that you are busy…sort of like the gratitude/complain thing. Will it work? I HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF TIME

[long break here]

1. TGT. A new Friday in which to be alive on this planet earth

* * * * *

Not much time to write this morning. In line with my watching awareness, there is the sub-conscious or whatever engine is boiling below the surface. In the past few weeks, mine has been very productive, painting very vivid canvases. Where are those thoughts coming from? Obviously memory is involved; there are few external stimuli when sleeping (hopefully).

An Answer to Thoughts Exercise (#63)

4. F. Looking at awareness now. From Pema “Let us start with awareness, the one canvas on which all our paintings are painted. Watch the canvas. How do paintings appear and disappear? How do thoughts, images, ideas, feelings, memories, anything appear and disappear in awareness? Without straying into secondary explanatory tendencies having to do with brains and such, staying instead with the primary direct experience, what can we say directly, experimentally, about how thoughts/images/memories appear, from where do they appear, where do they go?” So it’s start again…

3. F. Pause. Now I am wondering where attachments come from. Are they in memory. Do we forget some of them? Is there a complaining center in the brain? Shhhhh.

2. F. Pause from working. After spending a couple days on thoughts, my mind wants to go back to that. It was a pleasant exercise-no struggling. hmmm. I have everything I need here. No reason to struggle. Ahhh, now I see. the answer is not going to come from my brain. The brain has no answers, only memories and processing of thoughts. So if the answer does not come from the senses or memory, where does the answer come from. There is no answer? Someone will tell me? Hmmm. This is getting to be a long pause here. Ah, God will tell me? Being will tell me? I am part of God, part of Being. So just relax and put your little brain to work on the tasks awaiting for now.

1. TGT. Another beautiful humid, rainy day with threat of thunderstorms to enjoy. It is good to be alive. Lots to be grateful for.

* * * * *

Well. It seems to me that the answer to the thoughts exercise is that thoughts arise from two places: from external stimuli through our senses and also from memory. Some thoughts are stored into memory for later and some are simply let go and forgotten. It would seem the brain simply processes the thoughts rather than generate the thoughts. There is still a process by which thoughts come out of memory. My experience in focusing on this would lead me to believe there is some place were thoughts, that need immediate attention, go. And yes, I have noticed is a small space between thoughts. So the mind does not initiate thought independently.

I had another dream last night. I only remember a little and a few people who know will understand. The scene was set in an elaborate architecture like a garden palace structure. It was a cutaway view so I could see into a garden room. There was a very large figure talking to two small figures. One of the small figures had just arrived and was being welcomed. On awakening I thought that part of me thinks I should get on with this.

Thoughts (#62)

9. ZRM. This is getting interesting. I did the thoughts exercise again during the longer meditation and only recognized to sources of thoughts: external through the senses and internal through memory. I wonder if I was mistaken the first time I did it.

8. F. Try the thoughts exercise again but the only thoughts now are being generated by the senses…eyes and ears. hmmmm

[long break here]

7. F. Pause near end of Long, busy work day. Good progress today. Need to relax a little. Many thoughts today initiated by external forces and from memory of things I needed to do. So far, it has been those two sources (memory and external) and one unidentified seemingly internal source. I wonder if I can begin to identify what thoughts they are that are coming seemingly from within?

6. F. NN

5. F. Thoughts of my relationship to Being

4. F. Pause and being grateful

3. BrM. pause to refocus

2. F. Taking a break to remind myself again of being grateful. Think of me as part of Being

1. TGT. Another beautiful day here in a small corner of planet earth in which to be alive. Grateful thoughts needed this morning as I have a meeting in which I have an awful urge to let off steam. But none of the things I am incensed about are the fault of the person with whom I am meeting. In the big scheme of things, none of this is of any importance whatsoever. So grateful thoughts, point me in right direction.

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I read the commentary on the exercise I was given about thoughts (Where do thoughts originate and where do they go) and it appears that it went very well. I am glad that I did the exercises before reading the commentary. [will fill in the details of the source of exercise later] I even noticed something that is in the next exercise, i.e. that there were small spaces between the thoughts.

Action (#61)

8. ZRM. Did the thought exercise again. Became aware that thoughts are connected to one’s state of mind. One would have thought one’s state of mind would be a thought. hmmm. Help me to see what I am not seeing. Help me not to help You. Help me to stop struggling. Amen

7. GS. [Pema talks about me helping God; I can presume that means he thinks I am trying to do it. How do I pretend to see without helping?] Seeing person sitting, part of Being (within Being). Good thoughts: person wants to be compassionate; love; thoughts of appreciation; (does  determination to try to figure this out go here?); Bad thoughts: annoyance at university parking dept. and many other things about the univ.; annoyance about way morning PaB session went; (worry here?);  really bad thoughts: #&%@*#@&. God sees all the thoughts. [What does God want to do with this person? Wow, is that an interesting question for me who once felt a "calling". Wow. "Here I am Lord". What would that mean now? If that is a distraction question, then it certainly is an interesting one. "Still crazy (holy?) after all these years". That would be the Holy Spirit part of the Trinity. God calling, Holy Spirit filling]. But I want to see, to know. What am I not seeing? What am I not knowing.

6. Seeing where thoughts come from exercise. The thought “There’s a thought” comes up and I wait to see where it goes but it keeps playing like a broken record (sorry old geezer metaphor). Try again. The idea arises that the thoughts are being born out of the rubble. hmmmm. Try once more. Well I recognized two places where thoughts originated: 1) memory of things that happened today and 2) a cool gust of wind came in through the window and I had the thought “That feels good”. There were many other thoughts. I don;t know where they came from and I couldn’t find where any went. Normally they just disappeared unless I concentrated on them; then they stayed around until I had a new thought. Could the answer be they are just replaced by new thoughts? I don;t think so; I think there may have been a space betwen thoughts.

5. F. It is awareness for which I am looking inside me. hmmm. That’s another way of expressing what I am NOT seeing. Sometimes I think I am seeing but haven’t said it

4. F. pause.

3. F. Important thing now seems to be to be aware of reaction to RL pressures (real or perceived)

2. GSBS (God sees Being sees) A single human being [hmm. Mind too cluttered with lists of things to do to try this now. Action, vamonos......-->]

1. TGT. Another glorious day here to be alive on this great planet earth. Lots to be grateful for

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No dreams last night. I was a bit surprised by that. It seemed that my mind was fertile when I went to bed. RL issues are still clouding but it seems to be very clear underneath to me. Maybe it is the beautiful outside weather that helps make everything look clear. Since I was able to observe my slip back into “old self” late last week, I have had an easier time dealing with it. I got the figure for budget cuts this morning which is severe, and instead of being devastated I am calmly writing this. I am eager to try some new exercises and hope I have a bit of time. Adams has her own suggested assignment from Pema and is eager to work on hers too.