Thinking about Appearances – 12th Day Log

11. BrM. I could go on with #10 including all the people who worked on the siftware to make my computer work….but that would be beating a dead horse

10. BrM. Appearances. What else? When I go to work, I do not see the poeple who are keeping the heating/air conditioner running…I do not see the people who clean the building…I do not see the people that built the building. When I ride a train, I do not see the people driving the train…I do not see the people who keep the tracks repaired….I do not see the people who clean the trains…the people working the switches….the people keeping everything on schedule. When I drive I do not see the people who keep the roads repaired…the people who monitor traffic…and keep the lights and traffic lights running. In other words there are people who affect my life in a positive way that I never think about. Life would be difficult without them.

9. BrM. what else am I not seeing?

8. BrM. At the 1 PM PaB session, it was brought up that we do not see the thousands of red and green dots

7. BrM. What else am I not seeing? I see the tree but I do not see the sap running throughout. I see the bug but I do not see what it sees. I see the water but I do not see the fish living in it (usually). I see the blue sky but not the planets and galaxies and universes. I see another living being but I do not see the blood flowing in their veins or their muscles moving or their skeleton supporting their mass.

6. BrM. Seeing. Appearances. Back to #4: I am seeing people but I don’t see who they are. I am seeing the body but not the person. …and there are so many of them. That is one thing I do not see. I do not see the person in the strangers inhabiting my space. Each of them is a living, thinking human being. And I do not see that (in a way). I know it bit I don’t.

5. BrM. Once in a while I write the entire 15 minutes. As you might surmise this was one of them. Enough for now!

4. BrM. Appearances. Seeing. I see the sun in the sky, various shades of blue in the rest of the sky. I see my family around me loving me, me loving them. I see good friends and acquaintances. I see other people who inhabit the same general larger space walking or driving or standing or sitting…some in my view very day They share the same sidewalks. They walk past the same buildings. They shop at the same shops. They work in the same building or surrounding buildings. They read the same newspapers; they watch the same TV shows. They come home every night along the same sidewalks and streets and go into their houses on my street or the one a block away or just around the corner. They go home and make and eat their suppers, clean up, do things around the house or go out, and then go to bed just like me. Looking at the same sunset, or rain, or snow, or night. The moon rises and they see it. Our neighborhood. Who are all these people inhabiting my larger space. If we make the space larger we get even more people doing much the same thing as me. Seeing the same sun, or rain, or night. Extend it bigger and even more people…maybe seeing the sun at a different time…maybe speaking a different language…maybe wearing different clothes but doing much the same thing….exisiting.

3. BrM. Long time getting back from PaB where there were personal conversations afterward. “Being” has now become a concept or topic over which I will not lose any more sleep. Back to seeing.

2. Focusing. I am good at seeing. To start things off, I decide to approach this from an art historical point of view while being aware that it is likely a metaphor.

1. Focusing. Starting slow on this end this morning. Remembering that I should be focusing on seeing but I am not completely into this yet. I have no idea what I should be seeing, therefore “What am I not seeing?” is appropriate. Am I missing something?

* * * * *

It is the last of three cool, beautiful June days here—great days for reveling in life.

Our avators so easily lend themselves to be metaphors for real life issues. I have been thinking a bit this morning about life, death and our AVs. Our AVs are not so attached to life as our real life selves. We can, and will, abandon them when they are no longer convenient, or if we simply get bored with them or what they are doing (sorry Adams). I am having trouble remembering why I started this thread but I am going to leave it here as a record of a partial thoguht…maybe I’ll finish it by the end of the day.

Of course ant learning we do, including PaB, goes through our AV facade, and our own facade, to us.

Cycling Awareness – llth Day Log

21. BrM. Hmmmm. What am I seeing?

20. BrM. still peaceful

19. BrM. feeling peaceful

18. Focusing. looking into my mind- nothing there?

17. BrM. nothing

16. Focusing. Can I ask what appears to me differently than the way it is actually is? Being?

15. Focusing. I don’t have a clue to 14. What am I NOT seeing? Ah that is more like “What is starring me in the face?”

14. Focusing. What am I seeing?…Ah, the other form of the question is “what is starring me in the face?” Different questions, aren’t they?

