Refocusing – 40th Log Entry

12. F. Memory is a part of Pema’s directions for Being seeing that I have not yet considered. That could get very, very personal. I find the phenomena of long forgotten memories flashing into older people’s minds very interesting. Unfortunately, if I understand correctly, it has to do with brain cells dying and releasing the contents.

[break here]

11. F. What am I still not seeing? What still might be in the way? What else needs subtracting? I know I now have a state in which I am more open than I have been in a long, long time. the feeling comes and goes. I don’t seem to be seeing more though. Why am I not seeing more when I feel freer from attachments/identities? Yes, I can. Yes, I should.

10. BRM. Feeling peaceful

9. YSBS. [seeing] I see a computer screen with Rubblebornthoughts’s Weblog written across the top. I also see a desk covered with clutter including a mini-Buddha and a mini-Ganesh

[Being] There is an office with a person sitting in a chair at a desk. The person is thinking about writing this down. There is a humming sound coming from a computer fan and an air cleaner. The person feels tired and experiencing a bit of sadness for people oppressed. On the other hand the person feels some confidence of getting closer to something. A door closes in the distance. During certain hours of the day, this person occupies this office, sits in this chair. Sometimes during the other times, people come into the office to clean and empty trash cans. Centipedes rule at other times. What else? What am I not seeing? Where is the connection? How will it be made?

8. F. Rebounding myself but deeply saddened to learn of the intolerance and suffering in the Tibetan Buddhist community. When we view other people’s intolerance we are bewildered at the stupidity of it all. Why do the wise and learned wallow in hate?

7. F. What a depressing thought that all Adam and Eve’s descendants would be punished for a mistake made by those two. That just ain’t right, no way!

6. F. A connection (with music)! When I felt connected, I felt a tingling run through my body and an involuntary smile

5. F. Is my residue Christian spirituality a possible entry point or is it an identity/attraction?

4. F. What is being seeing? How do I let Being see? No no…that is not right. How do I know what Being sees? From Pema: “Just let Being “see” you and everything, from outside you as well as from inside you, all your thoughts, feelings, memories, your body and mind, as well as the whole world around you”. Hmmm. In my own experiments I was tentative about the internal things. But the experiments still helped me see two big barriers. Why can Being see my feelings, thoughts and memories? How can Being see my feelings, thoughts and memories? Why does Being care what those are? God would care

3. F. From the other day the “I can’t” barrier and the “I shouldn’t” barrier. Yes I Can (borrowed from Barrack Obama). The “I shouldn’t” is a more private issue but there are many good reasons why “I should”. the reasons why “I should” are mine; the reasons “why I shouldn’t” are obsolete identities/attachments. Begone! Yes, I should. Can I remember that?

2. F. What am I not seeing? Who do I think I am? What do I think I am? My old questions to remember while I think about the connection/separation question. How do I want to live my life? The new question. Now that i know about identities/attachments (hey I learned that here), I would like to live life without their interference. I want to be slower to anger, fearless, have less doubt, be without envy and have fewer desires interfering…and I would like to be more compassionate.

1. TGT – Ready to start a new day of life on this beautiful planet earth

* * * * * *

My thoughts are being redirected partly due to the question in my last entry last night. How do I want to live my life? Thanks also to Pema, Storm and Dakini for timely help and answers to my inquiries.

I have called this post today “refocusing”; note it is not “refocused”. It is a beginning of some effort, who knows how long. When I started SL, my main purpose was to investigate some of the reconstructions of art monuments being done in SL. A side goal was a spiritual quest. The term Second Life suggests a renewal. It quickly became clear that I was in a minority in searching for the latter…but not alone. I had been interested in Buddhism and accepted the wisdom of the basic teachings and path. But I had no idea of how to follow the path. How does one live compassionately?

I fell into PaB while exploring Meuem and the Zen Retreat. I did not really understand what Being was (still don’t -maybe getting closer) but this was a good group of people. The sessions became my main focus. I have heard numerous people say that it was the meditation, not the sessions that were important. This at first perplexed me. I am beginning to understand that more. Any connection with Being will be done internally, within me.

I am beginning to think of my spirituality as connection. It is like being hooked to the internet even if one is only doing word processing. The connection to something bigger is there and one knows it. I have felt that connection with sacred music and places. But if it is separation I am looking for, maybe I am looking in wrong direction. Connection or separation. Separation from some things and connection to Being?

