4. BrM. Time to sleep…”perchance to dream”. I had a second dream about SL last night but could not hold on to it. I was sitting with just one other avator and it seems we were talking quietly…no excitement. We were sitting next to a pile of papers suggested by the one in the zazen area of the Zen Retreat. This dream happened much further away from waking time. I am surprised I remember anything. If only there had been a chat log.
3. F. ….and very glad I am to be alive today on this wonderful planet (a little late today for the thought but I have been enjoying today and the trees and wildflowers (the cowvetch) and birds……..)
2, BtM. I do need to learn what I should be doing with the “identifications” as I become mindful of them.
[not much today at the 15 minute stopping points but it has been a good day]
1. BrM. What other things are still there blocking the view?
[Went for a long Saturday morning walk this morning. Spent much of the time thinking but stopped for the 9 second pause every ince in a while to break the chain]
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Rightly or wrongly I have been pursuing a goal, (actually two goals I just realized) and this morning I began to think of the heroes’ quest as a metaphor. It seems to work even with subtraction, for when the hero solves one problem, (subtracts one “identity”) then a new problem becomes apparent almost immediately. During the journey, the hero often is told about things that must be done, warned to be wary of certain things, and given tools (weapons) to solve some of the problems. Usually in the story, the hero can not succeed without the help of these “people who see clearly”. In the story, the hero confronts these problems one-by-one.
Then there is the metaphor of the three (or four) ages of man(kind): youth, adulthood and old age often expressed in varying ways, with varying messages, in paintings. When I was young I was taught a simple faith (Christianity) and felt very close to God. In fact I expected to spend a life in the church. As often happens to young people, doubts began to creep in about the central message, in this case, incarnation. I lost touch with God. I became very miserable and thought I was letting people down. I tried desperately for three years to rediscover that faith. Finally, with a deep sense of relief I was able to pack my spiritual self in a box and stick it on a shelf. I have been proud of that box (identity) called ex-Lutheran (or wayward Lutheran, or whatever). The box has had slightly different names over the years. But I have kept it carefully dusted and enjoy seeing it sitting there on the shelf. Over time I became further disenchanted with the Christian concept of “sin”. But though I thought I had discarded this, it was pointed out to me that I may still be beating myself with a form of sin in the form of “character flaws”.
I mentioned in this blog that when I first decided to go to meditation, Adams, went to her favorite church and prayed for strength and guidance in this new quest. I now think that in some ways this was a concession to, or a metaphor for, my former identity and that former faith. I needed permission to go in a new direction. (incidently I felt that I received approval and was given the strength). At the same time, the sense of desperation left over from so many years ago has been resurrected and is an identity….and is in the way. Now I beginning to think that I may need to throw away this treasured box I have kept on the shelf for so many years.
This brings me back to the age metaphor. As an adult we become very busy, full of life, and feel a physical vitality (invincibility for some but not all). As we age and our bodies start to fall apart, we realize we need something to help us make the final transition (hopefully a long one). Many of the things that seemed so important now seem trivial. We can’t do some of the things we loved to do to relax ourselves (in my case tennis). Finding ways to understand these changes then is the unstated second part of my quest.
Finally…the inner self….the light…..God….our Buddha nature. I understand the clouds in the way: identifications, objects, opinions, fears and doubts. Like doubting Thomas, I want to see it so I know that it actually is there in me. I saw God when I was young. I have viewed it in others. How do I push my way through all these impediments?
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Yesterday, at the 1 PM session, Moon, gave a poetical description of how meditation helped him to focus on a single branch of a tree, the branch moving in the wind. I am very new to meditation. I have had a similar experience after looking at Japanese paintings. I am now beginning to think about a museum visit being a form of meditation, heightening one’s sense of visual awareness.