13. BrM. Combined the breathing with awareness of my body

12. BrM. Checking in to make sure I’m alive

11. BrM. I am just astounded at the difference in effect from the two methods

10. BrM. Continuing breathing exercise as I pause in my attempt to catch up with everything

9. BrM. I don’t want to stop after 9 seconds

8. BrM. feeling peaceful

7. BrM. Switched to breath meditation to clear my head

6. Focusing. The last entry was another of those which took up almost the whole time. It is seeing and appearances I should be working on, isn’t it?

5. Focusing. Here is Alexander Pope again….”Know then thyself, presume not God to scan. The proper study of mankind is man”. Is that relevant or just noise coming from my brain? After all I am not thinking of God, unless God is Being. I would think that Being relates all human beings somehow, and if it does, then it is a key to following the Buddhist path. After all, are not desires, selfish by nature? Then the pitfall is selfishness? But in Buddhism each individual focuses on her/himself. Is that not selfish in itself? But we each have to be responsible for our own behavior and thinking.

4. Focusing. My original quest was a modification of behavior. How does one live the Buddhist philosophy that is so simple and direct? Why is it so hard? What makes us stray?

3. Focusing. I am here. I am alive. What more do I need to know?

2. Focusing. Focused instead on background “noise”. It is hard to ignore. In my defense the “noise” is a recording of Kathleen Battle singing Mozart’s “Exultate”.

1. Focusing. It is a bit chilly in here. Need a sweater.

* * * * * *

Another beautiful June Day here; easy to feel alive and revel in its existence. An interesting thing happened to me today. As I was bicycling in, I began to be aware of my breathing and what the muscles in various parts of my body were doing just as if I was doing the breath meditation. I became aware of my muscles working together….in my legs, arms, and abdomen. My chest expanding and contracting with my breaths. I almost could picture the muscles and skeleton moving underneath my skin. This was not meditation in that it the awareness came to me suddenly with no conscious prompting on my part. Possibly it was due to my becoming conscious of breathing, probably because I was breathing more deeply, maybe hit the right cadence,  as I neared the end of my trip. Because I have been doing so in breath meditation, my focus just extended it to other parts of my body. Of course bicycling would not be the safest form of meditation, especially in traffic.

I am beginning to deal with the concepts of being, appearance and seeing. Someone has noted (Pema?) that it is easier to define what Being is not than what it is. With that in mind, Is Being not all of the world (creation)? Is Being not all of the universe? Is Being not all of life on earth? Is Being not all human beings on earth? Is Being not all inanimate objects on earth? Is Being not the life force? Is Being not all actions and actions resulting from actions (kharma)?

yesterday I alternated my approach to the nine second pauses and realized that the two methods give different results. I am not sure what I want to do today but I think I will start out at the old method to try to get a start on this new problem.

Exploring 9 Second Technique – 10th Day Log

15. BrM. peaceful

14. Focusing. working well. This one peaceful this time

13. BrM. Deep breath to finish

[the 1 pm meeting here]

12. The bell calls. Focusing. A little slower this time and it works. I manage to complete the focus down to the feet resting on the ground.

11. BrM. <smiles> Do I tell myself anything? What am I seeing? Is that the approach I should take?

10. Focusing. No question, something is blocking my ability to focus on my body. hmmmm

9. Oh my….it’s time already. BrM. It occurs to me that my mini-Buddha and mini-Ganesh are kind of like Batman and Robin in proportion to each other

8. Focusing. I find I want to close my eyes while feeling my body to help me focus. What does that say?

7. BrM. Pleasant feeling.

6. Focusing. Found it harder to feel the body this time. Something was preventing me from moving around. Rephrase the koan to “What do I tell myself?”