A Crossroads in the Path? – 39th Daily Log

12. ZM. How do I want to live my life? (from Dalai Lama via notecard from Isen at meditation tonight)

11. F. What am I not seeing? What am I not asking myself?

10. TGT. I had to follow the note below with my favorite 9 second stop meditation

[a long pause here. I made the doctor's appointment thanks to a PaB nine-second stop. Maybe that should be in the advertising brochure..."never be late for an important appointment again with new quattro-hour 9 second stopping" or "saved by the Bell"]

9. F. It is good I stopped….I must run. QUICKLY!

8. F. What am I NOT seeing? Who do I think I AM? What do I think I AM? Has my view changed at all?

7. F. While the music is not touching me, it is calming me. I feel sleepy

6. F. Interestingly, something, seemingly physical, is blocking my spiritual connection to the music today. I feel like there is an invisible wall between me and the connection. I feel the music coming up to my face and hitting the wall. Is that a good description? When I close my eyes the music is going in my ears but my ears are like reverse speakers; the sound is going in. I am unmoved. I am cold, hard, just still, the sound surrounding me but not penetrating. The music IS. I AM. We are separate today

5. BrM. Good break

4. F. What is Being in relation to the office and its doings? Modern work is so far distant from the essentials of life

3. F. I know Being sees me here working. Does Being know or care what I am thinking? now that I have stopped I realize I should put on some music

2. F. I haven’t made formal stops to record but I find myself watching myself work a bit today

1. TGT – A new day

* * * * * *

I am at a crossroads. At any rate I reached two big barriers and do not feel the strength right now to move them or push past them. I am not sure how to, or if I can, go around them. RL responsibilities and been calling now for a while and they are getting more insistent. What have I learned in the past six weeks? I do not feel any change in me at all (seems to me someone predicted that). One thing is that words I have used for years seem to be either changing in meaning or have no meaning at all. Having carefully juggled time for so long, I am being told that time is not important. I am having trouble reconciling that with the RL tasks facing me. I need to roll up my sleeves and do some serious slogging. In short I am unsettled on the surface level. On the other hand I woke up feeling none of this so my subconscious seems to be at a comfortable place.

A Darker Dream – 38th Daily Log

10. F. NN

9. TGT. I love this meditation device. I guess the secret is to find something that will make one smile no matter what.

8. F. Nothing new. I don’t think I have the faith that I am going to work through this. I am content to sit back for a couple of days and see what happens. I didn’t follow through on my plan to try and see myself from a distance today. I truly do not know what it is that I should be able to see differently. I was very aware of all the people in the park today. Families picnicing; I noticed parents watching carefully over their children…allowing them to explore new things while not getting into danger. I remember all those years with our children down in the park. Couples strolling together, sharing the warmth of the day. It has been a concentrated six weeks in PaB. Is it time to get back a dig more deeply into my RL work or is that the voices of the attachment/identities talking? Or am I just still tired despite the nap (an unusual thing for me)

[long break including afternoon session, a nap and a second bike ride]

7. F. Ok, the PEB isn’t sending me further into chaos, it just didn’t work for me today. I probably am blocking it. What AM I not seeing. I AM. Or is that I still haven’t removed the barriers. How? I can’t. I shouldn’t. They are there, not scary anymore but there, stopping me here, now. More stopping than before maybe because I see them for what they are. I can’t is a box. I shouldn’t…is that a box or something else. They are both calling out to me. Now that I do not fear them, do I want to embrace them? Something is telling me to do that. Just accept them. This is powerful; I know about them but for now they rule; will they win? I think I need to give this a rest. I am tired and the struggle is being non-productive. Not the time to struggle, I guess. No slogging allowed

6 . PEB. ([seeing] limit my view to the keyboard and monitor of my laptop here. I see greenish, cream keyboard with a black band where the hinges for the monitor are. The monitor has the edit mode for Rubblebornthoughts.

[Being or view outside myself] A person sitting, bent over, typing. The mind is struggling to understand Being. There are two large barriers blocking the view. The person changes position and straightens up a little. From the perspective of the universe it is a tiny insignificant figure, one of many such even sharing the same square mile. Why study this individual?

5. F. I think Pema’s experiment shook out the two hidden attachments/identities. I feel unsettled as a result. Too many things working on me. Dare I try it again? I haven’t done anything about them. My dream would suggest I no longer fear them. I don’t feel any different…still struggling. Other things working are away on me too. Am I just tired. Three big revelations; why do I feel so discouraged? Is it that doing something about these two attachment/identities will be such a formidible task? Something is urging me to give this up now.

4.  Long bike ride (bike meditation?). I find it incredible how one can take a long bike ride on a hot, humid day when has trouble just walking to the refrigerator. There has been a third revelation. Since I had my second revelation, I suspected there was more and the third one might be the most formidable. It is sort of like when I hear one car coming up behind me when I am biking. If there is a car behind it, I do not hear it until the first one is safely past. Anyway, the first attachment/identity is “can’t do” and the second attachment/identity, lurking behind is a “shouldn’t do”. They are formidable barriers. I have recognized them; now what can I do about them. I am mighty exhausted now. I want to give up.

[so a revelation while discussing the revelation below....the power of the writing word]

3. F. Just a formal pause before I go finish chores. Running late now…..

[Watching myself going through my Sunday morning chores. Was the identity or attachment in my dream a generic identity or attachment or was it a generic fear? Also I had a revelation about Adams; I have known that she carries less baggage than my RL self; she is without a very big roadblock related to role models. I do not feel this is the identity or attachment in last night's dream unless Adams is the child. Oh my goodness! ....and I afraid that the child will become tainted by the identity or attachment. So I just have to learn to remember that this is an attachment or identity and lose my fear. Now how do I do that? Adams, my dear wonderful child...running around innocently between me and my dangerous identity or attachment]

2. PEB. [seeing] laptop, breakfast [ Being] Person sitting, pondering Being, relaxed, bewildered? [Hmm. That doesn;t seem to have worked]

1. F. Starting another day, alive on planet earth

*     *    *     *     *    *     *

I have been having a dream series for awhile. This one is much darker than the last…very dark in fact. I believe I am Adams in the dream. A while back I had a dream that I was lured into a house by a very dangerous man. When I say dangerous, I mean dangerous like a serial killer. [probably the point being the most dangerous person I could conjure up]. There was child but I managed to hide the child outside first. I do not remember the details but I was in grave danger but I managed to talk myself out of it. Somehow I was left with an anniversary date when I would have to face him again. I think the impending anniversay appointment has been recurring in dreams in the intervening time. He knew about the child and would keep asking me while reminding me about the appointment; I think it was his child and that I was afraid that he would bring up the child to be like him. That happened last night. I went, all the time thinking this was a really stupid thing to do. Maybe I felt obligated, I am not sure. The child was with me. I was standing in the middle of a flight of about six stairs at the front of the house. The child would not stay hidden this time and was running around between me and the man. I wanted to run but I was petrified with fear. I couldn ‘t move; I was stuck there. I think my heart was actually pounding. Real fear. He reached out his hand to me and suddenly all the fear vanished, just like that. I remember thinking that this figure was an attachment or an identity and I had nothing to fear.

Who is this child of me, as Adams, and this identity or attachment, who is running around so innocently? Is that me too? Innocent and malleable. I was so confident that I had an insight and that everyone would just see it. Little did I know that it would initiate discussion about why I am wrong

*    *     *     *

On a lighter note I learned something new at last nignt’s 7 PM meeting. Never try make an etomological correction with two peeople when you are ignorant of how they were using the word.

Pema’ Experiment – 37th Daily Log

10. F. lying in bed at the end of a long day. Picturing me lying in bed with a computer on my lap. Somewhere Being experiencing me lying in bed (looking around for something watching). Seeing a room around me. Zzzzzzz.

9. ZRM – During meditation I remembered lying in bed as a child able to look outside myself and see me lying in bed. As I remember it was almost like using the SL camera and moving around looking at my body. Pema’s exercise brought up this memory. I am thinking it might be interesting to do this for a day, simply observe myself going through daily activities.

[Steve's message to me : "I know you wanted to listen Adams, but to some extent the very things you wrestle with maybe the things that distance you from being... doubt, etc. " Yes, my identities or attachments. So many things to take into consideration. Well it is time to go to the Zen Retreat for evening zazen]

8. F. Will the PEB change what I SEE when I meditate? I can see the body in the universe. Can I see the actions too? the thinking?

[enough PEBing for now]

7. YSBS. [can this be overdone in one day?][with eyes] I see a laptop with lots of words, letters, lines and rectangles of blue and yellow. Over the top of the laptop I see two rocking chairs resting on a floor with green carpet. Beyond is a cabinet with a television on top and to the right is the top of a picture frame and the top of a lamp rising above one of the rockers.

Human being sitting on a couch hearing the sound of a fan blowing warm air across the body. The human being has a mind which is exploring what is around. The mind is being fed with blood flowing through tubes. The blood is being pumped by a pump in the middle of the chest. The blood is picking up oxygen in two large air sacs expanding and contracting…forcing air in and out of the body through a small appendage with two holes. The air is forced through the two holes with great force. The human moves two appendages with ten long cylinders with two joints each on two flat panels hinged together. There are little buttons the cylinders are pushing making movement of the surface of the other panel.

[Solobill says this is based in Shunryo Suzucki's teachings]

6. YSBS. [a basement doesn't seem like a great inspiration for Being, so I try my front porch][with eyes]: I see three big potted plants, a middle-sized potted plant and two small ones. The also are three cement frogs sitting on a cement block. The wall of the porch is green and the floor blue. Beyond the porch and the plants is the back of a white house with a red roof. There is a little deck outside the back door with a stairway of about 6 steps to the yard. The sunlight is behind me and since it is about a hour or so before sundown, is catsing a warm yellow light on the upper leaves of the three large plants.