5. BrM. I definitely prefer the breath meditation but seems like it results in less awareness. I think I need both the awareness and the ability to get to a peaceful state. There is more to this methinks.

4. Orig.focusing. Just finished reading Sunday night’s PaB log. Pema mentioned another koan :What to tell ourselves?” in reference to “seeing” appearance. [Roughly quoting Pema: If we say we don't, then we reinforce the illusion we don't; if we say we do see it and don't we lie]

3. BrM. Good break from RL work and to start to put me in frame of mind for 7 am meeting

2. Tried my old method this time—2 deep breaths and then quickly focusing on feeling the whole body from the top of the head to the bottom of the feet. Not as relaxing as the breath meditation. I feel a tension

1. BrM (Breath Meditation)….focused on process…brain otherwise at rest

A bright beautiful day with golden sunshine and crisp morning air. It is easy to be mindful that one is alive today, a part of this precious planet.

I am continuing to work on meditation which I expect will make for boring blog reading. Last night listened to an audio on the dharmatalk.org which was almost like having a coach guide me through focusing beyond the nose, chest and stomach. The coach had us focus on other parts of the body, one at a time, in long intervals (2-5 minutes-I wasn’t timing), naval, right side of the abdomen, left side of abdomen, solar plexis, right side of chest, left side of chest, bottom of throat and then to the head. After that we were on our own. It is easy to see how this could keep one busy for an hour or more. Of course the 9 second intervals one would have to focus just on the 10 breaths through the nose, chest or stomach. I find it interesting that my original exercise was an abbreviated version of the extended breath meditation procedure. In the nine seconds they each have their advantages. Focusing simply on breath relaxes one more, taking one out of the routine, resting the brain. The original method focuses on ones physical existence and so makes one aware of onself in space. Hmmmmm. I wonder if one should chose for the result that is needed at the time. Or is it reasonable to alternate them? I may decide to try to work this out.

While the log is ten days old, today is my second week anniversary of my attendance at my first PaB meeting. It seems like ages ago.

Breath Meditation – Ninth Day Log

18. BrM. Closed my eyes involuntarily that time probably to concentrate on the nose.

17. BrM. Just a rest in between reading the newly posted logs

16. BrM. Still comfortable with the Breath Meditation

15. BrM. ready for 1 pm session

14. Brrrrng. BrM. this time the 9 second was a real break from routine

13. So soon again. BrM. Still Listening to talk

12. BrM. Still Listening to talk

11. BrM. Listeening to a Dharma talk on breath meditation — look for the results to judge for oneself – alertness–awareness

10. BrM. Same but managing to push Vivaldi into background

9. BrM. Same process but with a little Vivaldi. Breathing rhythm changed. Hmmmm

8. BrM. Hmm. Same process but some hesitation this time after the fifth breath. Where did that come from?

7. BrM. This time my mind on my breath and eyes on both mini-Ganesh and mini-Buddha. Mini-Buddha is twice the size of mini-Ganesh. I have been reading a few of the initial logs. I wonder how long it would take to read all?

6. BrM. Focusing my mind on my breath and my eyes on mini-buddha

5. BrM. Focused on my nose while this time looking at the little bronze Buddha on my desk. [I also have a slightly smaller Ganesh and a postcard of Hagia Sophia less anyone think I am getting too Buddhist]. I have been pondering the relationship between the group and Being. I wonder “what is the question I should be asking myself?”

4. BrM. With a little discipline, stayed focused on the nose for the ten breaths. I have been looking at the daily logs some this morning. Not enough time to read as much as I would like. I did notice that I began attending PaB sessions on June 4. Tomorrow will be my second week anniversary

3. BrM. I am liking my new ritual but my mind tried to move around the body this time. Is that part of the discipline issue people keep talking about?