[Being] Planet earth. Oceans, land; clouds drifting across each. There is plant life; there is animal life. Among the animals are human beings. There is a line, north and south, where the light of the sun becomes darkness. On one of the continents still lit by the sun, is a place, before long to become dark. Millions of people in this area. In the middle of these millions is a human being sitting on a porch looking ahead toward plants. The back of the human’s head is lit by the sun casting a shadow on an object on the lap. This object can communicate with the world. There is a sound of water flowing from a hose. There is the sound of birds singing and calling. There are bugs circling the human being, some biting. There is distant sound of cars moving on highways. There are children playing somewhere, their voices drifting to this porch.

5. YSBS. [with eyes] I see an electric radiator draped in extension cords. Behind that is a dehumidifier connected by a cord to those on the radiator. Behind that is a furnace with large pipes going out in all directions. There is a light in my peripheral vision to the top left and I can see light coming from behind the furnace.

[Being - this one will be hard] There is a human being in a chair looking into the distance. There is a chair, a table on wheels, a dehumidifier running, an object with wires on it to keep them of the damp cellar floor. The furnace is off but can generate heat. The warm air rises up into the house as the cold air is pulled down by gravity. It is a vert warm, humid day and the furnace has not run for some time.

4. YSBS. [with eyes] I see a white wall with four picture frames hanging in front. In front of the picture frames is a lumpy plastic bag. Below that is a gray outline of me. To the right of my shadow is the shadow of a photo lamp and to the right of that is a water meter.

[Being] This is a basement of a house with many houses around it. The houses go on for many miles and miles. There is a human being sitting in a chair with the laptop on its lap. There is a photo lamp in front. A lamp hanging from the ceiling behind the human is casting a shadow of the human and the photo lamp on to the wall in front. There is the sound of a dehumidifier. Water flows through the water meter to the rest of the house where people may bathe, wash dishes or use the toilet.

3. YSBS. [with eyes] I see lots of clutter: a broken rocking chair with an old sweater on it topped with a piece of shelf paper. I see a pile of video tapes with a CD on top. There is an old bookcase used as shelving with boxes of Christmas lights, bicycle repair books, a political sign from out last mayoral election, the cover for the control part of the washing machine, an old VCR and turntable, a rubber chicken, a roll of insulation, a shoe box, and beyond a cabinet with some tools mounted on its front.
[Being] A person is sitting in a basement corner sitting at a make-shift table with a laptop. There is a sound of a dehumidifier and light comes from a number of sources including a photography flood light at the table with a compact fluorescent bulb [to conserve energy], a second similar spotlight and bulb mounted on the ceiling, a small window and a bare compact fluorescent bulb on the other side of the stairway. The person is typing at the table using mostly a single light source. Once in a while the person stops and gives a little sigh and then begins typing again

2. BrM. Clearing my mind. Ready to try Pem’a experiemnt with some trepidation because I don’t have the slightest idea of what Being is. Well that is what imaginations are for; scientists may have their intuition but imagination rules in the arts. Look to number3 above. Incidently I feel like a kid in math class who is trying to learn algebra without knowing how to multiply. But what the heck, let’s try and fake it.

[I got back from my walk and catching up on all the emails, Pema's experiment for us, and two of the chat logs. So much to read. I had some thoughts during the walk but like last Saturday, they may just have to float away as the clouds in the sky (Fael and I love to use that metaphor) However, I read in the 2008.07.15 13 00 log this morning Udge's wonderful line about roles: "I am a different person in habits and voice and style, when I am with my sister and her kids, than when I am at work...different again in the bar or the concert hall...these are roles I play." I spent a good deal of effort yesterday unsuccessfully, trying to say someting similiar.]

1. F. Remembering that this is another day I will experience although it is very warm and sticky one

* * * * * *

Last night i went to sleep thinking I didn’t have a clue. This morning I realize that in doing more listening I am hearing different approaches. I have bits and pieces of things that I may want to explore further but I need to review and maybe tie them together. My chat log tells me that Steve was saying something that he felt important to me as I went offline Saturday night. Maddenly I don’t have the rest of what he said yet. In any case I have done none of that and I am off for our Saturday morning walk. I expect to write more later

The Dialogue – 36th Daily Log

5. F.Remembering my questions. There seems to be some disagreement on what I should be doing. I will have to try to see if that is so tomorrow. Now to sleep. Being is the experience. Zzzzzzzzz

[I spent a long time in SL today and had my browser shut down so those stops went unrecorded]

4. F. It has been a long day in SL and with PaB…almost like a weekend day. Hmmm

[Another long break]

3. F. Have to remember my questions. Seems to me something came up in the meeting that I wanted to remember. …and I wanted to start thinking about my accuser when I feeling guilty. Are there different accusers for different types of guilt?

[very long break - the session lasted over 2 hours and then I had conversations after that]

2. TGT. Always a good way to start up again but PaB session soon to start

[long break here]

1. F. I am alive for another day (a hot, humid scorcher of a day)

*     *     *     *     *     *

I was opening files, and laying out work for today , when a familiar figure approached me.

Adams Rubble: Hi ***
********: Hi. Adams. I am surprised to see you here.
Adams Rubble: hehe
********: You should be in Second Life
Adams Rubble: I have been curious to know what part of me is me and which part is me
********: Yes, I wonder about that too sometimes
Adams Rubble: You left me on a pillow at the pavilion last night. I wanted to remind you to get me out of there before someone sits on me
********: Sorry I didn’t take you home. I was very tired last night. I couldn’t go on
Adams Rubble: I am sore all over. You try sitting in a lotus position for 12 hours. Besides, Steve was about to say something
********: Yes well, we can read about it
Adams Rubble: You can read about it, you mean
********: But you will know it when I do
Adams Rubble: Hmmm. You are right. I seem to know everything you do. There must be some pool of knowledge that you and I share. Some larger sphere
********: Yes and we need just to tap into it and it is there
Adams Rubble: hmmmm. I am still a bit angry with you
********: Yes, I know. I am very sorry about that, Adams. I meant it metaphorically
Adams Rubble: When I heard “There is no Adams”. Grrrrrrrr. Why not “no RL person”.
********: It is supposed to include me. I just don’t see it completely yet. There is no self. By applying it to you I could see it a bit more clearly.
Adams Rubble: Well I guess that helping you see is what I am here for
********: Oh so much more Adams. Much of the time you don’t carry all my identities or attachments
Adams Rubble:The excess baggage
********: Yes, exactly. Baggage, that’s good. Yes often you are freer to do and say things than I am here in RL
Adams Rubble blushes
********: I marvel at the way you can sit in a group and relate to everyone. When I am in a group I tend to pull into myself…behind all my defenses. I think I am so busy worrying about the defenses I miss much of the conversation
Adams Rubble: Most of the time the RL you take over me though. It is you talking, not me
********:Yes Adams. I find that intriguing. You are the front person to get things started. But I forget myself and talk from myself. You get to have the fun while I sit in at my keyboard. It is you that does the playing though …the dancing, the drinking, wearing silly things
Adams Rubble: Ah. That outfit the other day was a bit hidious
********: Sorry. How is your drinking coming?
Adams Rubble: I did well yesterday. I looked at the Heiniken but settled for a small glass of champagne . It was the middle of the day
********: Good to know you are easing up on the sauce

Then the conversation turned very serious

Adams Rubble: You have had thoughts of killing me off at various times
********: Yes, Adams. I know that is disconcerting to you
Adams Rubble: You always think you are the important one. It is all about you
*********: You have a role Adams in helping me see things I can’t in RL
Adams Rubble: I am glad that I can help
********: There is less confusion in being the same character in RL and SL but I bet a whole lot less interesting
Adams Rubble: hehe. It would be hard for them to have this conversation
********: Exactly Adams. Somehow I am exploring two parts of my mind at the same time
Adams Rubble: Is that what they mean by duality?

********: I have no idea, you would have to ask Fred

I borrow Pema’s line from a chat log

Adams Rubble: Neither of us seem to be too well versed in philosophy
********: I am afraid that is my fault.
********: You are more apt to act compassionately than I am. I learn from you.  You get in a virtual situation and try something new. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I learn from that. You are much friendlier than I
Adams Rubble: I heard that you were saying hi and getting into conversations with people you met in the woods the other day
********: Yes, I surprised my family. That was you, Adams, that was coming out in me
Adams Rubble: hmmmmm. So you are not thinking of killing me off then
*********: No, not right now Adams. We very well might be in this together for awhile
Adams Rubble: I’d like to see what happens with this PaB thing. I am making lots of new friends
********: That is the interesting thing, Adams. When you do, we both do. I owe you for that
Adams Rubble: OK. hmmm, I guess that’s not duality then
*********: I have to post this and get some other things done now
Adams Rubble: OK, I’ll go back to the pavilion and wait for you then. Try to stop typing semi-colons into your contractions. Bye ***
********: I will try. Bye Adams

The Accuser – 35th Daily Log

21. F. Thoughts lurking. Maybe Cirrus clouds

20. TGT. Smiles

19. F. Taking break

18. F. Problems with laptop cord. Calming myself.

17. F. Back again. Feeling calm

[long break here]

16. F. At PaB afternoon session now

15. NN. Don;t bother me, I’m busy.

14. F. NN

13. F. Nothing in my head but music. Body in my chair, feet on the ground. I am alive again for another day on this beautiful planet.