2. BrM. I find it interesting that I don’t want to stop after ten breaths. Tried to focus on stomach but instead focused simultaneously on nose and stomach. The nose was dominant. Hmmm, never thought of the nose as dominant

1. BrM (=Breath Meditation – 10 breaths). This morning focusing first on the nose, then on the chest and then the stomach to explore the feeling in each area. Yesterday I mostly focused on the air rushing through the nose….life-giving oxygen

* * * * *

Woke up this morning feeling good about being alive for another day on planet earth. Yesterday, I forgot to have that thought. I wonder what will happen today….the further adventures of Adams Rubble….fighting impatience at every turn….seeking awareness…

I now realize that I have been using a form of breath meditation for many years without ever thinking of it as meditation. That is why it feels so comfortable. This blog will start to become very boring.

I am finding that I am in no rush to resolve the “Who is afraid?” question. Somehow I feel the answer is very close to consciousness and will express itself when it is ready. I know it has something to do with holding on to things. I think the related question “What am I afraid of?” is a detour at this time except for the issue of my fears concerning being in, and contributing to, a large group. In real life I am naturally shy. I seem to be capable of focusing on only a few individuals at a time. I am very much in awe observing how some individuals seem to be aware of many people’s feelings concurrently and, at the same time, address those needs in a sensitive way almost in successive sentences. Some of that, of course, comes from knowing individuals and that will come in time. Ah, patience again.

Sunday night, Pema offered important thoughts and a different question to ponder but alas I was a little tired by then and a technical glitch removed my own log. So I am patiently waiting until Sunday’s 7 pm session is posted to ponder that question. Thus in the meantime, meditation is an important interest.

Adams Reflects – 8th Day Log

12. breath meditation again to end the day. Feeling very content

[7 pm meeting about happiness]

11. Breath meditation again. I like the way this works

[using breath meditation at Zen Retreat Group Meditation - right before it started I realized that SL had crashed and so I meditated in crash mode. I was there in spirit so to say. Breath meditation improved my staying power meditated past 15 minutes for the first time---maybe the twenty]

10. breath meditation

9. [I just was told about breath meditation and I am going to try it here for first time and then in meditation tonight---there will be no other thoughts I hope as I concentrate on this]. One surprising thought. I didn’t want to stop.

8. [Two plus hours later] Focusing. feels good to stop

7. Focusing. Empty thoughts. Have arrived for 1 pm session

6. Focusing. nothing

5. Focusing. What is next for me?

4. Focusing. feeling myself in this space

3. Focusing. Working more on clearing mind

2. Focusing. Back to basics….just clearing the mind like Dakini’s windshield wiper analogy

[I have neglected my PaB routine most of today although I did stop to attend the 7 AM meeting. I am having my doubts that fear is the next thing I should be exploring. Hmmmm I forgot to turn on the speaker to hear the bell this morning]

1. Focusing. [I was asked about this at last nights meeting. I do have my own routine that I have settled into. I concentrate first on a couple of breaths and then try to feel my body starting at the top of my head and then down to the bottoms of my feet resting on the floor. Then I turn to my mind]. This morning I still have my fear question. I am wanting to turn it into “what am I afraid of” which seems the better question. However when I think of the impatience question, asking “what am I impatient about?” would not have gotten me the answer. Are they different kinds of issues? Who is afraid?

* * * * *

It has now been a full week since I started my blog and a few days more that I started with PaB. In that short time I have had two personal breakthroughs. One is beginning to understand the concept of mindfulness or awareness. The second was yesterday, understanding that my impatience was related to desire. Since desire is the primary cause of unhappiness in Buddhist thinking, then impatience is a block to “enlightment”.

So far I have avoided mentioning names in the blog/log and generally I am still a bit uncertain about doing so even though many people have offered very gentle, loving advice. Most of it is recorded in the meeting logs so the record is there. One important area of my development in this short time has happened outside the meetings and thus unrecorded. That missing link is my friendship with Fael Illyar who began attending Play-as-Being sessions about a week before me. A week appears to be a short time in Second Life for some reason and Fael seems way ahead to me; I equate our experience as being a little like first and second year students. In any case Fael and I have often continued our discussions past meeting times. Fael often has explained procedures, picked me up when I was discouraged, encouraged me to become a Guardian, explained what a Guardian does, and helped with some technical issues. Yesterday Fael and I had our own impromptu private PaB session. In short I think it is imprtant for anyone beginning a new learning experience to have the benefit of someone as a mentor who recently has gone through the same thing.