12. BrM. The log is a bit dark today and I don;t feel dark unless I take off my earphones

11. F. OK Adams (and RLer), this is the inquisitor. You stand accused and we want to see some anxiety. A little doubt should enter your mind as well. You do not understand a good deal of what people are talking about in the logs. You have no idea of what Being is. Ha ha ha. Who am I? Who is this inquisitor? Who is this accuser. Ha ha ha you don;t know do you? Until you find out I will continue to accuse. ha ha ha

10. F. Bell is very loud with earphones on. Pause from working hard

9. BrM. Good pause from work here. Was reading much about Being in the past few logs. Steve’s comparison with love was interesting. We know how to love and keep learning to do it better. Understanding of Being is the same. We already know what it is.

8. F. I’ve been reading some past logs and I find it interesting how often the conversation moves on while I am thinking of something someone said a few entries back. I then respond to that former point thereby breaking the current conversation

7. F. I have been finding myself listening more at PaB sessions. Is it that I don;t have anything to say or that I just want to hear what other people have to say?

6. F. Interesting to think of anxieties and doubts as time wasters. Anxieties are certainly sleep deprivers.

5. F. In session today Maxine noted that anxieties and doubts are trying to pull us away from what we are doing right now

4. BrM. So rather than who is anxious? maybe who is making anxious? Who is accusing?

3. TGT. smiles

2. F. Sometimes when I have music on when I’m working, I really do not hear it until I stop. Then often it is so magnificent that I don’t want to go back to work. I feel here the spirituality I am missing. What is spirituality for me? Am I feeling close to God? Is it me getting in touch with something bigger? It is interesting how often that the “holding on to ourselves” theme is in Christianity too. Am I become mindful of Christianity?

[big gap already. Went to morning PaB session where Doug had some interesting things to say about anxiety. If there is an accusation there is an. One must look for the accuser. Say to accuser "tell me more". Instead of letting anxiety go, treat it as if it were alive and can change its mind]

1. F. Good to stop after a furious bout of work

* * * * * *

All of the sudden things are rushing at me in RL. SL has to wait.

Guilt and Doubt – 34th Daily Log

11. F. Two nights ago at the Zen Retreat, Enzo gave us a card which talked about meditation to hel one be more open

10. F. Back again with my questions. What do I think I am? Who do I think I am? I am somebody who doesn’t yet get it but I think I have seen glimpses of reality. Like when I get lost in certain music or a piece of art. When I am walking in the forest or sit out in the backyard and watch a mourning dove scratching the ground or the nest of robins over the gate.

[long break here]

9. F. Who do I think I am?

8. F. What are my illusions? delusions?

7. F. I had the earphones off for a while and was beginning to feel agitated again. After stopping, I put them on again and the peacefulness returns. Remembering the questions. What are the questions? Who do I think I am? What do I think I am? The questions seem to go without answers for much longer now. I know I am the body in this chair. In the body? I should have been able to figure out a bit more by now. I am not anger. I am not anxiety. I am not doubt. etc.

6. F. I feel something different about me, Maybe it is the music touching something very deep…heavenly powers dealing invisibly with us. Great calm…at peace with myself…no thought of clouds

5. TGT. Very powerful method for a nine-second stop

4. F. Stopping and listening to a beautiful rendition of Vo tzarstvii Tvoem

3. F. This morning’s PaB session was restorative

[long break here including 0700 session]

2. F. Anger, fear, pride, jealousy, doubt, guilt, desire (the big one), anxiety. the list is getting longer

1. F. Who is having conflicting thoughts? Who has doubts? Who feels guilty? What is doubt and guilt? Where do they come from. As noted in the recent session, there appears to be some guilt taught along with Christianity. Guilt from the Garden of Eden. Guilt from sin. In Christianity there is redemption.

* * * * * *

This morning I am having conflicting thoughts–so conflicting that I do not want to try to work them out on the log. Probably I want or need to let them pass. Clouds drifting across my sky. I wonder if my identities are protesting. In allegorical terms (Buddhist) maybe it is Mara. Something in me wants me to give up.

Suffice to say, yesterday I found I have not yet learned to deal with anger. I also know two more identities or attachments: doubt and guilt. There was a PaB session recently in which Christian guilt was brought up. I probably would not have been aware of the guilt if I hadn’t recently read that session.

Usness – 33rd Daily Log

11. F. NN

10. F. end of day. How do I become more open? to the world? to other human beings? I learned today that I still need to work on anger and that I should be careful of jetskis in SL.

[another long break]

9. F. What do I think I am? Who do I think I am. An imperfect human being trying to get better. What am I NOT seeing? I am not seeing the path very clearly. I am not seeing all of my identities or attachments.

[another long break here]

8. F. NN

7. TGT.

6. F. Where did the anger come from? I was like a pit bull. I forgot the barking dog.

[long pause including morning PaB session]

5. F. Nice to stop from busy, busy

4. F. Break from working NN

3. F. I am a bit confused about what I am right now. We seem to be rather complex individuals and some people seem to have worked through the complexity to find a simple answer. The subtraction then, seems to be subtracting complexity. Becoming one. Is it anything like turning the thirteen colonies into a nation?

2. F. Still the question: Who do I think I am?

1. TGT. A smile is a good way to start this beautiful day here. It is good to be alive another day.

* * * * * *

Yesterday I wrote about noticing changes in people in the group. Overnight it has struck me that I am becoming less focused on myself in the group and getting more interested (curious?) about the struggles, in addition to the wisdom gained, of my fellow travelers in PaB. Adding that this is in a loving way. I also wrote yesterday that there is no Adams, which piqued my avatar to no end. Ironically, it is Adams, or whatever part of me that is Adams, who is leading the way in this. It has something to do with the freedom to love openly or something like that which indicates another identity or attachment on my part. That identity or attachment is making it difficult to write this; something is resisting letting go. Can role playing more compassion help one achieve more compassion? I hope so; OK, so there is an Adams (on some level).

No Adams – 32nd Daily Log

18. F. Almost as soon as I write I am feeling calm, I begin to feel agitated. I wonder if it is just tiredness. This morning Pema asked a question something like “Who would try to compare Being to something (else)? One who has no idea of what Being is, and is trying to get a handle on it, that’s who.

17. F. Now that I have been in PaB for five weeks,  I am noticing changes in people while they are working through their own tranformations. Some people who appeared very calm and serene to me at first, now appear more agitated and vice versa. This attempt at transformation is something we are sharing and now that I am aware of it, I feel closer to the group. I think before I felt I was the only one who didn’t get it.

16. F. I have tried out a new meditation the past few days–one that is good when one is not content to sit. I have been trying to meditate on an exercise bike combining that with Storm’s Faru meditation. It requires me to close my eyes to imagine the light being picked up from behind on the intake and then put down in front on the inhale. When I did the Faru walking it made me very aware of what was around me. Colors became very vivid in my mind; I can still picture the meadow surrounded by forest from that day. With the eyes closed, the effect is very different. So far it has just made me very aware of the light. It is more of a mind clearing exercise. Maybe that is also because I am using it when I am a bit more agitated.

15. BrM. I am feeling quite peaceful today which is quite a change from the past few days. Transforming oneself is not an easy task.

14. F. Who do I think I am? What do I think I am? My first question on June 9 was “Who is me?”

13. F. I started a few different threads today. The hint about Being is helpful and I am going to let my concern with Being drift for a while. I am not too concerned about that since it is not in the way now. The reality issue interests me. What is real as to what is just appearance or identity (for me personally)? Goes to the question of what I AM. Am I just someone who experiences Being? I want to keep the spiritual part of me open; I sincerely hope this is not just a desire, a hunger. Research seems to indicate there is a spiritual part of the brain.

[bit of time elapsed here]

12. F. Stop from work. Almost time for PaB session

11. F. NN

10. F. Stopped to look back at some early logs. I firrst attended a PaB session on June 6 and the first entry was June 9 so it’s been a little more than 5 weeks. I notice that I am writing more now than at the beginning

9. F. stop

8. F. stopping from work

7. F. NN

6. F. NN

5. F. After last stop just sat and listened to the music. This stop reminds me I have to go back to work…

4. F. Only able to concentrate on Kathleen Battle singing Mozart. It has been a while listened to music. I have been slightly disappointment since I realized there is no spiritual side to PaB. I will just have to provide that myself

3. F. OK, new description of being (roughly quoting Pema) as something that I experience or better that experiences me. why do I want to know what Being is? Because it is a word commonly used in PaB including in the title…an essential word…THE key word. It is essential to my relationship to this group. It is essential because everyone in the group seems to have an idea of what the word Being means except me. Understanding Being may or may not be necessary to my goal. But using the word experience seems to be a big clue to me.

[break in here]

2. F, The peanuts that I am chewing. crunch crunch. I could feel them as I put them in my mouth and I can feel them while I chew. I can taste them. They must be real. What about the desire for peanuts? If I am eating peanuts but think I am eating popcorn, what then? Well I guess that is simply delusion.