Who is Impatient? – Seventh Day

16) [At the daily meditation at Zen Retreat] Who is afraid? The person who is fearful of death. The person who is fearful of pain. The person who has not stripped away those fears. A person unfamiliar with the “path”. hmmmm.

15) Focusing. New question to consider: “Who is fearful?” The first answer is a shy person who is unsure they are not going to make a fool of themselves in a discussion. Of course a person with demons or phobias. A person in mortal danger. A child in the dark.

14) Focusing. mind at rest

13) Focusing. Feeling slight anxiety probably due to connection issues. I am very tired.

12) Focusing. Are there new questions on which to reflect What else am I?

11) Focusing physically. {Feeling very, very tired now. Going to take a break]

[Moved by this insight, Adams feels a spiritual tug and goes to the place where she feels most spiritual, her favorite SL church. While there she hears a short reading which includes the following: "and the power and the glory shall be upon the illuminated" - St. Gregory of Nazianus]

10. Focusing physically. Am I running out of ideas or have I answered my little koan yet or have I just stopped focusing on the question? Who is impatient? SOMEONE WITH DESIRE!!!!! That’s the answer. Bingo! Whoopie!!! I have it.

As everyone predicted, I am excited that I solved it and yet I knew that answer all the time. I am absolutely flabbergasted.

[Time out for PaB regualr meeting and guardian meeting]

9. …and it is time again, the result of geting up very early….8 entries already. Focusing physically. The question will have to wait. Almost time for the 7 am PaB session….

8. Ha. the fifteen minutes passed before I finished writing #7. Focusing once again physically and then letting this go for now

7. Focusing a little harder this time to re-engage. Remembering my question but then allowing the thought of how much has happened this past week in PaB…with the help of the logs I remember my thought process, just a short week ago…l learned about mindfulness, began to go to group meditation (I am being patient about my lack of skill in that area), and now my question to ponder…Who is impatient? I am. Maybe after considering what I learned in a week, I should ask why am I impatient? Is my next topic to get a handle on the defintion of Being. Does that come back to the simple issue of being alove? Yes, I am very, very glad I am alive enjoying this warm, wet, humid….beautiful day. It is a gift

6. Focusing. [I have been taking time out to read the recently posted lags. It takes so long to read them but so important for the novice PaBer to do]

5. Focusing. Reminding myself of the question to refocus my brain

4. Focusing. Was thinking about something else last 15 minutes…reading morning news. Remembering my question

3. Focusing. Who is impatient.? A runner before the race gets underway, i.e someone with bottled up energy and not being able to release it yet

2. Focusing. Who is impatient? A person of faith who is beginning to question the basic tenets for that creed but still wants to belong. A person who has neglected their “spiritial” side for many years and suddenly find they must feed that need. A hungry person when dinner is late. A person who is not getting direct answers to direct questions. A person who has to change software to do the same job they have been doing quite well on software that has been deemed obsolete.

A wierd thought flashes through my brain….I wonder if there is a bumper sticker “I became a Buddhist in Second Life”?

1. Focusing as usual. Who is impatient….besides Adams. A child on a long car trip. A professor when a video projector does not go on right away. Already answers are forming….someone who does not understand the how or the why or how long.

Someone with an old computer….. i.e. those with tools that are inadequate for the job

Someone waiting to log into SL when a grid is down….i.e.someone who is not in control and wants to be

hmmmmmm

* * * * * *

…and on the seventh day…

Yesterday I learned that I am not going to be able to control the pace of how my curiosity will be satisfied. My questions are not going to be answered directly by others. They seem to be the wrong questions. Looking back over the logs often they seem helplessly naive. A child’s questions. Why is the sky blue? i want to know NOW why the sky is blue even though I don’t understand light and the blackness of space.

I must learn patience. This morning. I woke up in time for the end of the 1 AM meeting but it took twenty minutes for me to get up, shake off the cobwebs, hook up my laptop, boot the computer and finally get to the Zen Retreat. My desire was thwarted by events that could have been predicted but which I did not see. So, in the future I will learn to adjust my thinking. It is a little like like commuting to work. Sometimes I have an idea and I am impatient to be at my desk and start working; it would be great if one could tp in real life. I have to account for the things I can’t control…..for the time it takes to get there. I am wondering if this is an analogy or will I learn this doesn’t fit either. Or partially fits.

As an historian, if I want to make an inquiry, I am used to making an hypothesis and then testing it at my own pace. I have a good deal of control over the pace of research. As the research progresses, the hypothesis is adjusted as the research changes the question. Ahhhh, I am beginning to see this differently. I need to keep adjusting my hypothesis. Do I need to keep changing the questions? Is the pace of my research simply how many meetings go to? hmmmm.

I have been given some questions to ponder. One of these is “who is impatient”. The simple answer is Adam’s ego. I know I need to throw off this impatience thing because it is in the way. I must adjust my pace to those things I can’t fully control. I am suspecting there may be more to this. Whose hyposthesis is this, anyway? Another question.

It is Enough to be Alive – Day 6 Log

9. Focusing. then refocus on the question of who is impatient. When will there be an answer? Can’t wait too long……..

[I am just back from the 7pm PaB session and I have two questions to ponder: Who is Adams? and Who is impatient? That extends to the RL self too. As I go to sleep, they are on my mind]

8. Focusing. contentment

7. Focusing. I think I see one advantage of PaB is that it allows one plenty of time to pursue learning between mini-meditation periods, in my case pursuing aspects of Buddhism. I really am starting to get focused again. That is good. I was a bit worried about myself

6. Focusing. I am here

5. Focusing. This afternoon I am having doubts about continuing this blog. Am I losing my nerve or just plain tired? Is the continuation of this really useful to anyone? I am stopping to sit hee a bit longer.

[Took a hot summer walk along the canal this afternoon. Stopped a few times to do 9 second exercise. Enjoyed the scenery and the wildlife]

4. Focusing. Feeling the still cool, morning summer breeze flow past me

3. So soon. Focusing. feeling content

2. Focusing. Breathing, feeling the external part of my body from head to feet. enough for now

1. Focusing. Being thankful I am alive and my love ones are alive too. Aren’t they more important than life itself? Does Buddhism allow for this? I must ask someone.

* * * * * *

There were no dramatic breakthroughs yesterday; I worked some on understanding the concept of mindfulness. After last night’s PaB Keg Party, Adams has been become mindful that drinking a large bottle of cheap wine and downing it with a few beers does not help one’s focus the next day.

Adams had a kind of mystical but man-made revelation some weeks back in the SL site “Land of Bodhi[add later]“. She was flying across a mountain and heard a voice as if someone was speaking to a large group. There was no group in site. She flew in and out of the zone for a while until she was able to zero in and sit down and listen. It was a talk by a zen speaker who spoke about how when he was young he tried to read about all religions and meant to spend his life on the search. His mentor said “It is enough to simply be alive”. Thinking back this morning may have been our first experience with mindfulness.

Mindfulness – Day 5 Log

13. Focusing. Thoughts lurking. Pema suggests subtracting to get to mindfulness which he says is natural state. Not sure I completely get it

12. Summoned back by the bell. focusing. occupying this space in this world

11. This time the bell rings in the middle of Dubenski’s Otche nach and I don’t even think about breaking to focus on anything else because I already am captured in the melodic strains of this beautiful music. My spritual brain cells have long fed on Eastern Orthodx liturgical music. Bach’s Cantatas, Mozart’s Requiem, Vivaldi’s Glorias,etc. move me somewhat differently I think. hmmmm.