1. F. A new day. I am alive (I remember to think the thought). It is a rainy Monday but an interesting weekend as far as my seemingly, never-ending, ongoing retreat at PaB (I say that lovingly).

* * * * *

Thoughts are like drifting clouds blocking the sky. A blog is by definition, thoughts. Thus this blog is a cloud blocking the sky of I AM. A dilemma. What is reality? (Is Being Reality?). I need to start sorting this out, I think. Adams is a fictional character, part of a story. A collaborative creation of Linden Labs and the RL me. Adams does not exist except as that. There is no Adams. There is the appearance of Adams.

The so-called educated, thinking person is an identity, part of self. Is the Art Historian Image Librarian reality or that also just a tag, an identity? The body sitting in this chair typing at this keyboard is real, yes? The room is real as a subdivision in a real building. But is “office” real? Is that a tag, an identity? hmmmm. The rain hitting my body biking into work this morning was real. The damp clothes sticking to my body now are real. So I can trust what I can touch, feel? Can I trust what I hear, see? I see my mini-Buddha and mini-Ganesh figures on my desk. They are real as figures. I can touch them, feel them between my fingers. Of course they are not really Buddha and Ganesh. Is the representation an appearance? I can’t touch Adams; I see a representation on the screen. There is no Adams.

Storm’s Monument – 31st Daily Log

7. TGT. Just winding down for the day

6. F. Two people today told me that thoughts come and go. Avastu said that thoughts are like clouds covering the sky. See Storm’s comment below. Knowing comes before thought. I AM. What am I? Who am I? Stim said I am not going to it by slogging. That is too bad because I am good at slogging. But is that part of I AM? Is slogging an identity too?

5. F. I AM. What AM I? What am I NOT seeing? It seems this is central. Avastu suggests the identities are just a story. I should start with the I AM. Yes, it appears it is time to move on. The question is, can I move on? Stay tuned…

[long break for an extraordinary afternoon session that in fact went from 1:00 pm to 5:00 pm; I took a 45 minute break but the session continued]

4. F. Last night Pema mentioned that it might take years to understand Being. If that is so, then it is a distraction to my goal of becoming a better person, to learn to live more compassionately. I know somehow it is connected with Being but I do not know how. I know that we human beings have many connections and a compassionate person can see these connections. I have learned this morning that the more I understand about something, the less likely I am to make foolish comments.

[more missed]

3. F. How do I cut through these identities. This is not the first time I have seen them. I expect that I need to become aware of the various aspects. It seems to be a combination of “identities” or attachments.

[very long pause here for morning PaB session and then meeting and then a conversation with a friend]

2. F. What AM I?

The Monument

This morning I received an email from Storm that has led to a very important self-revelation. Storm has done some very beautiful work on the PaB lands including the area surrounding the plot I am fortunate to be able to squat on. I have enjoyed sitting and watching and listening to the virtual waves lapping against my virtual beach front. It would be a great meditation spot in RL and it may become one in SL.

Storm has been working on a monument for PaB and, this morning, invited us to come look at it. When I looked at it I first had some gut reaction comments, some of which were cutsy. I have been trained to look at monuments very critically. There is someone very close to me working on Soldiers and Sailors monuments in the US. Each one of my “cutsy” thoughts this morning was followed by another thought about the difficulties in working out the concept, finding a form to express the concept, and then the SL limitations, plus the fact that this is a work in progress. My conclusion was that I would do more harm by expressing any of these thoughts. The wisest course was to still my self.

Obviously I wrote it about it anyway and here is why. If I can conclude that it is wisest to not speak about things I know, then what am I doing blathering about things of which I am ignorant. Last night someone at meditation jokingly introduced themselves as someone who talks much about things they know nothing of (poor paraphrasing but hopefully the sense is there). There is egotism in my approach to this, and, this morning, I caught a good glimpse of it. It is hard to describe it but it has to do with an image I have of myself and how I want to be perceived. It is so deep I am have problems admitting it maybe even to myself. In the beginning, Adams, as an AV, had allowed me to circumvent that “identity” a bit but lately I am noticing the personalities of Adams and I have been merging. Maybe I don’t ave the energy to keep them separate. Storm’s monument is going to become for me, a monument for remembering what I need to shed. Like Storm’s monument, I think this thread is still a work in progress too.

{Little gap here]

1. TGT. Smiling to begin another day of life. So cliche-ish yet but where it is best to be

*     *     *     *    *    *

Sometimes it seems on weekends, I have lots of ideas that I want to write down, but by the time I get to the keyboard, I can’t remember them any longer. Maybe they’re not such great ideas to begin with.