10. focusing. nothing

9. focusing. [Gretchaninov's beautiful Credo coincidently playing in the background] entire focus switches over to the music until it ends in a glorious crescendo.

8. focus…breath..expanding. simple calmness

[interrupted by morning meeting]

7. focusing. being slightly nervous about the upcoming PaB session

6. focusing. Becoming a detached observer of events. Like a real life person manipulating an avatar. I have found it easier as Adams to be compassionate than myself in real life

5. focusing. just read that mindfulness is part of the 8-fold path. How did I miss that? ahh, the dharma wheel – 8 spokes – one of them is mindfulness

4. now starting every nine second stop the same way as in #!. Do not feel anything beyond that this time

3. focusing…feeling as below in #1 and contemplating mindfulness

2. focusing…realizing that I made a public confession of my “sin of forgetfulness” in my introduction this morning. The Christian metaphors are ever with me

1. focusing on breathing, moving outward to feel the outer limits of my body, roots of my hair, feet on the floor, remembering to be glad of another day of living. Setting the bell.

Yesterday was an eventful day that is not reflected in the log. First was the idea that the four-a-day sessions were somehwat akin to being in a monastic community while the 9 second intervals was like a layman’s practice. More importantly for my quest was the introduction of the idea of “mindfulness” as a tool for following the “Path”. This was at yesterdays 7 am session. I filed it away as something I should investigate. Then at the 1 pm meeting I unknowingly gave myself an example of unmindfulness…by acting like a jackass, getting angry at something that had nothing to do with the discussion or the people there and bejing slightly beligerant. Thinking back I had lost my focus on what was actually being said and why i was there. Then later that eveing I went to the 6 pm group meditation, arriving early. I took a notecard of an earlier lecture and it was about….awareness or mindfulness. Bingo. So it was simply a matter of being aware of what one is doing. I did not have too much chance to think about that before attending last nights 7 pm session. It is a bit late for me so I would not have attended had not the idea of the monastic community been introduced into my head. I should take advantage of the opportunities being offered. I took my laptop to bed and stayed as long as the battery held out. In the discussion about compassion the idea came to me that one’s state of mind is an important component for being compassionate. After I logged off, all of this came together and I understood that state of mind is mindfulness. Meditation, or the 9 second intervals, provides the discipline to hold on to the mindfulness. Now I seem to have an important tool, maybe THE tool, that has long been missing. Quite a series of events for just one day of being alive of this wonderful planet.

Note: I have purposely left out names of people who have helped me along the way. I probably would have named them if the log was not public. Why? Right now it is a gut feeling that it doesn’t feel right. However, I do remember you and I am immensely grateful. That includes people who provide the venue and things like the random notecards.

Rat in a Laboratory – Fourth Day Log

10. It has been a funny day and I haven’t made many entries. Still I learned things about myself and about Buddhism and so it was a good day even if the events were not logged.

9. Feeling the air against my skin..moving up from my arms to the top of my head amd then down to my feet…I can feel the air on most of my body

8. As I stop I am thinking a bit about things I need to learn. I really do not know what mindfulness means. There is a whole area of Buddhism that I seem to have missed. Ah, the missing part…missing link…missing the point…missing the boat…missing the fun…missing person

[break to catch up on things]

7. Nine second sessions coming up quickly still. nothing

6. I am running consistently behind this morning. Can’t catch up….It has to be a metaphor, the heart not being behind. We’ll see. Concentrate on the body. breathing. completely relaxed

5. breathing in, out. There has been a suggestion I should be listening to my body…what is in my heart? I remember feeling my heart in an earlier 9 sec pause. Am I looking in the wrong place…in my head? My rational mind is protesting and I have had no reason to doubt it. Should I? A positive answer is not likely to come from my head so how do I know?

4. Oh bell, you come so soon. I am not ready

3. nothing at this point; thoughts not formed yet

[Long time at the group--2 hours - new many new things to consider and other things to learn; there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my philsophy---sorry Will....mindfulness]

2. Focusing on feeling myself in the space. breathing. Peaceful again. It is time for group.

1. Late start, bell set. My mind is focusing on what it is I should be doing this morning, partly because of my opening statements. I am thinking too much.

* * * *

It is a beautiful sunny day here to be alive. My disposition is sunny too at the start of the day. For those of you who are following this in real time, I rewrote the “Adams Rubble” link this morning, Since this is on some level a laboratory and I am a rat, we should note that the log went public yesterday and my first thought was that it did not affect the way I wrote down my impressions. On more reflection it may be affecting my actual thinking when I stop. I wonder.

In Asia, people do not seem to be tied down to one religion as we are in the west. For centuries, many Chinese have been willing to chose the best tool, whether Buddhism, Daoism or Confucianism, for the particular task at hand. I note this because Adams went to her favorite church to pray for strength and guidance before she took the step to go to her first group meditation session the other day (do I hear more LOLs?).

Peacefulness – Third Day Log

31. Last one today. breathing in, out, I ponder being alive another day. How sweet it is!

30. Not stopping completely this time. we are in the Land of Bodhi and listening to a beautiful chanting of Oh mane padme hum. breathing in and out focusing on the chant, this is not a real pause. Thoughts are coming of SL expereinces the past 24 hours. Are they exiting the mind or reinforcing themselves?

29 Still calm. Thoughts seem to be lurking in the background again but maybe it is because I am reading a notecard about Zen

28. Sitting calmly

27. breath in, breath out…..relaxed, alive

26. Still have this peaceful feeling

25. feeling peaceful again

24. feeling content-not sure it is the same peace as this morning

[away for two house, including 1/2 hour of group]

23. nothing this time

22. Brrrinnnnngggggggg. Nine seconds in which I am not saying anything hurtful or doing anything hurtful to anyone or anything. that’s a start, isn;t it. By that definitionm, this is working well

21. Focusing on my breath, I feel my chest expanding and contracting…my whole body seemingly joining in the rhythm…..being alive

20. Another quiet moment

19. I hear a song in my brain….very faint…a springtime song

18. breath in, breath out…….

17. Be still my bell. My beating heart waits. Inside my head is a stillness. It feels empty!!!

16. nothing

15. The bell sounded solemn that time. Thoughts there lurking but pleasing ones waiting for their chance to emerge

14. the bell is still working its way through the brain and then bouncing off the skull and back. then everything is quiet, peaceful again

13. This is like a shooting gallery. As soon as I am done with one 9 second rest, another seems to pop right up. Ka-blam! Alright…14 minutes and 51 seconds for good hard work now. Don’t waste a second

12. [smile]

11. Wow, I can’t tell if this is the peacefulness or nothing this time

10. nothing, definitely nothing

9. I am not sure whether I feel nothing or the calmness. I wonder if now that I am further away I don’t remember the peacefulness. This must be nothing. Maybe if I breathe deeper?

8. Here again too soon. Was that fifteen minutes? nothing. hmmm no calmness either…just nothing (who would have thought there was a difference?)

7. still more calmness. the brain is quiet. This is good

6. In the group now. Peacefulness pervading there was as well this morning

5. calmness still is here….feeling the air around my body

4. hmmmmm. right into calmness once again.This might have something to do with the fact that I haven’t yet faced the more stressful things I need to do today. Still, peacefulness is good. I remind myself to be glad about being alive again today

4. nothing. calm, peaceful feeling still there

3. nothing. vague feeling of peacefulness

2. Another 15 minutes. How is this different from stream of consciousness? aha, it is not meant to be; there is a physical componet…breathe…

1. The bell rings and I step warily from my corner eyeing my opponent who is…………? ….ignorance? greed? intemperance? cruelity? me?

It is a much better day here, still warm but not oppressive.